Episode 6x08 "You're Married, You're Dead"

I want to say real quick that it's getting harder to respond to all the comments. I love love love the comments, so don't be afraid, and if I don't respond it's definitely not your fault.

"Gambling Dan" and two of his Yes Men are playing Five Card Draw with Shawn in The Dorm. This is a shame, because anyone with the epithet "Gambling" ought to be playing Hold 'Em, like every other sane person on the planet. Shawn loses the hand, but it's clear that a lot of fun is being had without Cory around. He comes home just then, though, surprised to see a poker game in his room.

"The Major" is short for "The Major Wuss". Gambling Dan is not Cory's biggest fan. "He's married. he's dead." And "If there were a Whipped magazine, you would be the centerfold." Shawn is the one telling him all these things secondhand, but the point is, these third-parties do not have a flattering opinion of Cory and his engagement.

Does this stack up with the past? Well... yeah, in the sense that this is exactly the sort of thing we've done before. Sometimes I rejoice when we feel the spirit of season 2, but not like this. This is just doing the exact same thing. Cory's not fun! Shawn hangs out with fun people! Cory will prove that he is fun! Lots of laughs on the way! Apparently Shawn is meeting Gambling Dan at Club Cleavage (pronounced clah-vahj), so Cory decides to go along to do that whole "proving himself" thing that never works out.

At The Apartment, Jack and Eric are trying to sneak past Rachel for no discernible reason. For today's episode, the boys are afraid of her... I don't know, trying to spoil their fun? Judging them? It's very unclear what they're worried about, made worse by the fact that it's bull shit that they made up just for this episode. Jack and Eric are acting like this out of absolutely nowhere. Conveniently, Rachel's writing a term paper about the effect women have on male bonding. She claims she hasn't found a case to observe yet because she's an idiot, but stops being an idiot long enough to realize that she can write about her own effects on Eric and Jack. Not exactly an unbiased study.

At Cleavage, which is essentially Hooters, Cory is his predictably awkward self. Gambling Dan and his yes-man, Louie, are giving Cory a hard time, but Shawn sticks up for him like the awesome friend that he is. Shawn really is an unwaveringly good friend to Cory. Trouble starts when a cute waitress starts doing what cute waitresses do at these types of places, eventually assuming that Cory is there for a bachelor party.

Cory is about to stab his eyes out with a fork to resist temptation, when Shawn tells him to get a grip and suggests he take off his engagement ring. Yeah, Cory wears an engagement ring. Nothing objectively wrong with that, but it bears pointing out. It's particularly interesting since he was the one who did the proposing back in Her Answer, but whatever. So Cory takes his ring off and sets it on the table because he's an idiot. Like when he left his keycard on the table in Prom-ises Prom-ises. HOW CAN WE LEARN SO MUCH EVERY WEEK AND STILL BE SO STUPID. More and more we see just how fucking beautiful that line is. Just having that line in Eric Hollywood makes everything else so much easier to watch. Definitely one of the smartest things they ever did on this show.

Eric and Jack are here too, and Rachel is observing them from the shadows. It's... still not funny. I have nothing positive to say here.

Walking through the hallway outside The Dorm, Cory and Shawn are accosted by Topanga and Angela. Shawn delivers a smooth lie, but Cory spills the beans about Cleavage almost immediately. Shawn's lie was that they went to see "Babe 2: Pig in the City", followed up with "we all know how I feel about little pink pigs." Hopefully that's a callback to his past pig-ownership. Angela gives Shawn the cold shoulder and heads into her room like this is some kinda big fuckin deal, while Topanga takes a more aggressive approach.

Cory makes his case, and Topanga claims she's not mad, and that all that matters is that he's always honest. Which he was. She goes on to say that she trusts him to do whatever he wants, any time. Well great that's perfectly reasonable, good job Topanga, so why did you throw him through a door? It's not okay to throw your boyfriend through doors. It's not polite.

