Episode 7x07 "It's About Time"

The new Girl Meets World was enjoyable. I liked the part with John Adams.
"Does that make sense to you?"
"None of this does."
"I'm also gonna be your teacher next year."
Hehehehe.

And I'm pretty okay with Joshua, even though I didn't think I would be. He's a lot more entertaining than Lucas.

Shawn arrives at the Tnemtrapa in a huff, as is his way. Where are Jack and Eric living this whole time, by the way? Are they still in that dorm room or did Mankind steal it from them?

Apparently Cory is working Shawn like a dog with best-man duties, but Angela can tell right away that that's not what's really bothering him. Topanga doesn't have time for Shawn's angst today, her wedding day, so she starts to strangle Shawn. It's actually hilarious. Topanga's psychosis gets a pass on her wedding day, and Shawn looks up to the ceiling as she's strangling him and says "Dad... I'm comin' dad...", a refreshing bit of dark humor that I really enjoyed.

There you can see my lovely girlfriend Rhiannon. Picked her up on the reboundddddddd.

But also WOAH, Topanga just dropped a BOMB. I'm sure that's either been contradicted in the past, or will be in the future, but for now, cool. Doesn't really say which one Cory loves more though, and that's always been the more interesting point.

Shawn keep saying the same sort of thing, but in a refreshing testament to their relationship, Angela knows he's lying and that there's a deeper, bigger problem.

At home, preparations for the wedding aren't going so well. Shawn is nowhere to be found, and Eric sits his brother down for the "pre-wedding sex talk", and you're not gonna believe this but the punchline is that Eric is dumb. Really breaking the mold for this episode. Shawn finally shows up and reveals what's got him so angsty.

Well there it is folks, The Big One. The Big Question. Can this marriage hinder the broest bromance of all time? I like that they gave that to us early in the episode, now we've got time to think about it. Especially since Cory deflects and refuses to talk about it, causing Shawn to forfeit his participation in the wedding, as well as his attendance.  Eric takes over as best man, and we jump a couple hours into the future to see how that's going.

The men are all standing around the living room in their underclothes, and Feeny's rockin a v-neck like a goddamn boss, but the women in the audience are much more interested in Bronze Adonis Jack Hunter. Eric walks in the front door and informs everyone that the tuxedos are in "the limo", which will be taking everyone to the new location Eric has arranged for the wedding. Alan summarizes my thoughts very well.

And apparently the new location is the goddamn Tipton Hotel. 

Inside, the receptionist from Prom-ises Prom-ises greets Eric as "Mister Peterman". Is this the same guy at the same hotel? Did he get promoted? Probably not, but it sure is fun to pretend. Although, I doubt he could forget the man who offered him a mystery bag, even with the haircut.

In some unspecified room, Topanga is making the final preparations with Angela, her best friend, and Rachel, who we are supposed to pretend is also her friend. Topangela have a snack-sized version of the conflict between Shawn and Cory. It lasts for about five seconds. Works for me. It deserved acknowledgement, but the writers knew it wasn't worth very much screen time. Nobody mentions anything about this, but Topanga's not wearing the dress Amy gave her in the previous episode, and Angela and Rachel are also wearing different dresses. That whole big problem from the last episode just doesn't exist anymore.

Leonard Spinelli, Alan's old assistant manager from the grocery store, or whatever character Willie Garson is playing today, is apparently the minister for the wedding. There's a gigantic audience for some reason, and everyone starts filing in to the ceremony. The 11 year old flower girl motions Jack over so she can tell him he's "very hot", which is.... sure, okay... I guess...

Who are all these people! What are they doing here! Who's the flower girl?! Why aren't any of these strangers asking questions or trying to stop this?

Eric asks the ring-bearer why he doesn't have the rings, and the small boy informs the braindead zombie that actually bringing the rings is his job. So yeah, Eric forgot the rings. What a surprise. The ceremony begins with that "here comes the bride" music and Jed begins to walk Topanga down the aisle. There's a lot of implied content if those two are magically back on good terms again, considering how they parted ways in episode 4. Rhiannon's here too.

AY GIRL. Jedediah is out of his mind. 

But seriously, who the hell are all those other people and why are they sitting through Cory's wedding.

Willie Garson begins by welcoming everyone to the wedding of Myra and Harold, which is what I assume all these other people are here for, SO WHY ARE THEY STILL HERE. It's so bizarre. Apparently Amy is now going to sing us a song, which I could absolutely live without, but here we go. We don't have to endure much before Shawn arrives with the forgotten rings, and it's not long after that before Shawn and Cory get into a fight and hash things out once and for all.

I love this scene. Rider Strong totally nails the emotional factor. Ben's going for more comedy than emotion, but it works. We've got 6 seasons of friendship in our minds right now, so we genuinely feel for these guys when they think that things might have to change. Some people might be thinking "wow what a jerk, interrupting Cory's wedding," and to those people I say "hey, shut up." This is the most important relationship on the show, and it takes precedence over anything else, weddings included.

