Episode 5x06 "No Guts, No Cory"

Nahhh, let's just skip this one.

Quick history/context lesson, feel free to skip: so, this episode aired on November 7th, 1997. The TGIF lineup at the time was Sabrina -> Boy Meets World -> You Wish -> Teen Angel. I have no idea what those last two are. Apparently You Wish was like a watered down, family-oriented remake of I Dream of Jeannie. TV Guide called it "Hammy, artificial, and altogether excruciating," and it was taken off the air after its seventh episode.  Teen Angel was created by two writers/producers from The Simpsons, but it still sucked really bad and was cancelled after 17 episodes. The point is, these four series tried to be cute together on November 7th 1997. In the Sabrina episode, her cat Salem swallows a "time ball" and sends Sabrina back to Mad Men times. Then on Boy Meets World, Salem is wandering the halls of John Adams High, Cory picks him up, and they go back to early 1940's just after the US joined WWII. It makes even less sense if you didn't know about the Sabrina episode, so that's why I wrote all this. And just for completeness, You Wish went back to the 50's, and Teen Angel to 1976. Lesson over.

So Feeny's wrapping up a lesson about Pearl Harbor, and then Cory and Topanga walk out to the hallway together. Apparently Topanga's grandparents got engaged on Pearl Harbor day (December 7th 1941), and they were about Cory and Topanga's age. Shawn does this unfunny bit about actually paying attention in class. Salem the cat wanders over and Cory picks him up, musing "I wonder what it was like during World War II."  So now we're there.

I guess we already saw in 5x05 that Boy Meets World and Sabrina exist in the same universe, so we've at least slightly built up to the idea of Salem being here. But I guess they also share a universe with Teen Angel and You Wish. We already knew we had a god from Cult Fiction, and Teen Angel confirms that, but also witches and genies. Very rich lore, here in the Boy Meets World universe. 

 But I'm the only one who cares about that shit, so let's move on. Apparently it is exactly Pearl Harbor day as Feeny walks into the hall and announces from, I guess it's a telegram, that the US has entered the war, although without mention of Pearl Harbor being attacked. Shawn strolls up and announces that he's going to go enlist in the army and asks Cory to come with him. Don't worry Cory, you probably would have been drafted anyway. ...Then the theme song plays, which is... weird timing.... 

At home, everything has been 50's-ified. We learn that Cory did indeed enlist and Eric, well, he tried.

 Topanga arrives, and is horrified to learn that Cory's going to war. At Chubbie's (or whatever it is right now) there's a bunch of army guys in their uniforms having a grand ol time, and some women are singing Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy, a song that I actually know because we danced to it fairly often at my high school's Swing Club. We see that our boys have the Big Red One of the 1st Infantry Division, who were ultimately the first to land on Omaha Beach in Normandy on D-Day. So that's pretty cool.

Jack shows up, he is also in the 1st. So everybody's going except Feeny and Eric. There really isn't a whole lot to talk about here. Feeny wishes them all good luck or whatever, and tells them to write an essay on their "summer in Europe", even though it's December. It's time to leave and it looks like Alan is leading the Big Red One, but Topanga arrives on the scene and Cory wants a quick word with her.

Those lips were made for the 40's. He proposes and she says yes.

At The War, everybody's hanging up mementos of their loved ones and Jack's got a giant framed picture of Eric. It's funny on its own, but they milk the "everyone thinks he's gay" thing way too hard. Like, yeah, we get the implication, you don't need to throw it in our faces. It would have been way more funny if they kept it subtle. Mail arrives and Cory gets a perfumey letter from Topanga, and it's just some romancey stuff. Yawn. The sound effects of combat begin, and before they rush out to fight Cory tells Shawn to marry Topanga in his stead if he dies. It's really overly dramatic, this whole thing is trying really hard to be dramatic, like the worst thing that happened in World War 2 was that some guys didn't make it back to their girlfriends. 

Well it was only a matter of time until they made that joke. Amy is sad about missing her kids, but it's hard to give a shit since none of this actually matters. At least we get to see Eric do this thing.

Inside the house, Salem is trying to call Sabrina on the phone, but she doesn't answer.

Back at The War, we're in a foxhole with the soldiers and we're supposed to feel bad for Cory some more. They turn on the radio and learn that the war in Europe has ended, which happened in April and early May of 1945. I guess Salem's been trying to call Sabrina for several years now. So Shawn, Cory, and Alan all survived the Normandy invasion (which is obviously not mentioned). Cory is an idiot so he rushes out of the foxhole to go back to Philly and is promptly blown up by a low budget explosion. The audience doesn't laugh, so once again we're going for heavy handed drama and it's just boringggggggg. I understand that we're in a war here, but I mean M.A.S.H was funny and interesting and set in a war, so it's definitely possible.

At home, everyone's having trouble with the lack of a Cory, and Shawn decides it's time to propose to Topanga like he promised. She slaps him, but then accepts when he says it's what Cory wanted. But he's still getting some disapproving glares from everyone else.

Woah now, that's a little racy for ABC. But it's also very Shawn. It's one of the very few funny moments in this episode.

Amy is certain that Cory's still out there, and asks Eric to go to Europe to find him. Once again, the audience doesn't laugh when I feel like they should. Now we're in Paris, where a beatnik looking Cory is making out with some "French" woman in a restaurant. He's got amnesia. 

Apparently Cory has a dream every night about some girl, but he doesn't remember who she is. This is really boring. Shawn and Topanga are about to get married, Eric and Jack find Cory here in Paris, and the French girl wants to marry Cory.

I'm not leaving anything out here, Topanga literally just shows up at the restaurant in France in her wedding dress, and awakens Cory's memory with a big ol kiss. Even though the entire duration of World War II has passed, the characters are all back at high school during the credits. 40's Cory is about to propose to 40's Topanga again for some reason, and then we jump back to 1997 and I still understand nothing.

Plot: 0 - Garbage.

Character Development: 0 -  Garbage.

Humor: 0.5 - A recycling bin.

Life Lesson: 0 - A garbage truck.

0.5 out of 4.0. Don't even think of wasting your time with this monstrosity. MAYBE if Sabrina showed up at some point it could have been at least remotely enjoyable, but that didn't happen. This might be the worst episode in the entire series. And not even the good kind of bad, like the one with the cherry bomb. I can't even get mad about how bad this is, I'm just depressed and disappointed. Not bad like a Michael Bay film where at least there's explosions and shit, just mindlessly empty and bland. This episode is an unsalted, stale cracker.

Thanks for reading I guess. See you Monday.

All images used under Fair Use.