Episode 7x12 "Family Trees"

Okay here we go, coming in with fresh eyes. I know a lot of people like this one, but there are a few issues we're going to have to address.

It's a family-wide effort to plan for Alan's birthday party, and Eric's in charge. Or so he thinks, anyway. Eric comments that their father is capable of torturing them for information after his time in the Navy, and Cory corrects him by saying he was a cook in the Coast Guard. We know for certain that Alan was in the Navy because of Kid Gloves in season 1, and being a cook would be a little anticlimactic. So I'm just gonna wildly assume that Cory is lying to try to embarrass his brother. The only alternative is that the writers are LITERAL FUCKING IDIOTS, and that just can't possibly be true.

Shawn makes his way onto the scene here in The Living Room with a snail mail letter from his mother Virna, who I think gave her last appearance in Turkey Day. She has apparently run off again since then. Cory is convinced that nothing good can come from reading this letter, but everyone else in the room thinks Shawn should read it.

Equipped with that cartilage piercing that he seems to only wear in seasons 4 and 7, Shawn does indeed the read the letter from Virna, and proceeds to inform everything that Virna is not his biological mother.

Okay, time to stop. Why did this happen? Is there a quota for torturing Shawn that has to be filled every season? Is it purely to achieve the emotional ending? Shawn was finally in a good place, he lost his best friend to Topanga but he still kept his chin up, so we gotta sucker punch him right back to the ground?

So we're three minutes into the episode and we have two things going on: Eric's contribution to the plot is that HE'S DUMB, and this unnecessary Shawn-torture. We've barely started and this episode already feels like a chore.

At The Apartment, Eric details his plan for initiating Alan's surprise party, the core of which involves poisoning Morgan and, if necessary, using pony rides to raise spirits at the party after her untimely demise.

This one goes out to the optimists among us who, like me, originally thought Eric was still believably dumb, that he hadn't changed that much. I think we can all agree that this is the final nail in that coffin. Whether or not this is funny is left up to your personal tastes, but there's no denying that Will Friedle's delivery is as perfect as ever. Long-time Comment-contributor Christian expressed disapproval with this bit, saying "this isn't fucking Family Guy." I like the comparison, this definitely smells like an "everyone hates Meg" type gag, but there was that time Cory pushed Morgan out into traffic in her miniature car. Whatever, the point is, Eric has gone way way way off the deep end.

Over in the kitchen area, Team Shawn is using that wild and wonderful internet contraption to look up Shawn's ancestry. He's got some colorful ancestors, and somehow they discover three candidates for Shawn's biological mother: Virna, who wrote him the letter stating otherwise, so she's out, Ming-Hwa, whom Shawn rules out for obvious reasons, and finally Elaine, who was apparently last spotted in Boston. Amazing thing, that internet. I like to think that Chet just kept some sort of blog where he detailed all his sexual exploits, and that's where they're getting this information.

I mean Jack's pretty excited about it there, so yeah we're talkin about pretty impressive stuff here.

Speaking of Jack, he's feeling snubbed about this whole ordeal, since he is legitimately blood related to Shawn while Shawn keeps going on about how he has no family. Shawn dismisses Jack as his "half brother," which is frustrating. Anyway they're ready to send Elaine's information to some sort of investigation agency and Shawn says he wants to go through with it. Jack asks him if it's his "final answer," which brings to mind Eric's South Park references. Funnier at the time.

X days in the future, we find Eric helping Rachel rehearse her nonsense role in Alan's surprise party, and she makes it very clear to the viewer that Eric is dumb. Shawn shows up now with the results of the investigation, but everything turned up empty. They've got no way in the world to find this Elaine person and Shawn is clearly affected by it, despite his characteristic claims to the contrary.

What I like most about this is that everyone else knows it's characteristic. Cory knew from the start that this would end badly, and now the rest of the gang are seeing how true that was. It almost seems like a conflict in the writing for this episode. Michael Jacobs wanted this story to happen, but whoever wrote the actual script came at it with the attitude of "We're doing this story again?!" That idea is further supported by the fact this episode's writer is Matthew Nelson, who's been writing for the show since season 2, and, interestingly enough, wrote Fishing For Virna, the other episode where Shawn tries to hunt down his mother. How bout that shit?

Also, Fred Savage directed this episode, if you care about that sort of thing. I wish I knew more about directing so I could talk about the different choices they make, especially on the episodes directed by William Russ. Alas, they all look the same to me. Russ has two more episodes left, so we'll see if we can pick up on his nuances.

At home we find Eric spilling the beans about his surprise party for tomorrow, but Alan's upset since his birthday is today. But then everyone else bursts in to surprise him, revealing that they used Eric as a decoy (without his knowledge).