Cory explains that he doesn't know what's going to happen once he's married, and Shawn finally gives him and Topanga his blessing. That's a slightly unsatisfying resolution to one of the most emotional scenes in the entire series, so there must be more to this conversation later.

We skip ahead to the exchanging of vows and Topanga begins with "I wasn't sure this day would ever come." YEAH MAYBE BECAUSE YOU DUMPED CORY TWICE AND CALLED OFF THE WEDDING.

Cory's vows begin with "Ever since I was young, I never really understood anything about the world." See? There's that theme again. The rest of his vows are based on the "loved since 2" retcon, but they're fine. So now they're married and the strangers in the audience applaud.

Everyone's dancing now, including, for some reason, Jed and Rhiannon, and he needs to get his grubby mitts off my woman. Shawn begins a toast, resurrecting the subject of his and Cory's friendship. "We've had to deal with life... and death... and Feeny... but no matter what we faced, we always faced it together." And then Shawn finally relinquishes the title of Best Friend to Topanga. It's really just... heartbreaking. I respect the idea, your spouse ought to be your best friend, but it's overwhelmingly obvious that Topanga is not Cory's. Perhaps Shawn is merely granting them the space for her to become his best friend in the future, which is pretty damn noble of him. And it seems that she does indeed take on that role by the time Girl Meets World rolls around. Then again, Cory completely forgets about his wife when Shawn comes by for an episode, so who the hell knows.

The fuck is that old guy doing in the middle of this hugely important scene? I can't believe the director let that happen.

Eric decides it's time to give the newlyweds his gift, a key to the honeymoon suite at this very hotel. Cory takes the key and they immediately run off to get off. Side note, it appears that everyone is enjoying a glass of champagne. No one comments on it though, so that must be why it sneaked past Disney's censor. Anyway, Eric explains how he lied his way into getting this wedding set up, with the aid of a moron hotel employee who is just Will Friedle with a mustache and accent. So I guess anyone who even looks like Eric is a dumbo. I'm not particularly impressed with this part, but there it is.

The jig is up though, and it's time to get out of Dodge. All the strangers run away too, so apparently they weren't here for the original wedding, and are in fact guests of Cory and Topanga. SO WHO THE FUCK ARE THEY? There's no way they would have fit in The Living Room, and the couple even said at the end of the last episode that they wanted just family and close friends. Are they supposed to represent the invitations to the viewer? That's my best guess.

Plot: 1.0 - They get married, with some twists and turns, a big emotional event with Shawn, and no egregious marriage-related hijinx. It's as good as you can ask for when it comes to wedding episodes.

Character Development: 1.0 - Shawn and Cory have to address The Big Question, and Shawn steps aside for Cory's wife. If we accept the idea that Cory wants to marry Topanga, then we also have to accept that she should become his best friend for the sake of their marriage, even though we like Shawn better. And that ties in with having Topanga admit that Shawn loves Cory more. It takes that serious love to be able to step down and do what's best for Cory's marriage, even if it's not what's best for the entertainment value of the show. We all know that Cory and Shawn screwing around in high school is what's best for the entertainment value of the show, but we gotta let it go.

Humor: 0.25 - Almost all of it was based on "Eric's dumb", and it really wasn't that great. This one was much more about emotion than humor.

Life Lesson: 1.0 - You should probably try to make your spouse your best friend. Which is not to say you can't have other really close friends, just that... if you plan to live with someone every day until you die, they should probably be the most important person.

3.25 out of 4.0. It's one of those emotionally good episodes. We're sad to see Shawn give up his title, you know, it's like main character dying at the end of a good movie. It hurts, but it has to happen, because anything else would have been disingenuous. The whole thing with the hotel employee looking like Eric is really damn stupid though. Also, was this the second or third time that Cory and Shawn got into a physical fight? I remember the one in Pink Flamingo Kid, and I've got this nagging feeling that there was another one, but I can't think of it.

Thanks for reading, see you Wednesday.

All images used under Fair Use.

Episode 7x06 "They're Killing Us"

Corpanaga are talking to the fourth wall about how difficult it is to plan a wedding, and as usual I am incapable of feeling sorry for them. It looks like we'll be jumping from the pair talking to someone positioned at the camera to normal footage of the show, almost like mockumentary.

The first such jump takes us to The Tnemtrapa where Angela and Rachel are trying on bridesmaid dresses for Topanga. Of course they look absurd, and of course Topanga loves them. Has there ever been a television series involving a wedding that didn't do this kind of thing with bridesmaid dresses? This already feels like a chore. Oh good Morgan's here too, we've got a real recipe for success today ladies and gentlemen.

