Episode 6x06 "Hogs and Kisses"

This episode is so profoundly frustrating that my blood is already boiling. Call me tonight's lobster dinner cuz I am boiling right up.

We've got a filming crew here trying to make a video-tour of Pennbrook, and through the magic of Protagonist Privilege, Cory and Topanga are the hosts for this tour. But Cory sucks. Bad. The good news is that Cory is self-aware enough to realize it. I would have had to kill myself if we were doing the "How do we tell him he sucks, I don't want to hurt his feelings" trope.

Right away I feel a lot more comfortable than in the last episode. Sometimes Cory is insufferable, sometimes he's amazing. Last episode, he was insufferable. Right now, I love him. People usually choose Shawn or Eric as their favorite Boy, but perhaps Cory has the biggest effect on the atmosphere of the show. When he's awesome, we feel awesome, and when he's shit, nothing can save us. And we're about to see the proof of that when this episode goes to hell in the next couple minutes.

Shawn pokes fun at his best friend, and his natural charm is immediately called out by the video's director, who now wants Shawn to replace Cory. And let's be clear about this. Both Shawn and Topanga are hesitant, while Cory insists that Shawn take his place.

We fade over to the filming of the tour's final scene, which ends with a passionate kiss between Shawn and Topanga. Without missing a beat, Cory freaks the fuck out. Later, in The Dorm, Cory is conducting some sort of masochistic ritual by watching the footage of the kiss over and over again, and continuing to freak the fuck out. 

Hey, that's a Streetcar reference. I guess I haven't seen this episode in a long time, I don't remember that. Regardless, Cory's delirium gets him into a shouting match with the guy in the next room over. It made me laugh pretty damn hard, I'm not gonna lie. I've mentioned before that Ben Savage is hysterical when he's acting angry, and this is the perfect example. There's nothing special about the lines either, it's all in the delivery. The other guy turns out to be this giant bodybuilder, which we learn when he breaks down the door to Cory's room.

At The Apartment, it's like, 80% same, 20% kinda new.

Jack doesn't make me laugh very often, but that one got me.

They're still putting on a show for her, but now it's less about getting in her pants and more about not scaring her off. As soon as she leaves they get out some donuts and start burping and taking off their pants and everything. Jack and Eric are convinced that Rachel will want to move out if she sees who they really are. See this seems like something that should have been covered earlier, like right after she moved in. Oh well.

The bodybuilder has now joined Cory in sobbing as they watch the Shawpanga kiss footage together. The joke is that he's gay and is getting a little too close to Cory. They missed an opportunity here, where the bodybuilder could have thought Cory was crying over Shawn, and that would be the avenue to him being gay. That would have worked a lot better.

Topanga finds Shawn at The Union, where he had to sleep on the couch, on account of Cory locking him out of The Dorm. As she wakes him up, he says "No clown, no!" like he's having a nightmare, and I swear Cory said the same thing in a similar situation, but I can't remember which episode. The two of them are then found by Cory, who claims to be over the whole kissing thing, that he is a "happy, healthy Cory."

Another one of those legendary lines. And golly gosh goobers, can you believe that it came from an angry Cory? I'm tellin you guys. Angry Cory. It never disappoints.

Despite the overwhelming resistance of Topanga and Shawn, Cory demands that the two of them go on a date together, and eventually they relent. The episode has become frustrating. It's just... so... stupid... It's soooooooooo stupid. Cory isn't that stupid! "How can we learn so much every week, AND STILL BE SO STUPID?!" One of the main points of the Lauren arc was that you can kiss someone and have it not mean anything, but Cory has conveniently forgotten all about that.

He heads over to Angela's dorm to get her opinion on the Shawn/Topanga dinner date, which, as we now learn, Cory set up and paid for himself.

Angela is, in fact, not an idiot, so she tries to explain to Cory why he is an idiot, but it's no use. Cory is just too stupid. And not even the funny kind of stupid that he was in the first two seasons. He hears Shawpanga returning home from their date, and they're putting on a whole show like they're gonna go make the beast with two backs in The Dorm. Once they're inside, they're reading from scripts and making all these sound effects to really troll the crap out of Cory. It's funny in theory, but since this is Cory's best friend and Cory's fiance, they of all people should know that Cory is fucking stupid, way too stupid to see through an obvious joke like this, they should know that Cory is as dumb as a bag of hammers. But they don't. So Cory walks off upset, before Shawpanga have a chance to say "gotcha!".

Eric and Jack are continuing with their hyper-politeness con during a lovely spaghetti dinner. Rachel calls them out for putting on a show just because she's a woman, but the boys insist that she could never handle the intensity of their slob-ness. Slob-ocity.

Will Friedle, showing up with the perfect delivery.

Rachel decides to prove them wrong by initiating a massive food fight, effectively destroying their entire apartment. Further, she demands that they clean everything up by the time she gets out of the shower. What the fuck is that. What's interesting to think about though, is how exactly you do this kind of scene. Obviously you can't choreograph a food fight, and you only get one take for something like this. I figure they just set the scene up and told them to improvise for a couple minutes, which is pretty awesome to think about. And the actors look like they're having a ton of fun. Is it fun to watch? Yes. Is it a waste of time? Abso-damn-lutely. It seems like the writers were reaaaaally stretching for ANYTHING to fill time in this episode. Start to finish, this Apartment scene clocks in at almost five minutes. We almost NEVER spend that long in a single location.

Cory takes Angela to his room to show her proof of what Topanga and Shawn are doing, but Shawpanga aren't there anymore. So instead they have the exact same conversation they had a few minutes ago. Because Cory is an idiot. Regarding the kiss, "You can't do something like that without feeling anything." Gaaaaaaahhhhh Cory what are you talking abouttttttt. Not only does Cory have the kiss+date with Lauren to refer back to, but also Topanga's kiss+date with that boy band looking guy from the art museum in Starry Night. And also common sense, and the fact that literally everyone else is telling him otherwise. Angela finally saddles up and kisses Cory to prove that he won't feel anything.

And so now Cory's convinced That's pretty much the end, that's it. That was uh... That was it.

During the credits, Jack and Eric literally die waiting for Rachel to get out of the shower. Non-canon, presumably.

Plot: 0 - One of the worst plots ever. I haven't given a zero for plot in a long time, but damn, Cory forcing them to be in the scene together, then forcing them to go on a date, then losing his mind, it was just awful. And you can almost draw a comparison between Topanga telling Cory to go on that second date with Lauren, and Cory telling Shawpanga to go on a date, but it's not really that similar since Shawpanga were never taking the date seriously at any point. And to bring back what I said at the beginning, no matter how everyone else in the episode is doing, nothing could have saved us from the fact that Cory was a train wreck.

Character Development: 1.0 - This one's actually going to Angela. When we first met her, it was annoying how she made Cory and Shawn act, but she herself has been pretty cool for a while. Always keeps her head on straight. And we can see that the "let's be real friends" thing between Cory and Angela from episode 4 is actually happening.

Humor: 1.0 - Angry Cory is hilarious (undapants), and Eric+Jack had some good lines, but mostly just Cory.

Life Lesson: 0 - Don't be as dumb as Cory.. 

2.0 out of 4.0. - Undapants. Cory and Angela are actually being friends like they wanted. The Apartment is stupid, but not as stupid as Cory. Not much else to say. I guess Eric and Jack were the hogs, and the kisses were the kisses.

Thanks for reading, see you Monday. And Happy Halloween!

All images used under Fair Use.