Episode 7x11 "What a Drag!"

Don't worry, there's actually a worthwhile analysis at the end.

Crazy Luther is breaking into The Union.

No Eric, not that Crazy Luther. This one is crazy enough to think this tiny ass building is suitable for the rave he's throwing tonight. Jack and Eric call the cops, but, according to Jack, they do so "before he could do anything illegal." This is the worst instance of thinly veiled exposition that we've seen in a long time. Two cops are just standing there holding Luther by the shoulders while Eric and Jack explain twenty years of events to each other and the viewer. It's a really terrible shot to kick off a terrible episode. We'll just forget about the whole trespassing and breaking+entering, so the cops leave and Crazy Luther vows to kill Eric and Jack at some point in the future.

You know those movies that have like, a dog playing sports or something? If you don't think that a dog playing sports is entertaining, then you're doomed from the start because every joke branches off of that characteristic. This episode is a lot like that. If you don't think that Eric in drag doing a French girly voice is entertaining, then you're dead in the water.

I am dead in the water.

Shawn lends his expertise to Eric's plight, yet he does so without ever mentioning Chick Like Me. We've seen proof that there's no rule against making callbacks to earlier episodes, but, like last episode, Shawn is giving experienced advice without anyone commenting on his experience. In fact, Cory calls back Chick Like Me in 5x22. It's like the new writers never even watched the show.

At The Dorm, Topanga discovers that her husband has painted every wall except the fourth with road-stripe-yellow paint as she walks in the door.

I think Topanga borrowed Jack's "manly step-ups" from 6x19.

Well that's fantastic, we're playing the "I hate it but I can't tell him I hate it" game. How many times has Topanga jumped down Cory's throat about being open and honest?

While I was getting that I noticed that Ben Sandwich and Schneider just trade clothes when the director tells them to get into costume. Never caught that before.

So Jack and Eric go down to The Union as Lala and Chantal, respectively, for reasons that I cannot begin to imagine. Are they risking their lives and massive embarrassment just to go get a coffee? Either way, Crazy Luther is there and he tries to hit on Jack, but Monsieur Feeny swoops in to have a word with the boys. He says Eric looks like a bison, which is true, and comments that he has DD fake breasts, "just like your grades." I don't think anyone has ever made that joke before. It's just too clever.

 The punchline for about another minute is "Eric is doing a french accent as a girl," like I was saying before about dogs and sports. Crazy Luther keeps trying to flirt with Jack/Lala.

Topanga is also here at The Union, and Cory runs up to her with all his recent purchases at Cork World. It's funny but not funny enough to redeem anything, and then our boy runs off to Thumbtack City.

Crazy Luther won't take no for an answer, so it looks like Jack's going on a date. This is a good time to stop and reflect. Crazy Luther is treating Jack almost exactly like Gary treated Shawn in Chick Like Me, except this time instead of making an important point it's just for cheap laughs. That's season 7 in a nutshell right there.

Now here's something you won't believe.

Eric cries to Topanga that he's ugly, although she doesn't know it's Eric. They talk about husbands, and SOMEHOW SOMEWAY IN A FARAWAY BIZARRO UNIVERSE, Eric gives Topanga advice about how to handle the situation with Cory. She needs Eric to tell her to just be honest with Cory? What the hell show am I watching?

The punchline in this scene is that Eric is pretending to be a girl and it lasts about six times longer than it needs to. There's a stupidly long dialogue between Jack and Crazy Luther in The Union but I was looking at reddit instead of paying attention. Eric has just run over with a camera though, so it looks like they're going to pull the old gay-photo-blackmail-switcheroo.

Oh and in case you forgot, Eric is dressed like a girl.

I'm sorry Dancing Guy, you deserve better than that.

Topanga prepares to tell Cory that she doesn't like yellow or cork, but when she enters The Dorm we see a much nicer looking place than any of us could have expected. Especially since you've got to be kidding me that he did all this in one day.

