Episode 6x09 "Poetic License: An Ode to Holden Caulfield"

HOPEFULLY we can recover after that train wreck from last Friday.

It would seem that Mister Feeny is a professor of English/Lit at the moment, as he reads a poem to class titled "An Unpublished Manuscript for J.D. Salinger." And I'm just gonna completely dodge talking about Catcher in the Rye, let's just leave that alone. Suffice it to say that a comparison of Holden and Shawn would be pretty interesting. I don't know much about poetry, but I think this one's pretty decent. Cory thinks it's stupid, while Topanga and Angela really enjoyed it. The scene ends as we learn that the poem was written by none other than Shawn Hunter. Well it's about time we brought back the Hat of Hobbies. Congratulations on becoming a poet, Shawn.

Feeny asks Shawn if he has any more poems. He says he just "writes stuff down, I've been doing it since I can remember." IS THAT RIGHT. We need look no further than Season 2 Episode 15 for one of his earlier works, titled Welfare, that begins "My uncle Ralph he does not care, 'cause twice a month he gets welfare..."  Shawn even claims that it's some of his best work. I was initially trying to make a joke, but now I've almost convinced myself that this all makes some kind of sense.

There are poetry readings every Friday night at The Union, hosted by Feeny of course, but Shawn doesn't really want to go, feeling like his poems should stay private. Cory's gonna drag him along anyway, though.

It's good to see the other characters call Cory out for being insufferably annoying. It seems like Cory's going to be making terrible rhymes and pretending it's poetry for the entire episode, so yeah, annoying to Shawn AND to the audience. Shawn agrees to go to the poetry reading, just to stop Cory's nagging, but with no guarantee that he'll actually read any of his work.

Let's see what The Apartment has in store for us today. The three roomies are all studying independently in the living room, but each is doing some small tick that's annoying the others. Rachel is twirling her hair, Jack's eating an apple, and Eric keeps clicking his pen. Tensions rise, everyone explodes at each other, and Eric decides to go to the library to study. It's actually kind of funny and it doesn't seem like anyone is in love with Rachel today. It's basically Christmas.

At the library, things aren't really any better... Everyone's really stressed out over upcoming exams and it's bursting out in their behavior. Rachel is about to commit homicide, as is pretty much everyone else here, when Eric takes command of the situation. He explains to everyone that they need to relax and calm down if they want to do well on their exams, and everyone ends up... going to the movies... This is protagonist privilege at its finest. There is no reason in the world for anyone to listen to Eric, it's really kind of stupid to watch. HOWEVER, this is the first time our Apartment friends have had a story that doesn't revolve around Rachel, so I'll take what I can get.

The poetry reading has begun, and Cory has taken the stage. Full of energy, he recites a terrible poem about how great Topanga is. Woulda been funny if the poem turned out to be about Shawn, but oh well. Speaking of, apparently Cory signed Shawn up to read, and now he's got no choice but to take the stage.

Shawn recites the first two lines, "You don't know it, But sometimes..." and can't get the rest of the words out, so he heads for the door. THAT, at least, has not changed. Shawn Hunter will always head for the door. Cory picks up where he left off, finishing the reading. It's a love poem, and there's one line I really like, "and a breath that fills my lungs with the air between two stars", but most of it sounds really... thesaurusy. Where you just pick the longest word that's synonymous with what you're trying to say, and throw it in. Like, most of these words? There's no way Shawn Hunter knows most of these words. Rider Strong wrote both of Shawn's poems in this episode, and you can read them here if you're curious http://boymeetsworld.wikia.com/wiki/Poetic_License:_An_Ode_to_Holden_Caulfield

Angela is in the audience, and I think this is the most famous example of "What the fuck is Angela's hair."

It looks like someone ran over a piece of paper with a lawn mower and the wind blew all the scraps into her hair.

Shawn comes back inside in a huff after Cory finishes the poem, and drags him outside. This is a fantastic scene right here. Shawn is genuinely pissed off at his best friend, and Rider does a perfect job of making is feel his frustration, the same frustration we've been feeling toward Cory whenever he does inconsiderate shit like this. Eventually, Shawn asks Cory what he thinks tonight's poem was about. Cory thinks it was about him, which is cute and funny, but Shawn explains that it was about Angela, who happens to be standing in listening distance. (Which is fucking rude, her and Topanga were eavesdropping on the argument, that's not cool at all.)

So this is fairly compelling, but as always the problem is that the show's numerous past attempts to invest us in the Shangela relationship fell short, not to mention their instantaneous off-camera breakup, so I can't say that I'm feeling everything they want me to here. I can't say I care much at all. Angela's been doing great as her own character lately, and Shawn's way more fun as a serial monogamist, I just have no interest in seeing them back together.