The next 20 jokes are "Topanga likes them but the others don't." I don't like this, I want Shawn or Eric, not The Angry Morgan Show here.

Back in the mockumentary style, Topanga explains that "every wedding has a theme, Cory," and she wants hers to be a southern belle "Gone With The Wind" style. Where the hell did that come from? In the same way that Cory and Shawn were insane last episode and Eric was a sociopath in "And In Case I Don't See Ya", they're now making Topanga into something completely unrecognizable for the sake of cheap laughs, which are all also similar to making Topanga insane in the first four episodes of the season for the sake of the plot. I don't know why we have to completely destroy her as a character all the time, and obviously I don't enjoy it, but here we are. nonetheless.

I think that picture, uh, that pretty much sums everything right up for us. There you go, review over.

Seems like the goal for this episode is to pick a punchline and then milk it dry for an entire scene. The first one was Topanga's ugly dresses, and now it's Cory's sexual frustration. He and Topanga are discussing the honeymoon at The Union because there's really no other place for that sort of thing. Cory makes big scene about how un-laid he is, and it does work, but only because Ben Savage is hilarious when he's acting angry, something we've noted with consistency throughout the series.

I still can't figure out why they did this. It's obviously not for family-friendliness, I mean they swear relatively frequently and everyone else has had sex, so I just don't get it. Was it just for the jokes? It doesn't even work with her character, she's always been progressive and liberal, it doesn't make sense. I know I'm late to the game in saying that, but damn it's annoying. But they get married in the next episode, so I guess this is the last time.

Okay here's something compelling, Cory has to choose a best man. So is it Shawn or Eric? In The Dorm, Shawn and Cory try to imagine what will happen if Eric is best man, and it ends with Eric burning down the church, and indeed, when it skips to Eric and Cory discussing the same subject, that does in fact end with Eric setting The Dorm on fire. And this really highlights the disappointing change in Eric, since at the end of season 6 HE WAS FEENY'S BEST MAN AND DIDN'T SCREW UP ANYTHING. HE WAS CLOSE TO ADOPTING A CHILD. And now he just casually sets a dorm room on fire? It's not really even that funny. And the real emotion would have come from Cory having to choose between the season 5/6 Eric and Shawn, now there's a decision. Choosing between Shawn and this braindead zombie Eric? I'm not even invested.

Cory's parents are upset that he's chosen Shawn as his best man, and there's like a minute long effort to convince Cory to choose Eric. It's a massive waste of time though, since as soon as Cory calmly agrees to have Eric as his best man (he clearly knows Eric is about to mess something up), braindead zombie Eric lights a sparkler in celebration and then sets the house on fire.

Did you think we would get out of here without the other dress-related trope? Not a chance. Time for Topanga to be unhappy with her own dress. But not just any dress, it was Amy's wedding dress, and it's been in the family "since the Civil War". Outside of budget constraints, I really can't see any reason why anyone would want to wear someone else's wedding dress, but whatever. This stuff is so easy to write. And I know what you're gonna say, I'm being too serious, this episode is supposed to be a fun time, a little fun before the wedding, but it's just not hitting any of the right notes for me.

And what would a wedding preparation episode be without a Professor Umbridge style wedding planner? Yes, how silly, she has a posh accent and she means business. Does anyone like this episode at all? Maybe it's fun if you've had a wedding, and maybe can relate? I don't know.

Apparently Alan hired Feeny and "his jazz group" to play the music at the wedding. Of course Feeny has a jazz group. They meet right after his yoga class, and right before his astronaut training program.

Listen. Okay, listen. There are two things I hate on television, above all others. Weddings and pregnancies. Proposals are a close third. And it's not the ideas I hate, it's the destruction of those otherwise nice ideas for the sake of entertainment. Every storyline boils down to "how much of this situation can we send to shit in 20 minutes of screen time".

Shawn shows up with the other girls, all wearing their ugly dresses from before. He has apparently coached them on pretending to like the dresses, and they all demonstrate their ability to lie to Topanga, whose eye won't stop twitching. Morgan doesn't want to play along though.

Arite. Fine. That's pretty funny. It is odd though. Morgan's always been really sweet to Topanga in the past.

Okay if we're talking about odd, then this is odd. Eric feels cheated by not being chosen as best man, so he decides to be the groom instead. He "confesses" his love for Topanga and tells her to marry him, I'm sure you all have a vivid memory of this scene. Taken alone, it's hilarious, but it's just so ridiculous. It's a shenanigan. Antics. Nothing in this episode makes any sense.

The mockumentary style thing turns out to be Cory and Topanga speaking to the other characters on the show in the Matthews living room. They've decided that all this trouble is a waste of time and that they won't survive an eight-month engagement. BETTER GET MARRIED IN A WEEK. IN THE LIVING ROOM. So there you go, there it is. We see a big title card invitation to the wedding.

