Episode 5x05 "The Witches of Pennbrook"

This aired on October 31st, it's a Halloween episode. I don't have great memories of this one, but it can't be worse than Who's Afraid of Cory Wolf.

Eric is trying to drag Jack out to a club to meet women, and Eric's got his "I'm a real wacky guy" face on, so it's business as usual. Except when Jack claims that he's "uncomfortable picking up girls". Is that so, Jacky boy? Your beach-chair-in-the-hallway from last episode with the sole purpose of picking up girls says otherwise.  At the 1:20 mark, we're presented with Candace Cameron, who we all know as DJ Tanner from Full House. What the hell is she doing on my show? Eric tries to hit on her, but she's much more interested in Jack and introduces herself as "Millie from 3b".

THAT AIN'T FULL HOUSE. There are more hormones in this one scene than in Full House's entire run.

It cuts to Eric returning from the club later (alone, of course) and he immediately takes off his pants and heads over to his computer. ...Yeah, that sounds about right. But when he pulls up the blinds on the window (you know, like everyone does right before they JERK IT), he spies Jack and Millie rounding first base on the balcony. DEFINITELY NOT FULL HOUSE.

I think they just taped a piece of paper over that computer screen.

Eric, oblivious to social cues, decides to go out to the balcony to say hi to Millie. This is a great example of what a terrible actress Candace Cameron is. She's another of what I like to call "Eyebrow Actors." Do you see these eyebrows? I cut out the rest of the scene there, just look at that shit. SIX eyebrow-raises in TWO sentences. WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS NIGHTMARE.

If you can't read those over-acting lips, she's saying "It's very important for me to have Jack. Don't get in my way."

The next day, Eric and Jack are doing some stretching exercises in their living room when Millie shows up. She claims that she was up all night thinking about Jack, and he isn't terrified by that for some reason. She wants to eat breakfast with Jack on the balcony, but the boys were about to go for a run. Jack puts ho before bro, and we remember that Shawn also lives here when he comes out to give them "Rocky hats" for their jog. Eric heads out on his own, and Millie expresses interest in the fact that Shawn is "another Hunter".

Anybody watch Supernatural? Witches and Hunters? That's kinda funny. Anyway.

Millie has invited her gothy friends over to see the balcony, and no one has a problem with that. Later, Eric is watching a scary movie by himself when Millie comes into the apartment with a set of keys Jack made for her. Is there an implied time skip there or is Jack just insane? Either way, Eric can smell the trouble but Jack's thinking with the wrong head, if you know what I mean.

Yeah see these guys know how to use their eyebrows properly. Especially Will Friedle, he's got that single brow raise on LOCK, at the very end there. Eric's character development is practically nonexistent this season, but they definitely still know how to write his humor... except for the last episode... Anyway Jack's still not listening.

Back at home, Cory and Topanga are discussing their weekend trip to Pittsburgh, to visit Topanga's parents. It's like a five hour drive from Philly to Pittsburgh, but Cory decided to buy plane tickets instead. Topanga is apparently terrified of flying and Cory sort of makes fun of her for that. It is not exciting.

It's Candace Cameron o'clock again, and she's chanting some stupid spell on Jack's balcony with candles and scarves and shit. I just can't take her seriously.

Why do they have a potted tree growing on their balcony?

Eric overhears Millie literally talking to Satan, and confronts her, but just then Jack comes home with "the pizza". Millie slaps Eric and now any one of us can write the rest of this scene. "He came onto me!" "How could you do that man!" "She's evil man!" "You're just jealous man! We're not friends anymore!"

Yeah that was a pretty spot on prediction, but Eric is able to make it pretty funny.

Eric makes Jack choose between them, and of course Jack chooses the one with the boobs. Will does a fantastic job of carrying an otherwise cringe-tastic scene, it's actually really funny. At the end though, Millie states that she is moving in to the apartment. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Oh, "she's only staying for a few days, she's having trouble with her roommates." Fine. Eric makes one last (hilarious) attempt at convincing Jack, but to no avail. Shawn tries his hand as well.

That's such a Shawn thing to say, you know? Like "Oh, there's a witch staying in our apartment. Huh. I wonder what Cory's up to..."

This second opinion convinces Jack to confront Millie, and she admits to being a witch, but plays it off like it's no big deal. Like if you meet someone who claimed to be Wiccan or whatever, and they're like "oh it's just a belief system~". Anyway it looks like Millie has cast some sort of spell on Jack as he's all wide eyed and expressionless as she tells him they'll be hosting a party the next night.