Cory follows Angela back to her room to continue meddling in Shawn's affairs, as if that argument had no effect whatsoever. On the other hand, he is able to provide some helpful and meaningful insight. Angela's upset that Shawn is keeping his feelings secret, angry that he could have feelings for her and still choose not to be with her. Cory explains that perhaps Shawn's poetry is his only way of truly telling her how he feels.

I can't remember any instances of Shawn telling a girl he loves her, so I'm assuming he never has, but now he loves Angela, and that's why we're making such a fuss. That doesn't change the fact that it's strange he would break up with her to see other people.

Either way, when Angela approaches Shawn over in The Union, before she can say anything Shawn explains that he wrote that lovey poem while they were still dating, so there's nothing to feel weird about! Defensively, Angela claims that she's moved on as well. So we're in even more of a pickle with these two than when we started. Aside, the fact that they're sitting in front of a fireplace is just so cheesy, like the scene starts with a closeup of Shawn writing poetry in front of the fire. It's pretty hard to swallow, and this episode was directed by William Russ, so I'm surprised he set up the shot like this.

The sad music plays as it zooms and fades out, then back in on the group of students from the library hanging out in a hallway. By the magic of Hollywood, they were all studying for the exact same exam, Feeny's exam, no less, and they're waiting for him to post scores on the corkboard nearby.

Now Eric, that's not quite true, you learned this method from Feeny! In season 2 episode 23, when you needed to study for the SAT. I wish they would've actually mentioned that at some point.

The students are rightfully pissed off at Eric, but soon change their tone when Feeny posts their grades and almost all of them did really well. Feeny pulls his protege aside and commends his efforts, except for the fact that Eric never actually did the studying part before the relaxing part. So that's a fun little conclusion to by far the best Apartment Crew story so far this season. Some of that classic Idiot Genius Eric.

In The Union, Topanga and Shawn are waiting for Corgela to show up so they can all go to a movie. Topes figures out that Shawn is still in love with Angela, that he wrote that poem only a couple weeks ago, but he makes her pinky-swear not to tell anyone, since he now thinks that Angela has moved on.

During the credits, Cory gives one last poem about Topanga, called Frustration. It is definitely his best work.

Plot: 0.75 - It's hard to say. Their intentions were good, right? It's just that I personally am not as invested in Shawn+Angela as the showrunners want me to be. But it was still interesting, Eric had a fun little side story.

Character Development: 0.75 - Shawn is a poet, I guess, and Eric knows how to motivate students.

Humor: 1.0 - It was decent up until the end, when Cory's poems during the credits bring it home.

Life Lesson: 0 - It's okay to be a big broody baby as long as your best friend is willing to invade your privacy.

2.5 out of 4.0. It's considerably more enjoyable than the previous episode, and at least we got a bit of Eric/Feeny. I don't know enough about poetry to comment directly on the poems, unfortunately. But guess what? It doesn't matter because it will never come up again.

Thanks for reading, see you Wednesday.

All images used under Fair Use.

Episode 6x08 "You're Married, You're Dead"

I want to say real quick that it's getting harder to respond to all the comments. I love love love the comments, so don't be afraid, and if I don't respond it's definitely not your fault.

"Gambling Dan" and two of his Yes Men are playing Five Card Draw with Shawn in The Dorm. This is a shame, because anyone with the epithet "Gambling" ought to be playing Hold 'Em, like every other sane person on the planet. Shawn loses the hand, but it's clear that a lot of fun is being had without Cory around. He comes home just then, though, surprised to see a poker game in his room.

"The Major" is short for "The Major Wuss". Gambling Dan is not Cory's biggest fan. "He's married. he's dead." And "If there were a Whipped magazine, you would be the centerfold." Shawn is the one telling him all these things secondhand, but the point is, these third-parties do not have a flattering opinion of Cory and his engagement.

Does this stack up with the past? Well... yeah, in the sense that this is exactly the sort of thing we've done before. Sometimes I rejoice when we feel the spirit of season 2, but not like this. This is just doing the exact same thing. Cory's not fun! Shawn hangs out with fun people! Cory will prove that he is fun! Lots of laughs on the way! Apparently Shawn is meeting Gambling Dan at Club Cleavage (pronounced clah-vahj), so Cory decides to go along to do that whole "proving himself" thing that never works out.

At The Apartment, Jack and Eric are trying to sneak past Rachel for no discernible reason. For today's episode, the boys are afraid of her... I don't know, trying to spoil their fun? Judging them? It's very unclear what they're worried about, made worse by the fact that it's bull shit that they made up just for this episode. Jack and Eric are acting like this out of absolutely nowhere. Conveniently, Rachel's writing a term paper about the effect women have on male bonding. She claims she hasn't found a case to observe yet because she's an idiot, but stops being an idiot long enough to realize that she can write about her own effects on Eric and Jack. Not exactly an unbiased study.