 During the credits, they break the fourth wall for real this time to invite the viewer to their wedding, and to RSVP at coryandtopanga.com, which I'm sorry to say doesn't exist anymore. Did any of you see the original run of this show? I'd love to know what was actually on that site.

Well that was terrible. What an absolute waste of time. Not only does the wedding not actually occur in the living room, but all the issues with the dresses that took up so much damn time completely vanish in the next episode. I just checked and nobody mentions Amy's dress again and the bridesmaids' dresses are totally different, also without any mention. So this was a total waste of time, except for moving the wedding up from 8 months to next week. Great.

Plot: 0 - See above.

Character Development: 0 - See above, and the fact that Eric is a braindead zombie.

Humor: Indeterminate - I don't know, you can decide for yourself. I would probably find some of the stuff funny if I weren't so appalled by the rest of it.

Life Lesson: 0 - JUST HAVE IT NEXT WEEK IT'LL BE FINE, DON'T WORRY ABOUT ANYBODY'S AVAILABILITY.

1.0 or less out of 4.0. I can already see the comments about that scene with Eric proposing to Topanga, and yeah if you pull it up on youtube out of the blue it's worth a laugh, but I was just so bored by everything that came before it, I couldn't even enjoy it. I don't know what to say, I wasn't expecting to find such a worthless episode this late in the series. It was almost entirely pointless, predictable, cliche, and worst of all boring. 

I don't think I will ever watch any of these first six episodes again. Thanks for reading, I guess.

All images used under Fair Use.

Episode 7x05 "You Light Up My Union"

This is another one of those non-canon episodes that involves some sort of magic, like the two time travel episodes. The magic in this one reverted Shawn and Cory's brains to those of twelve-year-olds. Now that's not explicit, but I mean, there's really no other explanation for this episode, right?

The girls appear to be having a movie night (the movies all have hilarious titles) at The Tnemtrapa when Cory and Shawn crash the party, leaving Rachel as a third (or fifth) wheel.

And by booty night, he means kissing for a while and then trying not to bump into anything with his erection while he walks home. ...night.

I was about to say we're at The Union, but indeed we are at a thinly disguised Union, masquerading as a full-fledged bookstore. Jack thanks Mister Feeny for getting him the position of manager at this store, since Feeny has somehow amassed that sort of power after working at the university for one year. Feeny explains that, since it's Jack's last year of college, it's good to get some real job experience. It's certainly possible to graduate in three years, but Jack? Hard to believe, but it's a plot device for the end of the series more than anything.

Eric's working here too, as assistant manager, thanks again to Mister Feeny. Jack assumes that Feeny's intention is to have Eric pick up on Jack's by-the-books, no-nonsense workplace tendencies, and we see Eric displaying his easy-going attitude with the customers. So there's more to him than being an idiot right now, but I think this episode will only add to the debate over Season 7 Eric.

Jack gives Eric a purse of money to go deposit at the bank. When Eric arrives, an old man with a monkey on his shoulder catches a glimpse of Eric's money, as well as his nametag, and turns on the sob story. The old man, apparently an organ grinder, needs exactly how much money Eric has to send for monkey-Eric's monkey-girlfriend, since monkey-Eric won't perform without her. And then, of course, Eric gives him the money.

I have a lot to say, and we all know how this ends, but I feel like I should wait until then to actually talk about it. So for now, let's just acknowledge that the organ grinder is heavily portrayed as a con artist and Eric looks like a sucker.

And now there's this.

Cory got a key to the Tnemtrapa from Topanga, so they've come to eat all the food they have. Because of the magic. They would never normally do this, so it must be that off-camera/implied magic. The only redeeming thing about this scene is that Shawn appears to be drinking a blue raspberry Jones soda, which is fucking delicious. So the boys have a list of food they want Rachel to buy/make for them, and they left the list in her underwear drawer, after rummaging through it out of perverted curiosity. Again, off-camera twelve-year-old magic. It has to be.

You all should know by now that I am far from old-fashioned, but absolutely no part of this is okay. Cory has well-established boundary issues, and he's extremely sexually frustrated, but this still isn't remotely close to believable. It's even worse for Shawn, just completely out of character. I can't begin to imagine how this story happened. To clarify, I'm not saying it's unacceptable for television, I'm saying it's total nonsense for these characters. Even Eric never did anything this creepy. Remember at the beginning of season 6 that all of Rachel's stories are founded on the fact that she's good looking? Well.... There you go.

She rightfully loses her shit and kicks them out, but Topanga and Angela have just arrived outside and bring the boys back in to sort things out. Rachel explains all the bull shit they boys did, and the girlfriends don't really care because "look how cute they are when they're guilty." I would have an aneurysm right now if I were Rachel. That's not a bad thing though, we're supposed to be furious. So except for the fact that Shawn and Cory would never do this, the writers have done a good job setting this up. Either way, it sounds like Rachel has a plan.

