Episode 6x02 "Her Answer (Part 2)"

This guyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

So we're still at The Elopening, where Topanga's unable to finish saying "I do", she keeps getting stuck after "I". She eventually flees the scene, which kiiiiiiiiiiinda makes me feel like the entire last episode was a big poopy waste of time. Was that "Her Answer" just now? Is it over?

Apparently not, since Cory's still gotta drive them both back to Philly, which is quite possibly the most uncomfortable situation in the universe.

The atmosphere doesn't get much better than that, and Topanga explains that she wants a thoroughly meaningful wedding. That sounds like something she really ought to have known before deciding to elope in the previous episode. And she manages to act like Cory's the bad guy, which is annoying.

At home, Amy and Alan are talking through Cory's eloping. Alan insists that Cory wouldn't really go through with it, and then wants to go to bed since it's so late, kicking off one of the best multi-hit jokes in the series.

I will always love that. I made all those gifs the same number of frames so they'd be synced up, but with the way gifs are loaded in your browser, it doesn't look like they'll sync properly. Oh well.

As everyone shows up they give their thoughts on The Elopening, but one important detail they sneaked in here is that both Eric and Shawn were expecting to be Cory's best man, That comes up again in the future, so I like to think they're giving us a little teaser here now. Feeny, though, is more interested in talking about himself and his retirement. As usual, Eric freaks out at the mention of his mentor's retirement, but Feeny explains that when you care about someone, you should be supportive of their decisions, even if it's hard. This, of course, draws a parallel to everyone's negative reactions toward The Elopening, It would appear that they've all decided to be more supportive. It's almost impossible for us to be invested in that, though, since we already know Cory and Topanga didn't go through with it.

Over in Rachelville the next morning, it's time for another production of Rachel Is Attractive Theater.

This plays out exactly like every scene from the previous episode.

Boys: "Wow Rachel is hot."
Rachel: "You guys are my heroes!"

The subject of Rachel's likability came up in the comments for the last episode, so let's look at that. I guess I would agree that she's likable as a person, I mean yeah she's cute and super friendly, you can see yourself being friends with her, and the actress is skilled enough. But that doesn't outweigh the fact that as a character she's horribly one dimensional and boring. I feel like I just described Riley on Girl Meets World. But who knows. Angela and Jack both had a couple great episodes last season, so hopefully Rachel turns out the same way.

She mentions that she's going to go take a bubble bath, and then Eric and Jack give us like seven jokes that are all centered on the fact that they enjoy the thought of her being naked in their home. It's just... ugh... such lazy writing. This turn of events leads the boys profess their love for each other once Rachel goes to take her bath. It's funny, and we all love to see the bromances on this show. But on the other hand, they're bonding over creeping on Rachel, so I'm torn.

Now Cory and Topanga arrive back at the Matthews House, where everyone congratulates them on their marriage. Let me explain why I hate this. It's almost exactly two minutes of bull shit. Cory and Topanga want to be showered in compliments and good tidings, so they don't bother correcting the misunderstanding, which just fills the entire scene with needless dialogue. Why do we have to sit here and listen to everyone give a speech about their marriage, when we already know it didn't happen? We don't care about this. Yeah you could argue that there's some emotional value to it, but it's ultimately worthless since they're all mostly faking it to show support. This is pure 100% Colombian waste of time.

After that two minutes passes, it's Amy's turn for a speech. She can't keep up the facade though, and expresses her disapproval, and finally takes a shot at Topanga with "Why couldn't you have just gone to Yale?" It seems a little out of character for her to be so cruel, but we don't really know enough about her to talk about it.

In one of Cory's most impressive moments to date (and I'm not being sarcastic) he explodes at his mother for saying something so horrible. It's a powerful moment for his character. I think I've been impressed every time that Cory gets actually angry.

In a very rapid change of tone, it's time for another installment of Rachel Is Attractive Theater. Jack bought her a book as a gift, while Eric bought her a bird. Rachel seems overwhelmed by her gifts though, and retreats to her bedroom. Eric wonders if they can eat the bird. Actually pretty funny.

Back at home, we learn just what the fuck is wrong with Amy. Alan makes his way through the dialogue tree, and it turns out that Amy doesn't want to be replaced as Cory's caretaker, and is generally having a hard time letting go. It's a believable result for her character, and Betsy Randle does a fantastic job with it, but it still doesn't justify her outburst from earlier. That was some serious vitriol.

The Theater resumes as Rachel reemerges from he room with a big suitcase. The boys assume she's moving out, and start to apologize for all their creepy objectification and promise not to do it anymore.

