Episode 5x15 "First Girlfriends Club"

(Seizure warning on the last gif, I guess. It's flashing really fast. Not tryin to kill anybody here.)

Valentine's Day is coming up, as is clear from the hallway's decorations. I can't imagine the holiday-decoration budget at this school. Recall that Topanga found Lauren's letter at the end of the previous episode, and has now brought it with her to school for some reason. All through the series I've admired Topanga's level headedness and maturity, pretty much her only selling point, and now that's out the window. If I were Topanga, I would bring Cory the letter and ask to read it with him. It doesn't matter though, since Angela has no concern for those sorts of things and rips the letter's envelope right open. Angela tries to make a joke and it's awful, then both girls read the letter and look sad. Boo hoo.

On the other side of the hall, we learn about Shawn Hunter's Valentine's Day anxiety. Apparently he doesn't have the necessary time to prepare for it.

He claims this is the first V-Day that's actually worth something (because of Angela) and he's afraid of screwing it up. Not to worry though! "Chasing Angela" Cory is here, riding a brand new saddle for his high horse. Cory is a self-proclaimed "Valentine's Day veteran, Shawn". Yes that's right, and what romantic evening do you have planned, wise veteran? "We have a dinner, at Chubbie's." Apparently they do that every year, recreating their first date, which takes absolutely no effort on the part of either person. That's dumb and you're dumb, Cory.

Topanga slams her soon to be ex boyfriend into a locker and tells him they need to talk. Credit where credit is due, this is the same thing we saw in Wake Up, Little Cory where Topanga gets PISSED and tells Cory off instead of devolving into a sad sack of crying mush, as other women on television are prone to do. Anger is much stronger and more compelling than sadness. Thumbs up for strong female characters.

She tells Cory she doesn't trust him anymore, and doesn't know if they can work this one out. And really, as Cory points out, it's sort of Shawn's fault for giving him the terrible advice to lie about the kiss in the previous episode.

Later, a group of three girls that we recognize from earlier seasons think that "all men are dogs" after this Corpanga scandal breaks in the school newspaper. Angela tries to defend the male gender, but these ladies think Shawn is the worst of all.

It's irrelevant, but look at the palette in this scene, everything is white red and black. Interesting.

OKAY SO I'M GONNA BLOW YOUR MINDS. I'm surprised nobody mentioned this in the comments yet. We know these three girls (im going to be calling them The Blondes) are Shawn's ex girlfriends, and I had to look up the one on the left. Her name is Libby, and she had like 10 seconds of screen time in The Last Temptation of Cory in season 3, a time when Cory and Topanga were very much in love and in a committed relationship.

YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE HAPPENED IN THAT EPISODE?

I QUIT. I GOD DAMN QUIT. 

I CAN'T, THIS SHOW IS JUST IT'S I CAN'T.

NO.

What the fuck man! We did this EXACT SAME SHIT already! Except Cory wasn't a dumbass that time! And Topanga forgave him that time, like any reasonable person would, given the circumstances. But Shawn said in 5x14, and I quote, "She'll forgive you for lying, because you never have before, but she will never forgive you for kissing another girl." Cory has in fact lied before, and so has Topanga, so that first part is wrong, and she already forgave him for kissing another girl. So Shawn was just completely fucking wrong. They even used one of the girls from that episode. They're like,
"Oh, which of Shawn's exes should we bring in, how bout Libby?"

"Which episode was she in again?"

"Who caaaaares, there's no way it's relevant!"

Not only did the writers forget what that episode was about, but Libby was complicit in trying to get Cory to kiss Missy, and now she wants to call Cory a dog? Fuck everything about this.

Ugh. Anyway. The blonde in the middle is Jennifer from An Affair to Forget in season 4, and on the right is, of course, Dana from The Heart is a Lonely Hunter in season 3. Hooray.

I honestly don't want to review this anymore. I'm actually pissed because of The Last Temptation of Cory and I can't focus on this crap. I'm gonna make this brief, nothing important happens until the end anyway.

The Blondes resolve to exact their revenge against Shawn by ruining his V-Day date. At The Apartment, Shawn's getting ready to actually show up to a V-Day date for the first time.

Eric's hair is long again. Huh.

There's a note left at their door, apparently from Angela, saying to meet her at "the boathouse". Which.. pff.. come on. Anyway The Blondes are lying in wait at the boathouse. They handcuff Shawn to some metal pipes and begin the "Trial of Shawn Hunter", an examination of his womanizing past.

Angela shows up at The Apartment looking for Shawn, but wuh oh, he's not there. The Shrial of Hawn Tunter continues at the boathouse, and it's absurd. All the evidence is just "We dated... and then we didn't date anymore... how dare you...". It is beyond nonsense. Now Jack and Eric arrive on the scene, presumably with Angela as well.

Thank you, Eric, for your shining light in even the darkest of nightmares.

At home, Morgan's got some V-day chocolate and I do not care. Angela shows up looking for Shawn, so apparently she didn't go with Eric and Jack. I don't know why not. Eric calls the house to tell Cory the situation. Back at The Trial, who cares! Jack and Eric storm into the trial to argue in Shawn's defense. It's hilarious. Thank you Jack and Eric. Angela and Cory show up and Angela unlocks the handcuffs without the key. That's the power of love, baby.

There's a fairly decent conversation about forgiveness and trust and stuff, Eric and Jack are still hilarious, but there's a surprise witness for the prosecution.

Topanga is still unable to forgive Cory, and then she leaves, so I'm not really sure why she came here in the first place. There's actually a genuine and sweet dialogue between Shawn and Angela here, I think it's the only time that I actually feel good about their relationship. Cory is convinced that Topanga's still going to go to Chubbie's for their date, so he and Shangela head out. That leaves Jack and Eric to hit on The Blondes and escort the three of them out for a group date thing. Look out for my Jack x Dana fan fiction, hitting shelves this Christmas.

During the credits, Topanga does not, in fact, show up at Chubbie's. I'm pretty sure that wasn't actually their first date anyway.

Plot: 0 - IT SUCKED.

Character Development: 1.0 - Shawn admits that he used to be a womanizing jerk, and resolves to be a better person with Angela.

Humor: 1.0 - Jack and Eric man, Eric and Jack. Very funny. You know why it worked? Because Shawn and Cory work. And when they write these two like those two, as they did in this episode and the handful of episodes before this one, everybody has a good time.

Life Lesson: 0 - PPPBBBTTTTHHHH

2.0 OUT OF 4.0. MY SCORING SYSTEM IS GARBAGE. THIS EPISODE SUCKS. IT'S STILL HILARIOUS THOUGH SO YOU SHOULD PROBABLY WATCH IT. I LIKE DANA.