At Cleavage, which is essentially Hooters, Cory is his predictably awkward self. Gambling Dan and his yes-man, Louie, are giving Cory a hard time, but Shawn sticks up for him like the awesome friend that he is. Shawn really is an unwaveringly good friend to Cory. Trouble starts when a cute waitress starts doing what cute waitresses do at these types of places, eventually assuming that Cory is there for a bachelor party.

Cory is about to stab his eyes out with a fork to resist temptation, when Shawn tells him to get a grip and suggests he take off his engagement ring. Yeah, Cory wears an engagement ring. Nothing objectively wrong with that, but it bears pointing out. It's particularly interesting since he was the one who did the proposing back in Her Answer, but whatever. So Cory takes his ring off and sets it on the table because he's an idiot. Like when he left his keycard on the table in Prom-ises Prom-ises. HOW CAN WE LEARN SO MUCH EVERY WEEK AND STILL BE SO STUPID. More and more we see just how fucking beautiful that line is. Just having that line in Eric Hollywood makes everything else so much easier to watch. Definitely one of the smartest things they ever did on this show.

Eric and Jack are here too, and Rachel is observing them from the shadows. It's... still not funny. I have nothing positive to say here.

Walking through the hallway outside The Dorm, Cory and Shawn are accosted by Topanga and Angela. Shawn delivers a smooth lie, but Cory spills the beans about Cleavage almost immediately. Shawn's lie was that they went to see "Babe 2: Pig in the City", followed up with "we all know how I feel about little pink pigs." Hopefully that's a callback to his past pig-ownership. Angela gives Shawn the cold shoulder and heads into her room like this is some kinda big fuckin deal, while Topanga takes a more aggressive approach.

Cory makes his case, and Topanga claims she's not mad, and that all that matters is that he's always honest. Which he was. She goes on to say that she trusts him to do whatever he wants, any time. Well great that's perfectly reasonable, good job Topanga, so why did you throw him through a door? It's not okay to throw your boyfriend through doors. It's not polite.

Once Topanga leaves, she is replaced by Gambling Dan and Louie, who have come to invite Cory to their poker game that night since he proved himself at Cleavage, in particular taking off his engagement ring. This of course reminds Cory that he forgot his ring, because he's an idiot. I mean seriously, even directly talking to his fiance didn't remind him? It's just so unbelievably sitcommy, you know? Blech. The only way it could get worse is if there's some zany "it's not what it looks like" mixup later at Cleavage when Cory goes to get his ring back. Oh wait that's exactly what happens.

Like, I don't even have anything to make gifs out of. This sucks.

Topangela are taking showers, talking about how Cleavage is a wretched hive of scum and villainy, and how they're sure Cory won't go there again. Topanga comments "As long as some women choose to wiggle around half-naked, there will be men who go to see them." Two for two on Topanga's rationality and cool-headedness, it's very much appreciated in this nightmare of an episode. Angela insists that you have to come from a broken home and blah blah that whole spiel. Just then another girl comes out of a shower who claims to work at Cleavage, and she says it's really not that bad and offers to take Topanga to prove it. "The girls wear more than you'd see them wear at the beach." Excellent point, girl who works at Cleavage. Our society is so afraid of sexuality, but somehow we still manage to wear almost nothing at the beach. Little Jimmy can't see that girl in her bra on TV! But then you go the beach and it's no big deal? I dunno man. I dunno.

Once again I have nothing to make a gif out of, so here's that girl in a towel.

Jack and Eric's story continues at Cleavage as Rachel observes them some more for her paper. They're controlling all of their impulses and keeping their eyes low, just because Rachel is there with them. Eric claims that he and Jack have learned a new level of maturity since Rachel moved in, and they're reminded of it whenever she's around. It sounds sincere, but... that's gotta be BS right? These guys have only gotten worse since she moved in. Either way, she's satisfied with it, and Eric tells her to leave so they can enjoy "the Tushie Dance".

Cory arrives looking for his ring, and the same waitress from last night pulls out a huge pile of "lost rings" for him to search through, which is actually a hilarious touch. The Tushie Dance begins, which Cory joins in celebration after he finds his ring. Naturally, Topanga finds him in this compromising situation.

I thought about editing Dancing Guy into a gif of the Tushie Dance, but this episode doesn't deserve Dancing Guy.