I sure am glad they acknowledged that. I hope this new resolution lasts.

Either way, Rachel wasn't planning on moving out anyway. Her suitcase was just full of stuff from her last boyfriend (who she was originally living with) and was going to throw it into an incinerator. She acknowledges the sexual tension, and admits she could fall for either one of them, but agrees that they all need to keep it platonic. So again, I hope this lasts.

I really like that joke. First of all because I wasn't expecting it, and second because it shows a shift from how Jack started out season 5. Here he is going along with Eric doing something silly (eating a bird he bought for Rachel) instead of just making fun of him. That's much better.

A hop, skip, and a jump takes us to a park, in front of a monkey-bar jungle-gym... thing... I checked, and this is indeed the same place where Starry Night ended, and, before that, was where Cory and Topanga met for the first time. Which is to say that there is some version of the retcon where that is true. I never actually noticed that until today, so that's fun.

Amy explains why she was a bitch-a-saurus earlier, and ends up giving her mother's engagement ring to Topanga to wear. Cory grabs it and proposes to Topanga on the spot, since their first proposal/engagement was nullified when the wedding failed. Or whatever. And okay, this is Her Answer. So they met here, Starry Night happened here, and now they're engaged here. And the best part is, NO ONE MENTIONS ANY OF THAT. The significance of this location is entirely subtext. And I think it's much more special that way. Thumbs up.

Corpanga announce that they haven't decided on a wedding date. They're going to get married "when they're ready."

During the credits, a going-away party is being held for Feeny in The Kitchen. Eric gives the exact same speech that Amy gave earlier, except directed at Feeny. Very funny.

That's like the third time we've seen Angela in this episode, but she hasn't had any lines at all. Weird.

Plot: 0.5 - CAWRY N TUPOONG R GET MARRYYYY

Character Development: 1.0 - Amy finally approves of the engagement, Jack and Eric stop creeping on Rachel.

Humor: 1.0 - Mostly Eric, but Shawn and Cory had their moments too. And that whole "creeps and weirdos" bit gets me every time.

Life Lesson: 0 - Don't eat your pet birds.

2.5 out of 4.0. - Enjoyable. Eric makes it worth watching. And the really real engagement of our main couple is an important landmark. The weird thing though is that it's not like we've made any progress since the end of Graduation. They're still getting married. IMPORTANT FOLLOW UP QUESTION: WHERE THE HELL DOES SHAWN LIVE? I mean he must have moved back to the trailer, right? He and Cory don't move to the dorm until the next episode. You'd think they would mention that somewhere.

Thanks for reading, see you Friday.

All images used under Fair Use.

Episode 6x01 "His Answer (Part 1)"

Is that a new logo? Can't tell? Well I don't blame you, because the new intro is almost exactly the same as the last one. Except for the shots including that new redhead there, I had to go back to season 5 to make sure they weren't re-using footage. The song, though, has certainly not changed, which is perhaps the biggest mistake of all. Maybe they thought it was cute to make it so entirely similar to the last intro. But it's not.

It's dumb.

We get a quick recap of the developments near the end of Season 5. Amy got pregnant, Feeny decided to retire, everyone graduated, and Topanga proposed. In the present, Cory's unsure how to respond to this ambush-proposal, which is the most rational thing about the situation. He agrees after she kisses him though, so there we go, that's "his answer", why do we need a part 2? Either way, Topanga wants go tie the knot right away. Why wait when you've been together your whole lives?

Damn you Karen McCain, for getting in the way of my gif. And wow, that's a low blow from Cory. I don't even know what's real anymore, to be honest. I thought we established that Eric convinced Cory girls were icky for a few years, and then they started dating again in high school. But I think from now on they'll be insisting that they've never been apart, so consider this my blanket statement of "this is a BS retcon" for the rest of the series. Between my posts and the comments we've all harped on it enough. Let's just accept our fate and be done with it.

This scene jumps back and forth from The Apartment to what must be Angela's room, which we've never seen before, where she and Topanga are similarly talking about the marriage situation. Shawn, as we know, buys into The Retcon and thus supports the marriage, while Angela, surprisingly enough, thinks they should be doing pretty much everything in the world except getting married. We learn that Cory is afraid to tell his parents about the proposal, but not much else. It's mostly just to show us Shawn and Angela reacting to the news. 

But Shawn's got news of his own.

Cory's lack of enthusiasm is due to his preoccupation with GETTING MARRIED, but that still deserves a "what the hell?" Shawn's going or not-going to Pennbrook was one of the most significant issues at the end of last season. It was a really big deal, and it was starting to look like he actually wouldn't go. But now it's just swept under the rug with a "I decided to go." He does mention his photography job though, so they're at least attempting some sort of continuity. Underwhelming, to say the least. Jack is more excited about it than anyone else, but he and Eric are alarmed to learn that Shawn will be living in a dorm with Cory instead of in The Apartment. How ever will they find a replacement? 

