Episode 7x08 "The Honeymooners"

I was really close to not doing this at all today. I just... ugh... Season 7 is so bad...

The "previously" reminds us that Eric gave Cory a key to the honeymoon suite, which is where we find our newlyweds now. As you can see in the logo above, Cory's in a real rush to leave his new wife unsatisfied. She reminds him "there's such a thing as foreplay", which is a nice touch. Pun absolutely intended. It's interesting that Disney Channel banned "Prom-ises Prom-ises" but not this one. Every time they say something like this or someone swears, I like to imagine an overprotective parent getting in a huff because their child is watching this on Disney channel. Does anyone know for certain whether they censored any profanity or anything? I never watched this show on Disney.

So anyway, Topanga puts on some sexy nightwear while Cory enjoys the gift basket for "Mister and Misses Harold Peterman," the couple Eric took advantage of to bamboozle the hotel staff. It looks like all systems are go for Cory and Topanga's two minutes of fun.

But then the police burst into the room and take our heroes away. Eric is in the hallway as well, in handcuffs, and everybody heads off to jail. Then... stock footage... of a tropical island... Cory and Topanga are here with no loss to their stride, despite having spent the previous night in jail. So... why did that happen? Being arrested had no effect on anything at all. Their honeymoon is still exactly on track. That was THE most abrupt transition in the whole series. GOING TO JAIL. STOCK FOOTAGE. PARADISE. What?

And then it finally happens. The implied off-camera sex during some more stock footage. *Confetti*

Topanga meets an old woman named Madeline out at, I don't know, it's probably a pool. Even though Topanga explicitly states that she's saving the seat for her husband, Madeline claims it as her own. Apparently Cory is still sleeping because Topanga "wore him out", which seems like the opposite of what we've come to expect this season, but hey, if Topanga's a closet deviant, more power to her.

Cory meets Madeline's husband, we don't get his name, so they're going to be "Mr. and Mrs. Nelson" from now on. The Nelsons are retiring here on Stock Footage Island, so the two couples talk about how amazing Stock Footage Island is, and about sex. I like to think this was a jab at the network by Michael Jacobs, like "okay they're married so let's talk about sex as much as possible just because we can now." This episode certainly isn't the Boy Meets World of yore, but it's lighthearted enough to be entertaining. Cory and Topanga are enjoying being married, so we might as well too

Oh by the way Eric is here.

There's some more honeymooning going on while Eric conducts a small instrumental group in the background. He has resolved to make up for ruining Corpanga's wedding night, so I guess he's trying to enhance their honeymoon. Even without Eric, this trip is going so well that Cory decides he wants to stay here on Stock Footage Island for the rest of his life, and I'll just show you Topanga's reaction.

Things actually work out better than you could have possibly expected. Cory opens a store where he... carves coconuts to look like celebrities... And apparently it's a big hit. But not as big a hit as Cory hitting the gym woop woooooooooooo:

But seriously there's nothing to talk about.

And don't worry. The beach at Stock Footage Island is definitely not fake.

The Nelsons got a letter from their family, some grandkid won a soccer game, which is supposed to ignite this idea of "don't leave your family behind" in the viewer and in Cory. Eric does some Eric things and then some new stock footage transitions us to the next morning. A lady hits a fake lizard with a stick.

There's nothing to talk about.

The locals want Cory to run for mayor against, I'm not kidding, the Communist party. The Nelsons have decided to fly home to watch their grandkid play soccer. Eric gets attacked by a spider. Is it really 17 minutes already?

Cory carves a Shawn coconut and a Feeny coconut, and together with his wife they realize that they miss their friends and family. You mean they're not going to live on Definitely Has A Real Beach Island forever? They had me going. I sure felt we were in a crisis. So they go home and there's a few more jokes about them having constant sex and Eric is back on the island getting made into soup.

There isn't even a scene during the credits.

Any questions? That's a joke, since you couldn't possibly have any questions.

I have a question though. What the fuck did I just watch? That has to be one of the most "blah" episodes in the entire series. WHY WAS ERIC THERE. Aside from conducting the band for 20 seconds, he didn't contribute anything to anything. Then again, what was there to contribute to? I don't even know what I'm feeling right now. It didn't seem like a real episode. Felt like a five-minute bonus spot that they'd put on youtube nowadays.

Plot: 0.25 - NOTHING HAPPENED.

Character Development: 0 - Uhhhhhhhhh

Humor: 0.75 - There were some really good jokes, I definitely laughed at the Communist bit, but Eric is preventing the full point. I didn't laugh at anything Eric did.

Life Lesson: 1.0 - Home is where the heart is, I guess.

2.0 out of 4.0. It really doesn't seem like a real episode. There was almost no content. Buttttttttttttt but but but it was entertaining, and I enjoyed seeing Michael Jacobs try to bring up sex as many times as possible in 20 minutes. I don't know. If I were flipping through channels and this were on, I'd watch it, but that's about all I can say. It was nice to see Cory and Topanga enjoying their marriage, but did it need 20 minutes? Did it need Eric? Probably not.

Thanks for reading, I know it was short, but there was nothing to talk about. See you Friday.

All images used under Fair Use.