Let's see if Topanga's cool-headedness can hold up in this heat. Cory is still holding the ring, because he was too stupid to put it on the moment that he found it, so Topanga asks why he's not wearing it, and then takes it and walks out before Cory has a chance to respond. "Because I'm fucking stupid" is the only legitimate answer Cory could have given.

Later, Cory finds his fiance at The Union to work things out. He calmly explains that he got pressured into taking the ring off the night before. Topanga doesn't care what Cory does, but he has to either wear the ring or not, which I think is pretty fair. It's bull shit to flip flop between "hehe look at me I'm engaged" and "ehh I don't want everyone to know I'm engaged" like he did in this episode. He really ought to stick with a side, especially since it was his idea to wear the ring in the first place. So good, Topanga's common sense has prevailed again.

Gambling Dan and Shawn show up inviting Cory to play poker again, and Cory says to save him a seat.

Okay that's actually really sweet. I mean the whole fucking point of marriage is that you love the person and you love spending time with them and Cory shouldn't be acting like it's a fucking prison sentence. So I'm glad he said that. And that's it, that's all there is. Just some jammin' music during the credits.

Plot: 0 - I mean, pff, come on. It was nothing. "Oh two characters are engaged? Better do the easiest story imaginable."

Character Development: 0.75 - Cory remembers why he got engaged in the first place.

Humor: 0.25 - Cory was funny sometimes, but everyone else just completely missed.

Life Lesson: 0 - What.

1.0 out of 4.0. It sucked and I'm glad it's over. Gambling Dan was awesome though. I wanna be Gambling Dan.

No badges.

Thanks for reading, see you Monday.

All images used under Fair Use.

Episode 6x07 "Everybody Loves Stuart"

We're in philosophy class, hosted by a teacher named Stuart, played by Fred Savage, star of The Wonder Years. That may be why they used the name of another 90's sitcom, Everybody Loves Raymond, for the title. Stuart has the whole class eagerly participating in a discussion about free will. He's even got Shawn and Cory engaged in a way that Feeny and Turner never could. So right away we're supposed to like this guy, and see that he's everyone's buddy.

Angela gives a disgustingly self-righteous answer about "fate", the smugness is intolerable, but even worse is her hairstyle. Sometimes Angela has these inexplicable wackadoo hairstyles, it's impossible to let them pass without comment.

Class ends, and Stuart hands back everyone's papers. Later, Stuart has apparently followed his students to The Union, where he loses at pool to Angela and has to buy everyone coffee. Topanga helps him carry the coffee while he mentions going over her paper together at some point in the future. It's just more time showing us how comfortable everyone is with him, except for Eric, who insists that Stuart is no good, even though they've never met. Nothing too exciting here, until a well placed Feeny call.

Time skips once again, and we find Stuart knocking on the door to Topanga's dorm room to discuss her paper. He asks Angela if she wants to discuss her paper as well, but she heads out to the Union instead. By all accounts this is a completely innocent situation. Untiiiiiiiiil it's not so innocent.

He's very sly about the whole thing, it all seems very well thought out and planned. Almost certainly not the first time he's done something like this, which is a little frightening. That being said, there's nothing illegal or objectively immoral about a professor-student romance, and they certainly do happen in real life. However, it was made clear in the opening scene that Stuart is very well aware of Topanga's relationship and engagement with Cory. In conclusion, Stuart is a giant scumbag.

The scene is a little awkward to watch, but it finally comes to an end when Cory shows up, causing Stuart to leave and Topanga to tell her boyfriend what happened. We're back at The Union once again, where Cory pulls Stuart outside to talk about what the fuck he was doing last night. Inside, all the other characters are laughing about there "soap opera names", where you take your middle name and the street you grew up on. (Mine would be David Lansdowne, which is... actually pretty good...) Angela has another bizarre hairstyle, and Jack is constantly berating Eric for being a (hilarious) moron. Business as usual.

Well, not quite business as usual, since we're doing an ensemble scene here. The show has been completely divided between The Apartment and everyone else until now, so this ensemble bit is fantastic. Come to think of it, have these characters even been in a scene with Rachel before now? Shawn met her in the first episode, but I can't recall Topanga, Angela, or Cory meeting her before now. That's gotta be wrong, but I can't think of any other times.

Things escalate outside, and Cory pushes Stuart through the door into The Union. Everyone is speechless, except Stuart, who tells Cory that he just got himself kicked out of college. In The Dorm, Amy and Alan arrive to support their son. Cory claims that this is the first time in his life he's hit somebody, which isn't true. He's hit Shawn a few times, and there was that one altercation with his father in Raging Cory.

Alright, time to waste some time. The Apartment Trio are at, you guessed it, The Union, where Eric convinces Rachel to try to seduce Stuart. Jack spends the whole time making his trademark tired-of-this faces and calling Eric a moron. Rachel eventually goes along with the plan, but Stuart turns her down. She gets pretty angry about being rejected, and it's supposed to be funny, but... it isn't.