Well there you go. I've said it a hundred times and now Eric himself is saying it.

Shawn waltzes into the party and everyone immediately picks up on the fact that he's drunk. He must smell like alcohol because it is not obvious to me at all. He seems perfectly fine. Shawn starts raving about how he doesn't have any parents, and then chastises himself with one of my favorite Shawn lines.

 Whether it's economical or emotional, Shawn has always hated showing vulnerability. He always puts up his strong front like nothing's wrong, and now that he has an open display of weakness we get to see firsthand his rampaging internal struggle. This has been going on in his head for the whole series. A lot of bad shit has happened to Shawn and he hates himself for letting it get to him. Powerful stuff. Alan offers to adopt Shawn so that he can have parents again, but as we all know, the only thing Shawn hates more than showing weakness is being given pity or charity. Even though this offer is coming from a loving place, Shawn can't see it as anything other than pity/charity and makes a Big Shawn Exit. Shawn doesn't actually say anything about pity or charity, in fact he doesn't say anything at all, but Matthew Nelson has been with the show long enough to know his shit, so I'm confident that my interpretation is correct.

We find Shawn strolling the streets of Philly, and apparently it's Christmas time. This is our Christmas-time episode for the season. Shawn gives some money to a salvation army Santa, who he initially mistakes for Cory. I could spend an hour talking about the symbolism of Shawn donating money to charity, but it probably wasn't intended that way, so let's just keep going.

It's a lovely sentiment that carries a lot of what we love about their relationship. It also instantly reminds us why they're the best on the show. When they try to do something like this with Corpanga, it never even comes close to being this good. Or even, God forbid, if Angela had tried to come talk to Shawn.

Unfortunately, that sentiment is lost relatively quickly as Cory instantly dismisses Shawn's idea to go to Chet's grave. Like, I thought this was a moment of ultimate impenetrable friendship and Cory's just like "nah I don't wanna go." So now Shawn's at the cemetery where he quickly finds Chet's ghost, and the two have a conversation about things.

This may be a massively unpopular opinion, but I don't like this scene. You know what I do like? The hospital scene with Chet and Shawn right before Chet died. And the ghost moment when Shawn goes on his road trip. That was the perfect setup, the perfect way to close out Chet's character. But now oh, here he is, just because, for a free plot device to give Shawn the answers he needs. It really takes away a lot of the impact of Chet's death. The whole reason his death hit so hard is because these two had so much left unsaid, so much to help each other through, but now... here he is, free of charge.

The scene ends with the two Hunter men finding some closure with one another. But the reason that We'll Have A Good Time Then was so amazing was exactly because they didn't have this Disney ending. That's also what made Shawn's road trip meaningful. This scene put a pretty pink bow on Shawn's relationship with his dad, and I am steadfast in the opinion that it was better without the bow. To be fair, the writing is good, it's not the cheese fest you might expect, and it is touching, I just think we were in a more interesting and compelling place before this.

Cory shows up to pay his respects, which is sweet, and the two head back to Alan's party.

Shawn declines Alan's adoption offer, saying he's got to do some repair work on the Hunter clan. I would have stopped watching the show forever if he accepted. Shawn apologizes for his earlier behavior and hands a wrapped gift to Alan. We see that it's one of those handprint things that kids give their parents.

An extremely touching moment that Eric sort of ruins with his nonsense. You couldn't put Eric on pause for ten fuckin seconds? Seriously?

Shawn asks Alan to scold him for getting drunk the way that he would scold Eric or Cory. This is one of those cases of content vs. spirit. It's really special what they tried to do here, but it ends up feeling really awkward for me watching Shawn get lectured in front of an audience of his friends. Angela joins in and it's just a whole... blech. So yeah, the spirit of this scene gets an A, but the actual content is not my favorite. The last exchange is good though.

William Russ really is fantastic.

Plot: 0.5 - It was enjoyable, but again, the greatest fault here is that it's completely unnecessary. The Shawn/Chet thing was in a perfect place, and we really didn't need this out-of-the-blue Shawn torture. The setup was BEYOND random.

Character Development: 1.0 - The Shawn/Chet ending didn't do much for me, but Shawn/Alan gets top marks.

Humor: 0.25 - Eric was written in the worst possible way this episode.

Life Lesson: 0.75 - Yes, I get it Boy Meets World, "you don't have to be blood to be family". You have made it clear many times now.

2.5 out of 4.0. 

I think I've said everything I want to say. The navy/coast guard thing was pretty infuriating. I may not have emphasized that enough. Fuck that.

Apparently Ben Savage was on Criminal Minds. That's a good show, I'll have to check that out.

Thanks for reading, see you Wednesday.

All images used under Fair Use.

Woops

Sorry everybody. I started writing 7x12, but I'm just not gonna be able to finish it.