Once Topanga leaves, she is replaced by Gambling Dan and Louie, who have come to invite Cory to their poker game that night since he proved himself at Cleavage, in particular taking off his engagement ring. This of course reminds Cory that he forgot his ring, because he's an idiot. I mean seriously, even directly talking to his fiance didn't remind him? It's just so unbelievably sitcommy, you know? Blech. The only way it could get worse is if there's some zany "it's not what it looks like" mixup later at Cleavage when Cory goes to get his ring back. Oh wait that's exactly what happens.

Like, I don't even have anything to make gifs out of. This sucks.

Topangela are taking showers, talking about how Cleavage is a wretched hive of scum and villainy, and how they're sure Cory won't go there again. Topanga comments "As long as some women choose to wiggle around half-naked, there will be men who go to see them." Two for two on Topanga's rationality and cool-headedness, it's very much appreciated in this nightmare of an episode. Angela insists that you have to come from a broken home and blah blah that whole spiel. Just then another girl comes out of a shower who claims to work at Cleavage, and she says it's really not that bad and offers to take Topanga to prove it. "The girls wear more than you'd see them wear at the beach." Excellent point, girl who works at Cleavage. Our society is so afraid of sexuality, but somehow we still manage to wear almost nothing at the beach. Little Jimmy can't see that girl in her bra on TV! But then you go the beach and it's no big deal? I dunno man. I dunno.

Once again I have nothing to make a gif out of, so here's that girl in a towel.

Jack and Eric's story continues at Cleavage as Rachel observes them some more for her paper. They're controlling all of their impulses and keeping their eyes low, just because Rachel is there with them. Eric claims that he and Jack have learned a new level of maturity since Rachel moved in, and they're reminded of it whenever she's around. It sounds sincere, but... that's gotta be BS right? These guys have only gotten worse since she moved in. Either way, she's satisfied with it, and Eric tells her to leave so they can enjoy "the Tushie Dance".

Cory arrives looking for his ring, and the same waitress from last night pulls out a huge pile of "lost rings" for him to search through, which is actually a hilarious touch. The Tushie Dance begins, which Cory joins in celebration after he finds his ring. Naturally, Topanga finds him in this compromising situation.

I thought about editing Dancing Guy into a gif of the Tushie Dance, but this episode doesn't deserve Dancing Guy.

Let's see if Topanga's cool-headedness can hold up in this heat. Cory is still holding the ring, because he was too stupid to put it on the moment that he found it, so Topanga asks why he's not wearing it, and then takes it and walks out before Cory has a chance to respond. "Because I'm fucking stupid" is the only legitimate answer Cory could have given.

Later, Cory finds his fiance at The Union to work things out. He calmly explains that he got pressured into taking the ring off the night before. Topanga doesn't care what Cory does, but he has to either wear the ring or not, which I think is pretty fair. It's bull shit to flip flop between "hehe look at me I'm engaged" and "ehh I don't want everyone to know I'm engaged" like he did in this episode. He really ought to stick with a side, especially since it was his idea to wear the ring in the first place. So good, Topanga's common sense has prevailed again.

Gambling Dan and Shawn show up inviting Cory to play poker again, and Cory says to save him a seat.

Okay that's actually really sweet. I mean the whole fucking point of marriage is that you love the person and you love spending time with them and Cory shouldn't be acting like it's a fucking prison sentence. So I'm glad he said that. And that's it, that's all there is. Just some jammin' music during the credits.

Plot: 0 - I mean, pff, come on. It was nothing. "Oh two characters are engaged? Better do the easiest story imaginable."

Character Development: 0.75 - Cory remembers why he got engaged in the first place.

Humor: 0.25 - Cory was funny sometimes, but everyone else just completely missed.

Life Lesson: 0 - What.

1.0 out of 4.0. It sucked and I'm glad it's over. Gambling Dan was awesome though. I wanna be Gambling Dan.

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Thanks for reading, see you Monday.

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