Topanga is, of course, also at The Union, and demands that Stuart make this all go away.

So that's the revised history Stuart's going to be telling. Topanga is shocked that he would like like that, but she should know all about retcons!

It's time for the hearing. Eric barges in with a suit and briefcase while some dramatic courtroom music is playing from the tape-player in his briefcase. It's hilarious, but because of the music doesn't really translate to a gif.

Okay I don't really know how to review this scene. Stuart makes his case, it's all very clever and smarmy and annoying. It would be pretty convincing if it weren't so obvious that he's a total creep. I like that the writers went to such lengths to give Stuart a compelling case, like him asking Angela to stay with them in their dorm earlier. Feeny is unable to make a convincing case against him, since he never actually broke any real rules. As such, the Dean is forced to suspend Cory, but she can see what's obviously going on here and only suspends Cory for one day. We're left somewhat unsatisfied since Stuart is never officially reprimanded, but at least Cory didn't get expelled.

What the heck are those people in the background doing here? More than that, what's Feeny doing here? He has no real business being here except trying to protect his beloved students. And the biggest takeaway from this scene is that he can't protect them anymore.

Damn, that's some somber realism right there. The episode ends with our four heroes realizing that they aren't, in fact, children anymore.

Plot: 1.0 - A surprisingly adult story without the sunshiney resolution we might expect.

Character Development: 1.0 - Stuart is presented extremely well, and all the other characters adapt in believable ways.

Humor: 0.5 - Most of this episode had a serious tone. Eric was good sometimes, but also pretty bad sometimes.

Life Lesson: 1.0 - This is life. And these things happen. And you're not children anymore.

3.5 out of 4.0. As I was writing this, I was expecting a lower score, but I think that's just because it wasn't very funny. In every other regard, it's actually pretty great. Fred Savage is a good actor who brought us a compelling character with an interesting story and a meaningful conclusion. Rachel was as pointless as ever though. You could have written the exact same episode without her, and just skip that scene where she tries to seduce Stuart. So yeah. Great episode, just not as funny as the other ones this season.

Thanks for reading, see you Friday.

All images used under Fair Use.

Episode 6x06 "Hogs and Kisses"

This episode is so profoundly frustrating that my blood is already boiling. Call me tonight's lobster dinner cuz I am boiling right up.

We've got a filming crew here trying to make a video-tour of Pennbrook, and through the magic of Protagonist Privilege, Cory and Topanga are the hosts for this tour. But Cory sucks. Bad. The good news is that Cory is self-aware enough to realize it. I would have had to kill myself if we were doing the "How do we tell him he sucks, I don't want to hurt his feelings" trope.

Right away I feel a lot more comfortable than in the last episode. Sometimes Cory is insufferable, sometimes he's amazing. Last episode, he was insufferable. Right now, I love him. People usually choose Shawn or Eric as their favorite Boy, but perhaps Cory has the biggest effect on the atmosphere of the show. When he's awesome, we feel awesome, and when he's shit, nothing can save us. And we're about to see the proof of that when this episode goes to hell in the next couple minutes.

Shawn pokes fun at his best friend, and his natural charm is immediately called out by the video's director, who now wants Shawn to replace Cory. And let's be clear about this. Both Shawn and Topanga are hesitant, while Cory insists that Shawn take his place.

We fade over to the filming of the tour's final scene, which ends with a passionate kiss between Shawn and Topanga. Without missing a beat, Cory freaks the fuck out. Later, in The Dorm, Cory is conducting some sort of masochistic ritual by watching the footage of the kiss over and over again, and continuing to freak the fuck out. 

Hey, that's a Streetcar reference. I guess I haven't seen this episode in a long time, I don't remember that. Regardless, Cory's delirium gets him into a shouting match with the guy in the next room over. It made me laugh pretty damn hard, I'm not gonna lie. I've mentioned before that Ben Savage is hysterical when he's acting angry, and this is the perfect example. There's nothing special about the lines either, it's all in the delivery. The other guy turns out to be this giant bodybuilder, which we learn when he breaks down the door to Cory's room.

At The Apartment, it's like, 80% same, 20% kinda new.

Jack doesn't make me laugh very often, but that one got me.

They're still putting on a show for her, but now it's less about getting in her pants and more about not scaring her off. As soon as she leaves they get out some donuts and start burping and taking off their pants and everything. Jack and Eric are convinced that Rachel will want to move out if she sees who they really are. See this seems like something that should have been covered earlier, like right after she moved in. Oh well.