I'll be back on the 2nd, and it looks like we'll close things out the week of the 26th. See you then!

Episode 7x11 "What a Drag!"

Don't worry, there's actually a worthwhile analysis at the end.

Crazy Luther is breaking into The Union.

No Eric, not that Crazy Luther. This one is crazy enough to think this tiny ass building is suitable for the rave he's throwing tonight. Jack and Eric call the cops, but, according to Jack, they do so "before he could do anything illegal." This is the worst instance of thinly veiled exposition that we've seen in a long time. Two cops are just standing there holding Luther by the shoulders while Eric and Jack explain twenty years of events to each other and the viewer. It's a really terrible shot to kick off a terrible episode. We'll just forget about the whole trespassing and breaking+entering, so the cops leave and Crazy Luther vows to kill Eric and Jack at some point in the future.

You know those movies that have like, a dog playing sports or something? If you don't think that a dog playing sports is entertaining, then you're doomed from the start because every joke branches off of that characteristic. This episode is a lot like that. If you don't think that Eric in drag doing a French girly voice is entertaining, then you're dead in the water.

I am dead in the water.

Shawn lends his expertise to Eric's plight, yet he does so without ever mentioning Chick Like Me. We've seen proof that there's no rule against making callbacks to earlier episodes, but, like last episode, Shawn is giving experienced advice without anyone commenting on his experience. In fact, Cory calls back Chick Like Me in 5x22. It's like the new writers never even watched the show.

At The Dorm, Topanga discovers that her husband has painted every wall except the fourth with road-stripe-yellow paint as she walks in the door.

I think Topanga borrowed Jack's "manly step-ups" from 6x19.

Well that's fantastic, we're playing the "I hate it but I can't tell him I hate it" game. How many times has Topanga jumped down Cory's throat about being open and honest?

While I was getting that I noticed that Ben Sandwich and Schneider just trade clothes when the director tells them to get into costume. Never caught that before.

So Jack and Eric go down to The Union as Lala and Chantal, respectively, for reasons that I cannot begin to imagine. Are they risking their lives and massive embarrassment just to go get a coffee? Either way, Crazy Luther is there and he tries to hit on Jack, but Monsieur Feeny swoops in to have a word with the boys. He says Eric looks like a bison, which is true, and comments that he has DD fake breasts, "just like your grades." I don't think anyone has ever made that joke before. It's just too clever.

 The punchline for about another minute is "Eric is doing a french accent as a girl," like I was saying before about dogs and sports. Crazy Luther keeps trying to flirt with Jack/Lala.

Topanga is also here at The Union, and Cory runs up to her with all his recent purchases at Cork World. It's funny but not funny enough to redeem anything, and then our boy runs off to Thumbtack City.

Crazy Luther won't take no for an answer, so it looks like Jack's going on a date. This is a good time to stop and reflect. Crazy Luther is treating Jack almost exactly like Gary treated Shawn in Chick Like Me, except this time instead of making an important point it's just for cheap laughs. That's season 7 in a nutshell right there.

Now here's something you won't believe.

Eric cries to Topanga that he's ugly, although she doesn't know it's Eric. They talk about husbands, and SOMEHOW SOMEWAY IN A FARAWAY BIZARRO UNIVERSE, Eric gives Topanga advice about how to handle the situation with Cory. She needs Eric to tell her to just be honest with Cory? What the hell show am I watching?

The punchline in this scene is that Eric is pretending to be a girl and it lasts about six times longer than it needs to. There's a stupidly long dialogue between Jack and Crazy Luther in The Union but I was looking at reddit instead of paying attention. Eric has just run over with a camera though, so it looks like they're going to pull the old gay-photo-blackmail-switcheroo.

Oh and in case you forgot, Eric is dressed like a girl.

I'm sorry Dancing Guy, you deserve better than that.

Topanga prepares to tell Cory that she doesn't like yellow or cork, but when she enters The Dorm we see a much nicer looking place than any of us could have expected. Especially since you've got to be kidding me that he did all this in one day.

At The Union, Jack is overcompensating for dressing like normal again, while Eric wants to be Chantal for a bit longer. Oh wow it's over, doesn't even have a scene during the credits. Yup, I checked, this is the second shortest episode in the series at 19:41. I've never actually looked at this before, so let's do a little length analysis just to add some actual substance to this review.

=========================================================================

Season 1 episodes are all over 22 minutes, fourteen of which are over 23. The longest of the season, and of the whole series, is episode 3, Father Knows Less, at 23:16. And that episode is fantastic. The shortest is episode 2 at 22:22.

Season 2 episodes are all over 22 minutes, with only the season premiere over 23 at 23:01. The shortest is the finale at 22:03.