At The Union, Jack is overcompensating for dressing like normal again, while Eric wants to be Chantal for a bit longer. Oh wow it's over, doesn't even have a scene during the credits. Yup, I checked, this is the second shortest episode in the series at 19:41. I've never actually looked at this before, so let's do a little length analysis just to add some actual substance to this review.

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Season 1 episodes are all over 22 minutes, fourteen of which are over 23. The longest of the season, and of the whole series, is episode 3, Father Knows Less, at 23:16. And that episode is fantastic. The shortest is episode 2 at 22:22.

Season 2 episodes are all over 22 minutes, with only the season premiere over 23 at 23:01. The shortest is the finale at 22:03.

Season 3 has no episodes over 23 minutes, and has two which dip down into the 21:xx range. The longest episode, the season premiere, is 22:31, and the shortest, episode 12, is 21:15.

Season 4 episodes are all under 22 minutes, the longest (episode 4) at 21:59, with Singled Out dipping under 21 at 20:30. Chris Hardwick is expensive, yo.

Season 5 episodes are all under 22 minutes. The longest is the season finale at 21:44, and the shortest is Eric Hollywood at 20:27. If any of the short episodes deserved more time, it was that one.

Season 6 ties with season 5 for longest, with Road Trip at 21:44, and has the shortest episode of the series, You're Married You're Dead, at 19:37. I think we all remember what a pile of garbage that one was.

Season 7 has overall better duration than 6, with the longest (excluding the 2-part finale) at 21:52, which unfortunately was the previous episode, Pickett Fences, and of course this episode is the shortest of the season at 19:41.

So there's a general trend of decreasing in length, but was that all a waste of time? My first thought was yes, because of differing theme-song lengths, and the fact that a scene-during-the-credits may be shorter than the credits over the logo while still providing more time of actual content. However, without addressing those concerns, there is one surefire conclusion. Seasons 6 and 7 have theme songs of the same length, and both You're Married You're Dead and this episode had credits-over-the-logo, so indeed YMYD has less content than this episode.

Now, let's factor in theme-song length.
Season 1: 58 seconds
Season 2: 7 seconds
Season 3: 10 seconds
Season 4: 21 seconds
Seasons 5,6, and 7: 22 seconds

It's hard to account for the ones with credits-over-the-logo, but we're looking for general trends, and most episodes have content during the credits, I don't think we even saw the logo credits until like season 5, so let's just chalk that up to acceptable error.

TL;DR after subtracting off the theme-song length, we end up with the following durations for shortest and longest episodes, with the episode number in parentheses.

Season 1: 22:18 (3), 21:24 (2)
Season 2: 22:54 (1), 21:56 (23)
Season 3: 22:21 (1), 21:05 (12)
Season 4: 21:38 (4), 20:09 (7)
Season 5: 21:22 (24), 20:05 (19)
Season 6: 21:22 (15), 19:15 (8)
Season 7: 21:30 (10), 19:19 (11)

So in fact the premiere of season 2 wins a LANDSLIDE victory as the episode with the most content (and it does have a scene during the credits). We see an overall increase in content from season 1 to 2, and then a steady decrease after that. Cool stuff.

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I guess I still have to score this episode.

Plot: 0 - Pitiful, awful, I would rather watch Chick Like Me ten times out of ten. How did they take the same story and do it so perfectly one time, and so god awful wrong the second time? The guy who wrote Chick Like Me also wrote Security Guy, so hi five for him, and the guy who wrote this one only did two other episodes: The Psychotic Episode, which sucked, and episode 21 of this season, which I believe also sucks.

Character Development: 0 - Nothing remotely close to development occurred.

Humor: 0.25 - I enjoyed Cory's enthusiasm about Cork World. But as for Eric... How did it get this bad? "My hosiery is bunching" from Chick Like Me is funnier than every joke in this episode combined. 

Life Lesson: 0 - Sometimes, not even Eric can save you.

0.25 out of 4.0. I think this is the lowest score I've ever given. No Guts No Cory got a 0.5. Episode 20 of this season might be able to pull off that perfect 0 though. Keep hope alive.

Thanks for reading, see you tomorrow.

All images used under Fair Use.