Meanwhile, Eric tells Jack what he did with the money.

There might be a conversation here about whether this is out of character for Jack, but I don't think so. He was just made the manager of a store and his assistant manager just gave $1700 to an organ grinder. Everyone in the world would react this way. As before, there's a lot to say about Eric here, but let's just leave it all for the end.

Also, apparently it was The Union in the first scene? It was definitely some angle we haven't seen before, I guess there's another cash register over in the book area corner? I don't know, whatever, the point is that Eric is working the register at Brew Lagoon in the next scene, and he's being mean to all the customers, including Feeny and Cory.

It's Jack's turn to go to the bank now. There, he witnesses a loan officer showing leniency to a troubled woman, only to be stomped on by his money-grubbing boss, analogous to Jack stomping on Eric. In one of the most awkward moments in the entire series, Jack butts in to this conversation and tells the loan officer not to "be like me." Look at it, it's overwhelmingly uncomfortable.

I have to keep pausing it after like two seconds, the second-hand awkwardness is crippling me. Jack gives the woman all the money he was going to deposit. I'M STILL PAUSING EVERY COUPLE SECONDS IT HURTS SO MUCH. Okay it's over now.

At The Tnemtrapa, the two couples are making out right next to each other, something I don't think I would ever want to do. Rachel prances out into the living room in some silky purple underwear, turns on some porno jazz on the stereo and starts bopping around while washing dishes. Naturally, Cory and Shawn's eyes are locked on da booty, pissing off Topanga and Angela.

I like this scene for more than just the obvious reason. It's a very well crafted revenge, and the viewer finds pure delight in the rage of Topanga and Angela as their boyfriends oggle another woman.

So the girls scream at their boyfriends and apologize to Rachel. A very satisfying ending, with Topanga and Angela both looking like chumps. And that's only satisfying because the writers made us so furious at them before. I just wish they could have come up with something a little more believable for Shawn and Cory to do. Off-camera magic. Twelve year olds. Etc.

Jack returns to The Union and attempts to resurrect the old Eric. He realizes that he wants to be more like Eric, rather than Eric being more like him, and tells as much to Feeny, who is of course seated nearby instead of teaching classes. Feeny explains that he wanted them both to influence each other, which for some reason wasn't possible with them LIVING together for three years. But ignoring that, I like what Feeny has to say. "It's not enough to leave school and just desire to succeed in this 'cold cruel world'. Because then you simply become a part of it. You must also have the desire to change it." That's some of that real shit, some of that high school Feeny. Wonderful.

Eric hasn't reverted yet, but the organ grinder Chubnomenons his way into The Union and pays Eric back. Apparently an organ grinder can make $1700 in a day and a half, which makes me wonder why I went to college.

Okay, now let's talk. I thoroughly respect and appreciate what they tried to do with Eric's story here. They had a great idea with a great resolution, and I would absolutely adore this episode if the execution weren't so damn stupid. The idea of Eric and Jack learning from each other is awesome! And having Feeny there to put the pieces together is perfect. But an organ grinder? At the bank? And Jack's act of charity is just painful to watch. I mean they're not exactly giving a guy a $20 outside the McDonald's, these are serious amounts of money that don't belong to them. That's not charity, it's basically embezzlement.

So how does this tie in to the Season 7 Eric debate? Well he was definitely an idiot to give $1700 to an organ grinder. But we also got to address his lofty spirit and kind heart, so I'd say this one looks a lot better than the last four as far as Eric is concerned.

Even though the whole point of this was for him to change a little bit.

The credits is just the logo and the music.

Plot: 0.25 - Almost worthless. A terrible shell for a great idea. And I like Rachel's revenge plot, but that one also had a frustrating setup.

Character Development: 0.75 - Jack and Eric both learn from each other (and from Feeny). On the other hand, this really conflicts with the Jack we saw in Santa's Little Helpers. We already know that he's more than capable of charity after that episode.

Humor: 0.5 - There aren't really any stand out moments. Eric was silly sometimes, Cory and Shawn were decent, even though their story was stupid.

Life Lesson: 1.0 - Here's where this episode came through. We haven't had a really solid lesson in a while. I love that Feeny quote I put near the end, really good stuff.

2.5 out of 4.0. The best episode of the first five, but still stuck in a weak story. By the end though, we find ourselves with a smile on our faces, and realize that we've almost entirely forgotten the bullshit that happened with Shawn and Cory.

Thanks for reading, see you Friday.

All images used under Fair Use.