Season 3 has no episodes over 23 minutes, and has two which dip down into the 21:xx range. The longest episode, the season premiere, is 22:31, and the shortest, episode 12, is 21:15.

Season 4 episodes are all under 22 minutes, the longest (episode 4) at 21:59, with Singled Out dipping under 21 at 20:30. Chris Hardwick is expensive, yo.

Season 5 episodes are all under 22 minutes. The longest is the season finale at 21:44, and the shortest is Eric Hollywood at 20:27. If any of the short episodes deserved more time, it was that one.

Season 6 ties with season 5 for longest, with Road Trip at 21:44, and has the shortest episode of the series, You're Married You're Dead, at 19:37. I think we all remember what a pile of garbage that one was.

Season 7 has overall better duration than 6, with the longest (excluding the 2-part finale) at 21:52, which unfortunately was the previous episode, Pickett Fences, and of course this episode is the shortest of the season at 19:41.

So there's a general trend of decreasing in length, but was that all a waste of time? My first thought was yes, because of differing theme-song lengths, and the fact that a scene-during-the-credits may be shorter than the credits over the logo while still providing more time of actual content. However, without addressing those concerns, there is one surefire conclusion. Seasons 6 and 7 have theme songs of the same length, and both You're Married You're Dead and this episode had credits-over-the-logo, so indeed YMYD has less content than this episode.

Now, let's factor in theme-song length.
Season 1: 58 seconds
Season 2: 7 seconds
Season 3: 10 seconds
Season 4: 21 seconds
Seasons 5,6, and 7: 22 seconds

It's hard to account for the ones with credits-over-the-logo, but we're looking for general trends, and most episodes have content during the credits, I don't think we even saw the logo credits until like season 5, so let's just chalk that up to acceptable error.

TL;DR after subtracting off the theme-song length, we end up with the following durations for shortest and longest episodes, with the episode number in parentheses.

Season 1: 22:18 (3), 21:24 (2)
Season 2: 22:54 (1), 21:56 (23)
Season 3: 22:21 (1), 21:05 (12)
Season 4: 21:38 (4), 20:09 (7)
Season 5: 21:22 (24), 20:05 (19)
Season 6: 21:22 (15), 19:15 (8)
Season 7: 21:30 (10), 19:19 (11)

So in fact the premiere of season 2 wins a LANDSLIDE victory as the episode with the most content (and it does have a scene during the credits). We see an overall increase in content from season 1 to 2, and then a steady decrease after that. Cool stuff.

=======================================================================

I guess I still have to score this episode.

Plot: 0 - Pitiful, awful, I would rather watch Chick Like Me ten times out of ten. How did they take the same story and do it so perfectly one time, and so god awful wrong the second time? The guy who wrote Chick Like Me also wrote Security Guy, so hi five for him, and the guy who wrote this one only did two other episodes: The Psychotic Episode, which sucked, and episode 21 of this season, which I believe also sucks.

Character Development: 0 - Nothing remotely close to development occurred.

Humor: 0.25 - I enjoyed Cory's enthusiasm about Cork World. But as for Eric... How did it get this bad? "My hosiery is bunching" from Chick Like Me is funnier than every joke in this episode combined. 

Life Lesson: 0 - Sometimes, not even Eric can save you.

0.25 out of 4.0. I think this is the lowest score I've ever given. No Guts No Cory got a 0.5. Episode 20 of this season might be able to pull off that perfect 0 though. Keep hope alive.

Thanks for reading, see you tomorrow.

All images used under Fair Use.

Episode 7x10 "Pickett Fences"

Oh thank goodness, we're still not at the crossdressing episode yet.

Let's start calling it The Apartment again, since Shawn is living here again. He's discussing "the kids" with Angela, and how they haven't had a moment alone since "the kids" got here. Cory and Topanga emerge from the bedroom area in large pajamas acting like children. So that's the joke here, and boy do they make sure we know it.

Me too, Shawnie Shawn. I think it's time for a moment of self reflection. Have I become jaded? Has reviewed this show three times a week broken my soul and destroyed my ability to enjoy the shenanigans of these characters? It certainly seems like it at times, but I know for a fact that I could put on any episode from seasons 2-5 and have a good time. But this is just stupid. Is it intentional? Is the goal to make me hate Cory and Topanga? Why?

Fortunately Angela shares Shawn's eagerness to get rid of the most annoying newlyweds on television. And the two are both pretty funny in their derision of Cory and Topanga. Eventually they got forced out the door, and it's unclear where they wander off to in their pajamas. At The Union the next day, Rachel tells Angela (woah this is rare, when are these two ever alone together?) that she's going to become a dorm RA so as not to interfere with Angela's relationship with Shawn. But interfering with Cory and Topanga is fine, obviously, since she kicked them out just last episode.