The bodybuilder has now joined Cory in sobbing as they watch the Shawpanga kiss footage together. The joke is that he's gay and is getting a little too close to Cory. They missed an opportunity here, where the bodybuilder could have thought Cory was crying over Shawn, and that would be the avenue to him being gay. That would have worked a lot better.

Topanga finds Shawn at The Union, where he had to sleep on the couch, on account of Cory locking him out of The Dorm. As she wakes him up, he says "No clown, no!" like he's having a nightmare, and I swear Cory said the same thing in a similar situation, but I can't remember which episode. The two of them are then found by Cory, who claims to be over the whole kissing thing, that he is a "happy, healthy Cory."

Another one of those legendary lines. And golly gosh goobers, can you believe that it came from an angry Cory? I'm tellin you guys. Angry Cory. It never disappoints.

Despite the overwhelming resistance of Topanga and Shawn, Cory demands that the two of them go on a date together, and eventually they relent. The episode has become frustrating. It's just... so... stupid... It's soooooooooo stupid. Cory isn't that stupid! "How can we learn so much every week, AND STILL BE SO STUPID?!" One of the main points of the Lauren arc was that you can kiss someone and have it not mean anything, but Cory has conveniently forgotten all about that.

He heads over to Angela's dorm to get her opinion on the Shawn/Topanga dinner date, which, as we now learn, Cory set up and paid for himself.

Angela is, in fact, not an idiot, so she tries to explain to Cory why he is an idiot, but it's no use. Cory is just too stupid. And not even the funny kind of stupid that he was in the first two seasons. He hears Shawpanga returning home from their date, and they're putting on a whole show like they're gonna go make the beast with two backs in The Dorm. Once they're inside, they're reading from scripts and making all these sound effects to really troll the crap out of Cory. It's funny in theory, but since this is Cory's best friend and Cory's fiance, they of all people should know that Cory is fucking stupid, way too stupid to see through an obvious joke like this, they should know that Cory is as dumb as a bag of hammers. But they don't. So Cory walks off upset, before Shawpanga have a chance to say "gotcha!".

Eric and Jack are continuing with their hyper-politeness con during a lovely spaghetti dinner. Rachel calls them out for putting on a show just because she's a woman, but the boys insist that she could never handle the intensity of their slob-ness. Slob-ocity.

Will Friedle, showing up with the perfect delivery.

Rachel decides to prove them wrong by initiating a massive food fight, effectively destroying their entire apartment. Further, she demands that they clean everything up by the time she gets out of the shower. What the fuck is that. What's interesting to think about though, is how exactly you do this kind of scene. Obviously you can't choreograph a food fight, and you only get one take for something like this. I figure they just set the scene up and told them to improvise for a couple minutes, which is pretty awesome to think about. And the actors look like they're having a ton of fun. Is it fun to watch? Yes. Is it a waste of time? Abso-damn-lutely. It seems like the writers were reaaaaally stretching for ANYTHING to fill time in this episode. Start to finish, this Apartment scene clocks in at almost five minutes. We almost NEVER spend that long in a single location.

Cory takes Angela to his room to show her proof of what Topanga and Shawn are doing, but Shawpanga aren't there anymore. So instead they have the exact same conversation they had a few minutes ago. Because Cory is an idiot. Regarding the kiss, "You can't do something like that without feeling anything." Gaaaaaaahhhhh Cory what are you talking abouttttttt. Not only does Cory have the kiss+date with Lauren to refer back to, but also Topanga's kiss+date with that boy band looking guy from the art museum in Starry Night. And also common sense, and the fact that literally everyone else is telling him otherwise. Angela finally saddles up and kisses Cory to prove that he won't feel anything.

And so now Cory's convinced That's pretty much the end, that's it. That was uh... That was it.

During the credits, Jack and Eric literally die waiting for Rachel to get out of the shower. Non-canon, presumably.

Plot: 0 - One of the worst plots ever. I haven't given a zero for plot in a long time, but damn, Cory forcing them to be in the scene together, then forcing them to go on a date, then losing his mind, it was just awful. And you can almost draw a comparison between Topanga telling Cory to go on that second date with Lauren, and Cory telling Shawpanga to go on a date, but it's not really that similar since Shawpanga were never taking the date seriously at any point. And to bring back what I said at the beginning, no matter how everyone else in the episode is doing, nothing could have saved us from the fact that Cory was a train wreck.

Character Development: 1.0 - This one's actually going to Angela. When we first met her, it was annoying how she made Cory and Shawn act, but she herself has been pretty cool for a while. Always keeps her head on straight. And we can see that the "let's be real friends" thing between Cory and Angela from episode 4 is actually happening.