Episode 7x04 "No Such Thing As A Sure Thing"

So check this out. I've spent the last ten or so years thinking that Topanga's "You are you and I am I" thing, a relatively iconic moment in the series, was original. Original in the sense that the writers for the show made it up. But that is not the case. As the wonderful commenter Priscila pointed out on Friday in the comments of that episode, that entire bit is from something called the Gestalt Prayer. Topanga's last line is a slight alteration of the one in the Gestalt Prayer, but still. It's a straight up ripoff. That makes it considerably less meaningful, don't you think? Or did everyone but me already know it was from the Gestalt Prayer? Thanks again for pointing that out, Priscila.

Well I've got some coffee here, let's see if we can do this.

Right away, I hate everything. Shawn and Angela are making out in The Union because Angela has Stockholm Syndrome after the last episode. But they have to yell at each other to talk over the roar of what appears to be a pep rally located in THE FUCKING BOOKSTORE. Better than THE RALLY IN THE CAF. Yeah there's a throwback for ya, who remembers that shit. So protagonist privilege has allowed Rachel to be a cheerleader in this episode, as well as the one shouting at everyone through a megaphone. Jack appears to be a cheerleader now as well, and he's right up there with her.

Oh my god they've got Eric too.

If there isn't a joke about Eric looking up that girl's skirt, I will eat this coffee cup. 

Yup. I'm safe. Come on Boy Meets World. You're s'posed to be better than that. And who the hell let Eric be a cheerleader? There will be multiple cheer-related injuries and deaths this year.

So The Pennbrook penguins are playing against a school whose mascot is The Amish, who have beaten The Penguins 47 years in a row. Indeed, Jack has decided to gamble on this game, and since this isn't Saved By The Bell, Eric doesn't give him a hard time about it. Awesome. Shangela have relocated outside, where they're going to town on each other at the same table where Topanga's studying. Cory arrives and comments that he wants to be like them, what with the tongues and the closed eyes and the hands in various places.

I have two things to say here. First, it's interesting that we've done a 180 from earlier seasons where it was always Shawn wanting to be like Cory and Topanga, and now for the first time we've got Cory on the side of envy. Second, this is better than the last three episodes. Cory cracking jokes about his crummy situation with Topanga is infinitely more enjoyable than the constant drama. There were sections of the Lauren arc where the breakup was handled with some humor, and that was equally relieving.

Cory starts kissing Topanga, which is not cool since she clearly doesn't want him to, so she shoves him to the ground. Everything about the shot makes it look like Topanga is a villain, including her immediately being sorry and asking if he's okay, but I am 100% on her side there. Don't do that shit, Cory.

So the guy in the Penguin costume at the rally was actually a spy for The Amish. Eric chased him off, and now Cory has volunteered to take up the uniform. It feels like it's been an eternity but I'm only at the 4 minute mark.

That right there is Jerry Mungo, the star player on The Penguins, and their only real chance of beating the Amish. But if he doesn't pass Feeny's upcoming history exam, he won't get to play. See also: The plot of every show that's ever been on television. Not to mention when Eric did this with a basketball player back in 3x20. But hey, Rachel's actually participating in something other than being good looking, and she made me laugh. That's new and exciting.

After observing that event with Jerry Mungo, Jack is almost certain the Penguins will lose, so he calls his bookie, someone named Danny who I like to believe is Gambling Dan from early season 6, and bets $1,000 on The Amish. Eric, in a move that I cannot hope to begin to explain, grabs the phone and makes the same bet. The tone has shifted dramatically from the first scene, and now it appears that Jack does have a gambling problem, since his character is boring and there was no other way to include him in the episode. Let's hope things don't get preachy.

Later, Cory walks into The Union holding hands with a girl who thinks he makes a good mascot.

YES PLEASE. It takes a quick kick in the rear from a nearby Shawn for Cory to catch on to the implication there, but once he does, our hero seems interested! Topanga is watching from the complete opposite side of the Union and is magically able to hear what they say. The camera shows her looking about as forlorn as possible while the audience goes "awwwwww." Fuck you, audience.

I HAVE NO SYMPATHY FOR YOU, TOPANGA.

NO SYMPATHY. YOUUUUUUUU CALLED OFF THE WEDDING THAT YOUUUUUU ASKED FOR. YOUUUU BROKE UP WITH HIM FOR THE SECOND TIME. YOUUUU TOOK 5 YEARS OF DATING TO LET YOUR BOYRFIEND SEE YOUR BUTT. 


I am thoroughly enraged by the notion that we are supposed to feel sorry for her right now. Shawn and Angela take a quick break from their makeout marathon so that Angela can have a talk with Topo Gigio. Angela talks way down to Topanga here, as though she weren't completely supporting Topanga's lunacy just a few days ago. She seems to have forgotten that she was knee deep in this nonsense too.

It's unclear if Topanga's changed her mind at this point, I mean it has been 30 whole seconds after months of not wanting to be with Cory, BUT WE ALL KNOW HOW POWERFUL JEALOUSY IS AS A MOTIVATOR. That girl is going to rock. Cory's. world, and now Topanga wants him back. To quote Shawn Hunter in The Eskimo, "I am throwing up. I am throwing up all over you."