Shawn comes in with a gigantic St Bernard that he apparently has bought for him and Angela. I don't think we ever see it again after this episode. Over at Brew Lagoon, there's a slight shift in management.

Her dad is the chancellor of the univeristy, and she admits that this is blatant nepotism, but tough tuchus. Braindead Zombie Eric is here today, and he has no problem being dominated by this girl. It's Desiree times a million, and at least with Desiree he was capable of feeling shame. And he was actually dating Desiree. So as usual, Braindead Zombie Eric is funny but completely one-dimensional and predictable. Oh and she's played by Nicole Eggert who was on Charles in Charge, but I only know that because Family Guy made a joke about it. She was also a recurring character on BAYWATCH. THERE'S A SURPRISE. And she did some voice acting for "The Dog Who Saved Easter" in 2014, widely regarded as the Citizen Kane of our time.

Jack isn't going to put up with her bullshit though and vows to protect Eric from her. It's an interesting gesture, because on one hand I really like what it says about Jack, but on the other it reminds us that Eric is a weak willed sod who has basically enslaved himself to this girl 10 seconds after meeting her. After everything Eric went through in the first six seasons, he should be able to handle this girl all on his own. It's the same thing I (and commenters) have been saying for a while. His entire character has been sacrificed for humor.

In another attempt to convince us that dorm contracts don't exist, Cory and Topanga are shopping around for a new home. they find one they really love that they can't possibly afford (as indicated by Topanga). Some woman who gets applause from the audience is the realtor but I don't recognize her.

Said the woman who just a few hours ago screamed for spaghetti in her full body pajamas.

This actress is Jo Anne Worley, most known as a performer on something called Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In from 1968-1970. She was Belle's big wardrobe in Beauty and the Beast, and even brought that voice back for the Kingdom Hearts games, so she's definitely got my approval. Apparently there's a way for them to pay off this house over 30 years if they can get two parents to cosign the loan or whatever. Alan rightfully refuses since he doesn't want to lose his own house when Cory inevitably misses a payment. It plays out a lot like the scene with Cory and Alan from the last episode, with Amy more willing to support her husband's side this time. Like last time, I appreciate the spirit of the scene. Cory wants his parents to save him, Alan knows that married adult Cory has to stand on his own.

It may seem like Alan's being unnecessarily harsh, but it's not like the kids are living in the streets. They've got a place to live.

Shangela are visiting the Looks-Like-It-Was-Once-On-Fire couples dorm of their friends, and Shawn brings the smackdown onto Cory.

This scene is awesome. This is the guy who grew up in a dirt poor trailer park eating fish cooked on the engine of his dad's car. And now his upper middle class friend won't stop bitching about this place he's made no effort to improve. Damn right he's pissed! Shawn is the perfect guy to set Cory straight on this matter. On the other hand, I can't shake this nagging feeling that the writers didn't really intend all of that since no one ever mentions the fact that Shawn lives in worse conditions for most of his life. I wish Shawn (or anyone else, for that matter) had brought that up explicitly. Also there's a box from Popeye's on top of the fridge here, just like at The Apartment.

It seems that Cory doesn't listen to Shawn, so he and Angela hit the road. At The Union, it's more of the same. Eric likes the attractive mean boss lady (her name is Bridgett by the way), Jack tries to convince him not to. That's the whole scene. And Jack ends up getting fired for insubordination.

Cory makes an attempt at fixing the sink, but wins up engaged in a game of Swamp Thing, a sort of goofy little sex game. It's endearing, and shows us that they might finally be getting more comfortable here. The random baby-carrying woman from last episode shows up again with her baby, complaining that it never stops crying and yada yada. Topanga offers to watch the baby so Random Baby Carrier Woman can get some sleep. I'm not sure what the point is. Is it that they're making friends here? That they're becoming more attached to this place via attachment to their neighbor? Something like that.

Cory uses The Power of Love and Hollywood™ to fix the sink.

It's dumb and not believable, but it works as a symbol that Cory is finally willing to invest some time into making his new home look nice. So there's the progress.

At The Apartment we get a TOTALLY INCOMPREHENSIBLE SCENE with Shawn and Angela. Shawn doesn't think they've earned their nice apartment, and therefore they don't deserve to live there, and what the fuck is he even talking about. It's an apartment. You earn it by paying rent. And also he's jealous of Cory's shitty dorm, but he also wants to hold on to the nice things that he has, except not the apartment, I don't get it. It's a jumble of attempts at being emotional and none of it really breaks through to me.

That's the dog.

At the Matthews house, it's time for one last confrontation between Cory and his parents. He explains his new sense of independence and his motivation to spruce up The Dorm. Doesn't seem like he ever tells Shawn or apologizes to him for being a total ass, but whatever. Cory's parents are proud of him, and hey, so am I.

