Episode 2x13 "Cyrano"

Cyrano is a play about an ugly French soldier named Cyrano who falls in love with a beautiful woman named Roxane. Convinced that she could never love him, he uses his skills as a poet to help his good looking but dim friend win Roxane's affection in his stead. Ultimately, Cyrano receives a fatal injury, and as he is dying Roxane begins to realize that he wrote all of the things that made her swoon, and she confesses her love to him. In his last moments, Cyrano concedes that he has lost all but one important thing - his panache. This play is responsible for introducing the word "panache" into the English language. All in all, it's pretty fantastic.

Mr. Turner recaps the scene where Cyrano helps his buddy get the girl, and queries the students for their opinions. The guys, led by Cory and Shawn, think Cyrano is a big dumb dummy, while the ladies, led by Topanga, think Cyrano's actions are romantic and noble.

Turner with that wisdom, right off the bat. That scene could have been a whole episode. It set the foundation for the plot, had some good jokes, and put out a little social commentary. Great start.

At the Matthews house, Alan is about to take his dear wife Amy to their anniversary dinner, but not before giving her a large gift!

Alan's little jump is adorable. But what the fuck is Amy wearing? Is she going to perform a magic show for their anniversary? Maybe do a tap number? Either way, she's not happy with the gift. She definitely wanted a trash compactor, just not as an anniversary gift. I think that Amy is being a garbage wife right now. She should go in the compactor. Alan clearly put a lot of thought into this, and he's really excited to give it to her. I mean shit, he's not made of money. 

But maybe that's the point: this scene is supposed to tie back in with what Mr. Turner said about men and women having different ideas of what's romantic, and I am a guy after all. Any women out there wanna weigh in? And secondly, where the fuck is YOUR gift to HIM, Amy Matthews? Oh did you not get him anything? Golly, you are an absolute treat. I hope you choke on the dinner your husband is about to buy you.

 At school, Harley and his Michelle-Pfeiffer-in-Grease girlfriend Gloria are having some relationship problems. Shawn and Cory come around the corner because this is the only hallway in the school. The boys compare Harley's hair to the cafeteria's macaroni and cheese, resulting in this classic gif when they realize Harley is within earshot.

Yes, that's The Spectre in the background, with ANOTHER new guy. And a slightly shorter haircut. But she can't hide from me. So Harley wants to beat the flattened collars right off of our heroes, 

but defers the violence to Frankie the Enforcer, who then escorts Shawn and Cory to the cafeteria for their executions. Having picked up on Cory's skills as a wordsmith and Shawn's natural charm and charisma, Frankie offers to let them live another day if they help him "woo" the girl he's fallen in love with. Shawn is unable to understand what "woo" means, and it's actually a lot funnier than it sounds. This all seems a little weird to me. Frankie has always been rather eloquent, and we've seen him write and read poetry. A diet would take him a lot farther than coaching from Shawn and Cory would.

Back at the Matthews house, Amy is still pissy because the writers decided to make her a bad character in this episode. Outside, Alan is trying to figure out why his wife is completely different from how she's been in every episode until now and Feeny offers some insight.

Feeny hasn't given us a whole lot of wisdom since Turner joined the cast, but we got some good stuff there. "Just a million well-intentioned men, backing up." It's a pretty fantastic metaphor.

Frankie arrives with Cory and Shawn, and Eric is frightened at the sight of The Enforcer in his home. This is stupid since Frankie came over in episode 2x10 and Eric didn't bat an eye. I don't think the writers even knew each other existed, let alone communicated.

So it's time for the Davids to coach Goliath.

If that picture doesn't tell you exactly how this scene goes, you definitely have not seen enough sitcoms. Shawn whispers instructions to Frankie, Frankie fumbles trying to follow those instructions, Cory uses a high pitched girly voice, and the audience fucking devours it. Name a show that never did this shtick. Ugh. Well, Frankie decides that after ONE MINUTE of working on this, that he's not going to be able to confess to the girl by himself. Solution? Cory and Shawn hide in Frankie's locker and feed him lines, just like Cyrano hid in the shadows and fed lines to his dumb but handsome friend, who, for some reason, I can only imagine as Zapp Brannigan. So it's not exactly like Cyrano, the good looking guys are helping the yeti here, but you've got to admire the attempt. The endeavor is surprisingly successful, but Cory recognizes the girl's voice.

So that's Frankie's locker now? It was Joey's in 2x01, and from observing the background I'm pretty sure every student at this school has owned that locker at some point. If that stupid statue wasn't there, we could at least pretend it was a different hallway each time. Maybe it's like a communist locker system, I don't know. 

Harley shows up in the only hallway in the school and wonders why Cory and Shawn are still alive. You gotta respect Harley, comin up with these quick, on the spot investigations. The boys claim to be the angels of themselves, having been killed by Frankie, and attempt to float away. It's actually hilarious.

Now that that's a gif I'm seeing how strangely it was shot. Why does it cut twice? The second cut gives us the positioning for their next lines, but the first one just shows us Harley walking. Huh. Harley asks if they've seen Gloria. I really wish he'd followed that up with "I was supposed to meet her here." That would explain what she was doing here in the first place, and it would make Harley's appearance much less of a "pffff, uh huh." Can someone hire me please? 

Shawn accidentally lets on that they have seen Gloria, and Harley intends to learn the details. Back when Shawn and Cory were in the locker, all they heard was Frankie asking Gloria if she wanted to get a burger. Fortunately for our heroes, there's only one burger place in Philadelphia, so they know exactly where to take Harley. Again, this could have been made completely reasonable with a very slight tweaking of one line. 

Maybe they already ate the burgers, and then Frankie ate the plates, too. I mean, who hasn't been there before? Sometimes you just, you go into a frenzy, you know. You just gotta eat, and nothin's gonna stop you. So you eat the plates.

Well Harley's pissed. And he should be! He and Gloria start to fight (verbally). Harley brings up the time he got her tires as a gift, but she says the tires were a stupid gift. This parallels Alan's trash compactor from earlier, prompting Cory to explain that all couples deal with that kind of shit, including his parents. I don't see how this addresses the issue of Gloria being on a date with her boyfriend's lackey, but fine. This gives Harley the idea to do something so ridiculous and absurd that it's actually funny. He goes to Cory's mother for advice.

Amy Matthews has once again demonstrated that she does not understand how clothes work. She explains to Harley that women just want to be appreciated, and meaningful gifts are a way of showing them that they are appreciated. I think that's fucking stupid, but it's just the tip of the bull shit iceberg. 

What what what the WHAT THE FUCK?
Are you FUCKING ME right now Boy Meets World?

JEWELRY?!

FUCKING JEWELRY????

WHATTTTTTTT????!!!!!!!!!!!

I quit.

That was literally the worst ending I've ever seen on this show. No summary, no points. I'm done.

I just... I can't. I'm out. I quit.