Humor: 1.0 - Angry Cory is hilarious (undapants), and Eric+Jack had some good lines, but mostly just Cory.

Life Lesson: 0 - Don't be as dumb as Cory.. 

2.0 out of 4.0. - Undapants. Cory and Angela are actually being friends like they wanted. The Apartment is stupid, but not as stupid as Cory. Not much else to say. I guess Eric and Jack were the hogs, and the kisses were the kisses.

Thanks for reading, see you Monday. And Happy Halloween!

All images used under Fair Use.

Episode 6x05 "Better Than The Average Cory"

It looks like we're jumping right in to Feeny being a college professor, as we see him leading a group of students around an art museum. Angela and Shawn approach their respective best friends to announce their good news. Shawn got into "the photography program", which, I mean, holy shit, continuity. And Angela got an A on her essay "Maintaining Black Identity While Having Three Very White Friends." And Cory found a penny! But Topanga didn't do a damn thing. Didn't even get a callback to her previous fascination with art. Either way, we see that Shangela are doing a good job of staying friends after breaking up.

Cory gives an interpretation of a painting by "Alexandra Nechita", but it's completely wrong, as is pointed out by the real Alexandra Nechita, a real life child prodigy. I have no idea how she ended up on this show, but I wouldn't even know who she is otherwise. Our hero makes a real jackass out of himself here. It's a bit uncharacteristic, but still funny.

Cory clumsily apologizes, while Feeny begins to drool over the child prodigy. He starts in with a barrage of complicated, artsy fartsy, hoity toity blabbledyblark questions, and she looks none too excited about those topics. I smell a character arc!

While we're on the subject of character arcs, it looks like Cory's going to resurrect his classic inferiority complex. That's been one of the most recurring elements of Cory's character since the very beginning, where he doesn't think he's interesting, or good enough, or what have you, only to be convinced otherwise by the end of the episode, usually because of something Shawn says or does. And we can nitpick, like "Why does he always have this problem if he's fixed it so many times?", but in this particular case, that's a bad argument. How many times have you just had a day where you're like "damn I suck, what am I doing with my life", and then you have to pick yourself back up? Happens to me at least once a week. Everybody's got their ups and downs, Cory's no exception.

Anyway.

Cory mentions that Nechita is the same age as his sister, establishing his inferiority of the day, and Nechita herself overhears. For some reason she sees the prospect of meeting a complete stranger as fuckin CHRISTMAS just because she's the same age and gender. So that's how Alexandra Nechita ends up in Cory Matthews's kitchen. She doesn't even have a chaperon or her parents or anything. Some moron at an art museum has a sister? BETTER SKEDADDLE.

So Morgan and the prodigy hit it off right away, but it's weird since Morgan looks ten years younger. Looks can be deceiving though. The two are actually the same age, both thirteen for this episode, and in fact Lindsay Ridgeway (Morgan) is two months older.

That is mind blowing.

The two girls run off to play Banjo Kazooie in Morgan's room, which is the single greatest way to foster a powerful friendship. (Grant Kirkhope? Are you out there? Do you read my blog, Grant Kirkhope? I love you.)

Meanwhile, at The Apartment, it's more of exactly the same. Eric really needs to go to the bathroom, but he's holding it in, afraid to leave Jack alone with Rachel. This proves to be a somewhat ineffective long-term strategy, as he has to run off immediately after Jack tricks him into drinking some water. The moment Jack gets a chance, it's... business as usual.

Rachel plays it off as a joke, and then starts choking on that hot dog. Unfortunately for Jack, that's not a euphemism.

If I wrote... a list... of the things on television that make me the MOST pissed off... The "It's not what it looks like" gag would be a TOP. FUCKING. CONTENDER. I have the video paused as Rachel's choking, a blind man can see what's about to happen. Jack's gonna do the Heimlich and Eric's gonna walk out and go 'WAHHHAHAGHHRHHAH". I am dreading pressing play again, but here goes nothing.

Being this right isn't as fun as you might think. It was even worse since they started off with the "he doesn't realize she's choking at first" thing. What an annoying waste of time. The only takeaway is that Rachel feels extremely indebted to Jack and Eric is jealous.

Cory is in his room with Shawn, looking over all his lame participation trophies from his childhood and teen years. Okay, see, I thought we were doing "I'm not interesting", which was the reason for that explanation earlier. Now it seems like we're doing "I've never been interesting", which is a little harder to swallow. I mean the guy literally traveled back in time twice, that's gotta be worth something.