During the credits, we learn that Angela is out of The Apartment and Jack and Eric are moving back in. That's highly exciting for me, but I don't get how it happened. Was Angela moving out implicit in that last scene with Shawn? That whole thing is just a void to me. Anyway, it looks like she's going to be rooming with Rachel now. The Apartment will now be called THE APARTMENT since the original 3 are all back. At THE APARTMENT, the dog licks Eric's face and, despite what the audience may think, it's not funny. Glad our boys are back home, though. Real glad.


You know that Green Day song Welcome to Paradise? That song always makes me think of this stupid little dorm arc. It's pretty much exactly what that song is about.

Plot: 0.25 - It's just a continuation from last time. Cory and Topanga whine until they have a very abrupt change of heart. Jack and Eric have a dominatrix as a boss.

Character Development: 1.0 - Cory and Topanga claim their independence, but I don't honestly care that much. The point is coming from Shawn. Shawn's low class status was integral to his character for the first five seasons, but as soon as he went to college it just sort of disappeared. It did make a one-episode return when Chet died, but still, it's gone largely without mention for a while. But in this episode it was relevant in a big way, or at least, in my head it was. Nobody ever mentions his poverty, so there's a real chance that the writers didn't have that in mind. Who knows.

Humor: 0.5 - Eric was pretty un-funny. Guaranteed that someone disagrees and loves this Eric, but it just doesn't work for me.

Life Lesson: 1.0 - Independence or whatever.

2.75 out of 4.0. Aside from my perception of that scene with Shawn, the only interesting thing about this episode is that Rachel and Angela appeared alone in a scene together. Rachgela is definitely new. Next episode is gonna be a real chore, not looking forward to it.

Thanks for reading, see you Wednesday.

All images used under Fair Use.

Vacation

This week's posts are going to be Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. Next week I'll be skiing up north, which very nicely coincided with the middle of the season. After that, it'll be the normal schedule until we finish this bad boy up.

Episode 7x09 "The Honeymoon Is Over"

Cory and Topanga show up at the Tnemtrapa where they expect to be greeted by a "Welcome Home Salami." The "salami" part isn't what confuses Rachel and Angela, but rather the "home" part. ONCE AGAIN, Rachel has given away a room at this place without consulting the person who owned it. Holy shit what the shit Rachel. Seriously.

Everybody stop what you're doing.

Listen to me. What the fuck, Rachel. Fool me once, shame on me. Give away an occupied apartment room twice, what the fuck Rachel. It's unbelievable.

So yeah Shawn moved in here, and Cory and Topanga are pretty upset that they have nowhere to live now. There was clearly a breakdown of communication by all parties, not just Rachel, but I still find myself feeling bad for the newlyweds.

In a complete disregard for how dorm assignments work, the couple believe that they can still live in Cory's old dorm. Not so.

Ahhhhhhhhhhh there we go! This is great, this is the Jack/Eric dynamic I've wanted to see again. I think the paradigm example of this relationship is in First Girlfriends Club. That episode is bogus, but it has the perfect version of the Jack/Eric dynamic. It's doubly reminiscent of that episode since the boys are now quickly joined by three attractive women. That was nice. That was a nice scene that gives me some comforting false hope for this season.

That piece of paper in the gif explains that married couples can only live in a married-couples-dorm, so Jack and Eric have taken command of this one.

Next stop is home, but Alan is adamant that Cory can't stay with them now that he's married. Alamant... Alanmant... There's another scene with Alan at the end, so we'll talk more about him when we get there.

Amy asks her son how he could just not prepare for this situation at all, and his response is bullshit because Amy is completely right. Cory's taking the mantle of responsibility, but Topanga utterly failed to prepare as well, so she's equally (and uncharacteristically) to blame. Now that I think about it, it's genuinely surprising that Topanga could let this happen. Keep that in mind though, because I have a theory about it that's gonna come up later.

Later, at The Union, our heroes learn from Angela and Shawn that, due to a homicide, a couples' dorm is now available for them to live in. I'm not a fan of them lucksacking into having a place to live, but fine. What's more interesting is the way the couples' dorms are presented. Look at this hallway.

There's no reason in the universe that these hallways would be so awful looking, especially this palette of There-Was-A-Fire-Here Brown. Inside the rooms, sure, but come on. And there's the sad guitar music playing. It's a full force attempt at making us feel bad about this place, but it's so overbearing that it ends up being silly. Like it feels like an after school special, like a police officer is about to tell me not to do drugs.

And there's a toddler standing out here in the hall, played by Michael Jacobs's kid in a sweeping display of either nepotism or budgetary constraints. Or both. He informs Corpanga that he sees dead people, which was probably funny back then, like Eric quoting South Park.