It is now the next night, All Hallow's Eve. But it's not time for the party just yet. Cory and Topanga board their airplane, one of those reeeeeeeeeal small mini planes, but Cory claims it's a real airline.

Their pilot is named Dexter Jorgensen, who recognizes Cory's name and comments that he went to school with Eric. In fact, Eric tutored Dexter, so this guy's a real dumb dumb. It's all a mish mash of things for Topanga to be afraid of, all they need is a gremlin on the wing.

In The Backyard, Feeny gives pocket thesauruses instead of candy to Morgan and her pals. Hell, I'd take a pocket thesaurus. That's awesome. Eric shows up asking Mister Feeny if he can sleep at his place. He immediately says no, but he is curious why Eric is asking.

Feeny advises Eric to find a way to make Jack "hear him", but it hardly matters at this point since Jack is well aware that Millie is a witch.

On the plane, Cory uses an extremely archaic cell phone to call Feeny asking about Jorgensen (since he was a classmate of Eric's). Feeny tells him not to get on the plane, but ends the call by saying he'll probably be fine. WHICH IS IT, OLD MAN?

And now Topanga is flying the plane.

Yeah that's Dexter Jorgensen. You wouldn't want him flying your plane either.

This whole flying thing feels really uninspred and by-the-book. Topanga was afraid? Now Cory's afraid! What a twist! At least Cory is still funny. The Matthews brothers are on fire today.

NOW it's time for that occult party Millie was talking about.

As soon as this scene started, I had to pause the video and just laugh hysterically for a good 30 seconds. You have to hear it to really understand, but I mean, it looks fucking ridiculous, for starters, but all the extras are making this "wooOOooo" sound, and it's so unenthusiastic and phoned-in, so absolutely terrible that I just broke down and laughed. Please try to watch this part. What's great is that the audience isn't laughing, so it's not intentionally terrible.

That was the best thing I've ever seen. Holy shit. That's an Emmy. Emmys everywhere.

Shawn is having a grand ol' time at this shindig though, because that's what Shawn does. And that's why we love him.

You can't NOT love him.

Jack tries to break up with Millie, but she is apparently now Ushkar, Queen of Malevolence, Daughter of Evil. Ushkar and the extras tie up Shawn and Jack. Allegedly they need some star to shine into their special crystal, and the apartment's balcony is the perfect place for that to happen. The crystal will reflect the light onto Shawn and Jack and kill them as a sacrifice to Satan or Hades or whoever. BUT WAIT!

Eric searches the book for a "counter-spell", but the ritual completes just as he says "ah here it is". The light beam from the crystal hits Eric and does nothing because (according to Eric) he's wearing SPF 50. I can't really tell if that's what the book says is the counterspell, to just wear sunscreen, but that's funnier than Eric lucking into it so let's go with that.

What was the point of Feeny's advice though? Seriously, all Feeny said was to "make him hear you", and that's not what Eric did. At all. That's unusual.

SHE JUST CAN'T CONTROL HER EYEBROWS.

Jack has actually made me laugh a few times this episode, so that's new and exciting. The witches all leave, Eric and Jack reconcile, due mostly to Eric's big ol heart, and they go off searching for a new party.

During the credits, Eric and Melissa Joan Hart are hanging out on the balcony and eventually go out for a bite to eat. It's "funny" because, as we all know, Melissa played Sabrina the Teenage Witch, which was in its third season (read as: it wasn't garbage yet) on ABC when this episode aired. For anyone wondering, it was the fifth season of Sabrina where she went to college and nobody cared anymore. Also, it's very obvious how much better Melissa Joan Hart is at acting than Candace Cameron.

I definitely had a big ol' crush on Sabrina. I think everybody did. We never see Cory and Topanga and Dexter Jorgensen again, so it's implied that they all died because Topanga doesn't know how to fly a plane.

Plot: 0.75 - It's obviously not, like, the Breaking Bad kind of good plot, but they were looking for a silly holiday themed story, and in that respect it works. It works a lot better than Cory Wolf. Or maybe it's just because Sabrina was in it.

Character Development: 0.75 - Jack and Eric have their friendship tested, and they end up even stronger friends than before.

Humor: 1.0 - Yeah it's definitely really funny. Watch it just for the humor. Even Cory's side story has its moments.

Life Lesson: 0 - Nothin really to take away from this one, it was just for fun. And that's perfectly fine.

2.5 out of 4.0. Like I said, watch it for the humor. It's an easy watch from start to finish and I thoroughly enjoyed it. And that "woOOooo" part, oh my god. Definitely watch that.

Thanks for reading, see you Friday.

All images used under Fair Use.