Eric rides into The Union on a $5,000 bike because this place has no rules. Apparently he put another $4,000 on The Amish to win, and is pre-emptively spending his winnings. For the sake of the plot, we have to accept that this somehow affects Jack too, unless Eric somehow places a bet in both of their names. So Eric makes his way to Feeny's classroom to make sure there's no way he'll give Mungo a passing grade.

So yeah, you guys were right. Eric's solitary character trait right now is that he's dumb. There is nothing else going on. I still think he's funny, but it's disappointingly shallow.

Well I did not see this coming. Jedediah and Rhiannon are walking up to The Tnemtrapa to tell Topanga to stop being insane, and Jed has decided to tell his daughter that he left Rhiannon for another woman, which Cory learned in 7x02 but kept it secret at Rhiannon's request. By the last remnant of humanity left in the writers, they don't make us watch that conversation. It cuts right to Topanga's reaction, which is to tell her father to get da fuk out, which he does.

Okay so I think this is a total cop-out. We were actually getting somewhere on that "sometimes relationships just don't work anymore" theme, now it's what? Jedediah's just an asshole? Anyway maybe Rhiannnanananoanonnn can talk some sense into her daughter.

Well that was easy. Everybody go home. Except it didn't work since Topanga's about as dense as a neutron star right now. Rhiannon continues to tell her daughter pretty much exactly what we've all been screaming at her this whole time. The final nail in the coffin is that Rhiannon still would have married Jed even if she knew it would end in divorce. Topanga finds that comforting.

Arite let's wrap this up. At The Union we learn that Feeny had a surge of school spirit after talking with Eric and helped Jerry Mungo study for the test. Mungo was barely able to pass, so now Jack and Eric are screwed, and we see them running away from the bookie's thugs. Rachel is still a cheer leader. There wasn't much to hold on to in this episode, so if Rachel being a cheer leader was your favorite plot thread, congratulations, it paid off. Topanga makes up with Cory because he'll forgive her for absolutely anything. 

By the way, Cory isn't the Penguin anymore since he was bad at it, so that hot mascot groupie doesn't want him anymore. She was the only really interesting aspect of this story, so I wanted to mention that.

During the credits is possibly the worst bit in the entire series.

I'm not going to score this episode because my emotions are too confused. The sheer relief of not having to deal with Shangela and Corpanga drama anymore is, at the moment, overpowering my hatred for this little arc. They didn't preach to us about gambling or give us a hotline to call or anything, so I appreciate that. I'm sure Rachel will never be a cheerleader again, and the fact that Jack and Eric owe a combined $6,000 to a bookie is probably going to be swept under the rug.

The best thing to do right now is to just accept that the beginning of this season sucked, and move forward without letting that spoil the rest of the season. Unless the rest of the season sucks too, in which case I'm going to need more coffee.

Anybody else got the hots for Rhiannon?

Thanks for reading, see you Wednesday.

All images used under Fair Use.

Episode 7x03 "Angela's Men"

The three girls are eating or whatever in The Apartment that they bullshitly stole from Jack and Eric in the last two episodes. It's not really "The Apartment" without those two, so I'm not gonna call it that anymore.

Shawn is at the door to continue his pursuit of Angela, and she seems amused but also annoyed by all of this. And of course Cory is there to support his friend, and not, as he points out, to talk to Topanga. Angela shuts the door in Shawn's face, but answers another knock a few seconds later to find someone new.

Well not entirely new, the actor played the philosophy professor in 5x04. Apparently he's here to recruit students for Pennbrook's ROTC program. He shuts the door on the boys, so that's basically a family tradition at this point, then starts prying into his daughter's personal life. Rachel asks about Angela's mother, so now we know that her and Mr. Moore are "no longer together". Riveting stuff here folks, riveting stuff. Rosie the riveting stuff.

We're at some kinda rally for Mr. Moore's ROTC recruitment, and of course it's at The Union. Eric swears his revenge on nearby Topanga for beating him up in the previous episode.

Is this the impossibly dumb Eric you guys don't like? It still seems about normal to me, I think that's funny. I'm glad this discussion about season 7 Eric got started, it adds some actual substance to these awful episodes. More importantly, did you see Feeny's face there?

That's amazing.

All the new ROTC recruits give up pretty quickly, including Jack which doesn't seem right, but it advances the plot so there you go. The one exception is Shawn, who's working pretty hard to impress Master Sergeant Angela's Dad. More like... Waster Sergeant... Cuz he's wastin my time.

Please hold your applause.

Angela wanders in for some reason and scolds Shawn for trying to get to her through her father. She insists that she doesn't love Shawn, and this is where it gets weird. It is obvious right away that Waster Sergeant has decided to believe Shawn's claim that Angela loves him. For no reason in the world he believes this random guy that he just met, even though his own daughter insists the opposite. For all he knows, Shawn is a stalker, it's honestly what he sounds like, saying over and over again that Angela loves him.