The inside of the dorm is comically bad, just like the hallway. I'm going to be calling this The Dorm from now on, even though it's not much of a dorm at all, it's more of an apartment. They've got a fridge and an oven and everything right in here. Normal tiny dorms are already highway robbery, so this place must cost a fortune. 

Some random ass woman walks in here and contributes nothing to the plot for a whole minute and then she leaves. Fantastic.

Who uh, who is this one, Jacobs's daughter and granddaughter? His wife? Why'd we do this?

So we're in Feeny's class now, it's history this time, and the newlyweds are disheveled and exhausted. Feeny dismisses class to try to give them advice, but none of it really sticks.

Okay, theory time. I'm sitting here wondering why I'm enjoying this, with the fact that Topanga was inexplicably irresponsible for once, and then by the end of this scene with Feeny it hits me. Topanga is acting like Shawn. This whole thing feels like a Cory/Shawn adventure. Topanga is being dopey and snarky and... sidekick-y. That's the secret here, they wrote her like Shawn rather than herself. And aside from being completely disingenuous, it's actually working. And it sure doesn't hurt that Cory isn't bitching about sex anymore.

As Corpanga leave the classroom unsatisfied, Feeny admits to himself that he is a fortune cookie, which is totally not true.

Meanwhile, Eric and Jack are playing some sort of billiards-hockey in The Union.

Absolutely fantastic. That's the kind of silly-dumbness that I enjoy from Eric, rather than some in-your-face he's-an-idiot thing, as well as the easygoing sidekick from Jack, rather than the judgmental heckler. Good good good. Rachel is there asking them how everything's going, and the triplets walk in right on cue. They're quickly stolen away by a set of male triplets though, leaving our boys all alone once more.

Over at Brew Lagoon, Shangela are having coffee with Corpanga, and it's a continued complain-a-thon. There are some funny bits until Topanga starts crying and runs off... which is more like Shawn than Topanga, so we've still got that going on. Cory complains to Shawn that he can't provide for or protect his wife, and honestly the whole thing makes Topanga sound so weak and helpless, and the way she's acting only makes it worse. I don't like this very much. Cory even pointed out to her at the beginning of the episode that she has suddenly abandoned her ideals of an equal partnership.

Cory insists that Shawn can't help with this problem, and that he himself has to take care of this on his own. But then it immediately cuts to him asking his dad for help, so I dunno. But once again we're seeing Alan's brand of awesome parenting. Cory is a married man now, and Alan needs him to understand and accept the responsibility that comes with that. This scene is awesome, and really lives up to the name of the series. He thought he was ready to get married, so now he has to deal with it. Granted, this all comes from a COMPLETE lack of any sort of preparation on his or Topanga's part, but the idea is there. And we haven't had a good life lesson from Alan in a while.

You can see Amy's legs back there on the stairs, she doesn't want to be a part of this, and initially she wanted to let Cory stay with them. That's interesting, since back in 6x01 it was Alan who wanted to coddle Eric, and Amy who insisted that he couldn't stay with them.

Back at The Dorm, Cory tells his wife they'll have to see this through on their own.

During the credits, we see some bloopers of Jacobs's kid flubbing his line, yet another display of either nepotism or budget constraints.

Plot: 0.5 - Cory and Topanga are idiots. Rachel is a bigger idiot. Simple communication could have prevented all of this, and then even when a miracle lands Corpanga one of the marriage dorms, they still spend every second complaining. What's weird is the huge shift in tone after Topanga starts crying. Their misery is supposed to be funny for most of the episode, and then suddenly we're watching Les Mis.

Character Development: 0 - Topanga turned into Shawn, I don't know if that's development though.

Humor: 1.0 - The misery was funny until Topanga started crying, plus Jack and Eric were consistently enjoyable. I seriously love that billiards hockey whatever they were playing.

Life Lesson: 1.0 - "Deal with your life."

2.5 out of 4.0. It's enjoyable for the most part because, like I said, Topanga is serving as more of a Shawn-sidekick than the Topanga we're used to. Jack and Eric were exactly what I want from them, but god dammit I still can't believe Rachel gave away a room again. What is her problem. 

Thanks for reading, see you Monday.

All images used under Fair Use.

Episode 7x08 "The Honeymooners"

I was really close to not doing this at all today. I just... ugh... Season 7 is so bad...

The "previously" reminds us that Eric gave Cory a key to the honeymoon suite, which is where we find our newlyweds now. As you can see in the logo above, Cory's in a real rush to leave his new wife unsatisfied. She reminds him "there's such a thing as foreplay", which is a nice touch. Pun absolutely intended. It's interesting that Disney Channel banned "Prom-ises Prom-ises" but not this one. Every time they say something like this or someone swears, I like to imagine an overprotective parent getting in a huff because their child is watching this on Disney channel. Does anyone know for certain whether they censored any profanity or anything? I never watched this show on Disney.

