Episode 1x01 "Pilot"

*Edit* This review is not representative of the others. The quality improves drastically.

The series opens with some sort of pre-school gathering in the cafeteria and almost immediately we're treated to witty banter between the hero Cory Matthews and his teacher Mr. Feeny, which establishes their archetypes of not-so-serious student and oh-so-serious teacher. Cory sits with his two yet unnamed pals, and as such I will refer to them as Good-Hair and Bad-Hair.

Good-Hair spies Feeny in the company of a blonde female faculty member. They do a slightly-too-long bit wherein they describe how late they stayed up the night before by referencing progressively later segments of a talk-show. Bad-Hair emerges victorious and the title sequence rolls.

Now we're in Feeny's classroom where we see Bad-Hair and a female student acting out the suicide scene from Romeo and Juliet with a plastic dagger, which seems a little heavy for 11 year old students. Cory is listening to the Phillies game via an extremely high tech pocket radio and earbud, and giving the play-by-play to Good-Hair. Shockingly, Cory is caught by Mr. Feeny while a student behind him looks offstage to make eye contact with his mom. "This is my big break", he tells himself.

Cory gets detention. Back at home, we're introduced to the ladies-man incarnation of Cory's older brother Eric. Unfortunately, Eric has decided to take a girl to the next Phillies game instead of Cory. Cory complains to his parents about it, they side with Eric, Cory is sad, and his little sister Morgan "The Punchline Dispenser" Matthews dispenses a punchline. 

We jump ahead to lunch at school the next day where Cory and the two Hairs make some jokes. Cory tries to persuade Feeny to let him out of detention, but Feeny tells him to back that shit up outta here because he wants to have lunch with his booty call (the blonde teacher he ate with previously). 

Later that night, Cory has moved into his treehouse, Morgan "The Punchline Dispenser" Matthews dispenses a punchline, and Cory is privy to Mr. Feeny (who lives next door) eating a dinner for two by himself after receiving a phone call; sad music plays. 

Now Cory is in detention. Cory and Feeny banter. The destructive effects of love presented so far- namely Romeo and Juliet, Eric ditching Cory, and Feeny eating alone- come together as Feeny explains that love isn't actually the pile of bull shit that Cory thinks it is. This lesson might actually be the primary cause of Cory's warped and unhealthy view of love as he gets older. Thanks, Feeny. Side note, that typing diagram on the wall is super badass.

Back at home, Cory reconciles with his parents, Morgan "The Punchline Dispenser" Matthews dispenses a punchline, and then Cory plays video games in a pink three-quarters shirt and boxers. I cannot explain this to you. I do not know why Ben Savage agreed to wear this, I do not know why ABC agreed to air this on television, but it happened and we have to accept it.

Eric laments his awkwardness on the date, Cory explains what he's learned about love, and they're bros again. Cory and Morgan "The Punchline Dispenser" Matthews have imaginary tea together, punchlines are dispensed, and Cory tells his mom that he'll put his little sister to bed. Mrs. Matthews asks her son why he would volunteer to do something that no 11 year old boy has ever done in the history of Western civilization, and he responds with the entire basis of this series. "Because I don't understand anything about my entire life." 

The during-the-credits outro bit starts with Cory and the two Hairs (that needs to be a band name) eavesdropping on Mr. Feeny asking the same blonde teacher from before on a date, to which she readily agrees. Wouldn't you? It turns out that it was Feeny's sister who cancelled dinner with him the other night. The pilot ends with an exchange which presents another important theme of this show. 

"Confused, Mr. Matthews?"

"Yes I am, sir."

"....As it should be."