Everyone who has ever seen this episode is in love with that moment and wants that poster. That is just genius. Down in the kitchen, it's some shit we don't care about. Amy and Alan ask Morgan if some other girl named Ellouise is the reason she's not going to enter "the talent show at the youth center". Yeah more like EL-LOSER. Apparently SMELLOUISE wins every year, so there's no point in trying,

The parents tell their daughter she doesn't have to compete if she doesn't want to, which is nice of them, but Cory accuses them of "grooming another 8th place honorable mention nothin special *something I can't understand*". He goes on to quite ruthlessly insult his father's inability to raise him beyond normalcy. "I'm average because you're average." Alan looks absolutely heartbroken, and I don't blame him. Cory is a real punk sometimes.

I really hate it when tv shows and movies do this, but now we're just magically out of that awkward or tense situation, as if everyone just walked away. There's a quick group therapy session with our four freshman in Cory's dorm, until Alan arrives to whisk his son off to Learn-A-Lesson Land. But not before we take a trip back to Rachel Land.

Jack finally decides to cash in his favor with Rachel by asking for a PB&J sandwich. Eric realizes that Jack isn't a huge jerk, and that's why he's not using his favor on something that involves genitalia. And that's it, that's their story for this episode. Not interesting or exciting, and it's not even very funny. Besides, I'm sure they'll both be back to preying on Rachel in the next episode anyway. So it's all pointless.

So yeah, learn a lesson land.

Is it supposed to be terrifying? Either way, it's the exact same place where Shawn and Jack reconciled back in 5x02. Shawn and Jack used to live here with Chet before Jack's mom left. You can see the green doorframe that leads to the apartment in both pictures.

You thought I wouldn't notice, didn't you, Michael Jacobs?

YOUUUUUUU THOUGHT I WOULDN'T NOTIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

So why are we here now? That little store in the bottom left of the first picture is the store where Alan's father worked for 40 years, and where Alan himself got his first job.

Alan goes on to explain that he was proud of his father, and respected him, because he did the best that he could. Further, "maybe if my son thinks that 'average' is nothing, then, I've done my job..." And that really is a fantastic line. While he doesn't approve of looking down on "average", he's provided a life for Cory where it's at least possible to do that. And that's beautiful, in a sort of sad way. What's interesting is that Cory's attitude toward being average didn't upset Shawn at all. I'm surprised he didn't have the sort of reaction that we're seeing from Alan.

It's time for that talent show we heard about earlier. HELLOUISE is twirling flaming batons, which is definitely a tough act to follow. Alexandra Necktie is giving Morgan a pep talk backstage, and eventually the singing happens. She's chosen "Wind Beneath My Wings," and she's a decent enough singer. Cory eventually joins in, singing the lyrics at his father as an impulsive apology.

Ben Savage really gives his all here, with hilarious results. But obviously it's supposed to be silly rather than emotional.

We never learn who won the talent show, which is probably the best way to go. Morgan winning would have been disingenuous and Disney-y (Like when Riley won that award on Girl Meets World recently? Holy shit I almost threw up). And Morgan losing would have just been a bad use of time. So anyway, Alan and his fuzzy headed son have one last heart to heart. Cory admits that it was just easy to blame his father, when it's really up to himself to make his own life something to be proud of. Alan explains that that's what life is, is finding your own validation, and some people do find it through their talent.

Good old Alan. I love what they've done here. Instead of going for the "everyone is good at something, you'll find your talent" which just feels straight out of Full House, he's explaining that validation can come from all kinds of places, which in his case was raising a family. Good stuff.

During the credits, Eric pretends to be electrocuted by his toaster to get mouth to mouth from Rachel.

It doesn't work. Real twist, I know.

Plot: 0.25 - Cory whines and complains and is mean to his family. Eric and Jack don't do anything.

Character Development: 1.0 - We delve deeper into the well-developed character of Alan Matthews, and William Russ gives a great performance as always.

Humor: 0.5 - Disappointing is probably the best word. Still funny sometimes, like the celery poster, but the laughs were scarce. This was the least-funny we've seen Eric in a loooooong time.

Life Lesson: 1.0 - "If my son thinks average is nothing, then I guess I did my job", and "Other people find it in other ways."

2.75 out of 4.0. The plot is extremely thin. This isn't what I was hoping for, where Cory tries to make something out of himself, like we saw a lot in season 2. He just bitches about it the entire time, without every actually doing anything. And we know he's capable! He joined the wrestling team, started a school radio show, he was a goddamn TV celebrity in Quiz Show! He is more than capable of being good at things, but he just sat around complaining. And we didn't see any character arc at all from Nechita, she just sort of dropped a trail of plot points, so we could move through the story. And I don't even wanna talk about The Apartment anymore.

On the other hand, Alan kicked some serious ass, and the Lessons were strong. So it's worth watching if that's what you're looking for.

Thanks for reading, see you Friday!

All images used under Fair Use.