So anyway, Topanga puts on some sexy nightwear while Cory enjoys the gift basket for "Mister and Misses Harold Peterman," the couple Eric took advantage of to bamboozle the hotel staff. It looks like all systems are go for Cory and Topanga's two minutes of fun.

But then the police burst into the room and take our heroes away. Eric is in the hallway as well, in handcuffs, and everybody heads off to jail. Then... stock footage... of a tropical island... Cory and Topanga are here with no loss to their stride, despite having spent the previous night in jail. So... why did that happen? Being arrested had no effect on anything at all. Their honeymoon is still exactly on track. That was THE most abrupt transition in the whole series. GOING TO JAIL. STOCK FOOTAGE. PARADISE. What?

And then it finally happens. The implied off-camera sex during some more stock footage. *Confetti*

Topanga meets an old woman named Madeline out at, I don't know, it's probably a pool. Even though Topanga explicitly states that she's saving the seat for her husband, Madeline claims it as her own. Apparently Cory is still sleeping because Topanga "wore him out", which seems like the opposite of what we've come to expect this season, but hey, if Topanga's a closet deviant, more power to her.

Cory meets Madeline's husband, we don't get his name, so they're going to be "Mr. and Mrs. Nelson" from now on. The Nelsons are retiring here on Stock Footage Island, so the two couples talk about how amazing Stock Footage Island is, and about sex. I like to think this was a jab at the network by Michael Jacobs, like "okay they're married so let's talk about sex as much as possible just because we can now." This episode certainly isn't the Boy Meets World of yore, but it's lighthearted enough to be entertaining. Cory and Topanga are enjoying being married, so we might as well too

Oh by the way Eric is here.

There's some more honeymooning going on while Eric conducts a small instrumental group in the background. He has resolved to make up for ruining Corpanga's wedding night, so I guess he's trying to enhance their honeymoon. Even without Eric, this trip is going so well that Cory decides he wants to stay here on Stock Footage Island for the rest of his life, and I'll just show you Topanga's reaction.

Things actually work out better than you could have possibly expected. Cory opens a store where he... carves coconuts to look like celebrities... And apparently it's a big hit. But not as big a hit as Cory hitting the gym woop woooooooooooo:

But seriously there's nothing to talk about.

And don't worry. The beach at Stock Footage Island is definitely not fake.

The Nelsons got a letter from their family, some grandkid won a soccer game, which is supposed to ignite this idea of "don't leave your family behind" in the viewer and in Cory. Eric does some Eric things and then some new stock footage transitions us to the next morning. A lady hits a fake lizard with a stick.

There's nothing to talk about.

The locals want Cory to run for mayor against, I'm not kidding, the Communist party. The Nelsons have decided to fly home to watch their grandkid play soccer. Eric gets attacked by a spider. Is it really 17 minutes already?

Cory carves a Shawn coconut and a Feeny coconut, and together with his wife they realize that they miss their friends and family. You mean they're not going to live on Definitely Has A Real Beach Island forever? They had me going. I sure felt we were in a crisis. So they go home and there's a few more jokes about them having constant sex and Eric is back on the island getting made into soup.

There isn't even a scene during the credits.

Any questions? That's a joke, since you couldn't possibly have any questions.

I have a question though. What the fuck did I just watch? That has to be one of the most "blah" episodes in the entire series. WHY WAS ERIC THERE. Aside from conducting the band for 20 seconds, he didn't contribute anything to anything. Then again, what was there to contribute to? I don't even know what I'm feeling right now. It didn't seem like a real episode. Felt like a five-minute bonus spot that they'd put on youtube nowadays.

Plot: 0.25 - NOTHING HAPPENED.

Character Development: 0 - Uhhhhhhhhh

Humor: 0.75 - There were some really good jokes, I definitely laughed at the Communist bit, but Eric is preventing the full point. I didn't laugh at anything Eric did.

Life Lesson: 1.0 - Home is where the heart is, I guess.

2.0 out of 4.0. It really doesn't seem like a real episode. There was almost no content. Buttttttttttttt but but but it was entertaining, and I enjoyed seeing Michael Jacobs try to bring up sex as many times as possible in 20 minutes. I don't know. If I were flipping through channels and this were on, I'd watch it, but that's about all I can say. It was nice to see Cory and Topanga enjoying their marriage, but did it need 20 minutes? Did it need Eric? Probably not.

Thanks for reading, I know it was short, but there was nothing to talk about. See you Friday.

All images used under Fair Use.