While all this is happening, Eric's taken up residence in a nearby trashcan and occasionally waves a white flag of surrender. I'm inventing the Eric-O-Meter to deal with his alleged spiral into idiocy, and it's showing that Eric levels are currently "Normal", no problems yet.

Speaking of stalkers, Eric is now stalking Topanga in Brew Lagoon through various means, as he plots his revenge, and I don't have a problem with this either, I think it's funny. Shawn shows up looking smooth as hell in an army uniform. He claims that he's enlisting. Angela's first reaction is "Did you do this for me?" which is just disgustingly self centered, but apparently Shawn did do it for her, so I guess it's fair. She storms out, proving that she and Shawn really are meant for each other, and Shawn explains to Cory that he has nothing in his life so he might as well join the army. Once again we've completely ignored his road-trip-epiphany that he wants to spend his short time on earth with his friends.

Like... the writers totally shit on Shawn last season, and then at the end he finally said that he was happy with his life, and now he's moping again? I really feel robbed here. Let's just end the show after season 6 when Shawn's happy, Feeny gets married, Eric is about to travel to find himself (another cool thing the writers ignored), and Corpanga aren't gonna get married. It's a great ending, all things considered.

Eric starts telling the Waster Sergeant about his plan to sneak attack Topanga, but then yells out exactly when he plans to get her, defeating the point of a sneak attack.

More like Faster Sergeant... Cuz I wish this episode would end faster.

That one wasn't as good.

He tells Eric to drop and give him twenty, so Eric drops and hands him a 20 dollar bill. Wrapping all of that up, my Eric-O-Meter is dipping into the red a little bit, that was pretty damn stupid. It's a funny line from the Faster Sergeant on the surface, but we all know that Eric isn't even close to a disgrace. We just have to look back at Santa's Little Helpers and the whole Tommy arc to see that Eric has done, by far, the most for humanity out of anyone on the show, except for Feeny. But we do see that side of Eric again later in the season, so it's not completely lost.

Faster Sergeant Moore asks Feeny what he thinks of Shawn, and it's moving to hear what he has to say. "I have seen Shawn overcome every obstacle that life has thrown at him., and grow up to be one of the finest young men that I know." That, of course, instantly brings to mind City Slackers, The Eskimo (two of my all-time favorite episodes), and all the stuff in between. Feeny continues to sing Shawn's praises. I really wasn't expecting to feel this many emotions in this episode. It's nice.

It's finally time for Eric's sneak attack. He's hiding in a giant American Gothic painting, ready to leap out when Topanga walks past.

This is registering way more on the "silly" side of the Eric-O-Meter than the "stupid" side, so there's an A+, I love that bit.

Later, at The... Tnemtrapa... the girls are doing nothing again, because none of them have ever had established hobbies and Rachel isn't actually that close to either of them. Shawn and the Faster Sergeant arrive for one last attempt at not minding their own business.

Get a load of this shit, Sergeant Moore tells Angela "I don't want him anywhere near the army. But I do want him near you." It's just so uncomfortable for me, this guy is trying to convince his daughter to date some guy he met yesterday. Yeah he's got a glowing recommendation from Feeny, but still. It's just weird.

Are you seeing this?! Who is this guy! It's absolutely outrageous. It is an outrage. You do not do this shit to your adult daughter (or son). I can't deal with this.

So we learn that Angela's mother walked out on her family, and now Angela's afraid of doing the same thing to Shawn. So indeed, Topanga has shared this "I = my parents" mentality with poor Angela. Thanks, Rachel, for doing absolutely nothing to help. Bullshit that I couldn't explain if I wanted to happens and now Angela's not afraid anymore, woo hoo, they're back together. She tells Shawn she loves him and it's just uncomfortable for me since her dad verbally beat it out of her. The audience cheers so damn loud when she says it too, ugh, everything is wrong with this scene.

To close out the episode, we see bloopers of another sneak attack from Eric, where he tries to hide in the sofa.

It's pretty damn amazing. I'm really glad they included this in the episode.

Plot: 0.25 - I like Eric's revenge plot.

Character Development: 0.5 - Shangela are back together, but it was so forced that I can't even be slightly happy about it.

Humor: 0.75 - Pretty much just Eric, some Cory too though.

Life Lesson: 0 - Please, please, please do not treat your children like Crapster Sergeant Moore treats Angela.

1.5 out of 4.0. - It is an absolute shitshow except for the fun bits with Eric. But at least the Shawn/Angela conflict is over (again), and I'm pretty sure it's for good this time. That's finally done.

Thanks for reading, see you Monday for the worst Eric-centered episode in the series.

All images used under Fair Use.