Well since this is a sitcom, all they've gotta do is wait about ten seconds, same way we found Jack at the beginning of season 5. The redhead from the new intro loudly breaks up with her boyfriend at the end of the hallway and is quickly recruited by our boys to be their new roommate. A few hours later, Shawn's not happy to find all his stuff being thrown out into the hallway, but quickly changes his mind at the sight of the new fiery haired roommate.

You kinda have to hear it, but the way Shawn does that line gets me in stitches every time.

So yeah. Welcome to the new Apartment Dynamic. The new girl, Rachel, is very good looking. That's her thing. For two seasons. The amount of shenanigans resulting solely from the fact that she's good looking is just absurd. I am not looking forward to it. "Rachel is pretty, and thus ___ occurs." Eric and Jack were really starting to find their footing as a team, but any hope we had is gone now. For the most part, anyway.

Shangela and Corpanga arrive at the Matthew House after a double date, and things start to unravel. It comes up that Shawn and Cory will live together, but Topanga expected to live with Cory since they'd be married, but no one can mention the marriage in front of Cory's parents, so it's a whole sitcommy mess. Eric shows up just then, expertly breaking the tension as always.

I love everyone else's expressions there.

Topanga eventually just says flat out that they're getting married. Amy, Alan, and Angela, The A Team, serve as the force of reason here, saying all the things that we the viewers want to say about why this marriage is such a bad idea. Shawn's purpose is to remind everyone (including us) that Cory and Topanga are exceptions to the natural way of things, and Eric doesn't say anything at all. Probably because he's too busy thinking about, I don't know, kangaroos, or Mister Feeny, or his new roommate. The situation heats up, and ultimately Corpanga run off to elope.

Once they're gone, Eric comes out in support of their marriage, but his reasons are total nonsense.

That's another one where the delivery is important. It's hard to explain why this is different from when Jack does those kinds of insult-jokes, which I generally don't enjoy, it must have to do with the fact that Alan is a better established character and actually knows Eric a lot better than Jack does.

Corpsehanger arrive at some judge's house to elope, and it's clear that everyone's kinda starting to question this whole thing. It's completely obvious to everyone on earth that they're going to wait and have a real ceremony, because it's television, so I'm really not interested in jumping through these hoops. 

At The Apartment, Jack and Rachel find their way into some play-wrestling, just as Eric comes home.

There are some more jokes about how Rachel is good looking before Eric explains the crisis he "resolved" back at home. And then some more jokes about Rachel, it's honestly kind of unsettling, the red flags ought to be going off in her head right now, but instead she says that they're terrific and are making her realize what a creep her now-ex-boyfriend was. Like, this would be fine if they were old pals, I can totally understand that kind of humor, but they literally just met her earlier today, and now they're both blatantly competing to get in her pants. Maybe she's just used to this sort of thing, I have no idea.

If I were to give her character a lot of credit, I would say that that's a clever way of passively shutting down their boners. Buuuuuuut it's probably just a cheap "haw haw they aren't gonna get laid" reversal joke. Whatever.

We jump back to the judge's house for the wedding ceremony. Cory says "I do" but Topanga finds herself unable to get the words out, and it fades to the credits, which is just some jammin' guitar music over the logo. Real talk, I love all of the music that plays during the credits like this. Maybe it's all nostalgia, but it always sounds like a bright sunshiney afternoon. 

And oh, I get it now, the next episode is called "Her Answer (Part 2)", because now she's gotta answer the "Do you take Cory..." question. Cute.

Plot: 0.25 - Nothing really happened. We barely addressed Shawn going to college, Rachel was introduced in the LAZIEST WAY IMAGINABLE, and the whole eloping thing just feels unnecessary.

Character Development: 0.5 - Rachel is developed in the sense that she comes into existence, but that's about it. Again, very lazy writing when it comes to Rachel. 

Humor: 1.0 - Eric does a lot of good work, Cory too for the first half. And Shawn is consistent throughout. 

Life Lesson: 0 - It's really unclear how we're supposed to view this eloping. Everyone sort of comes to terms with it by the end, except then Topanga suddenly doesn't like it anymore. Also it's totally cool to be a massive creep toward your new roommate. 

1.75 out of 4.0. - Definitely the weakest season opener so far. We had such a great setup at the end of season 5, but this was a letdown. The two biggest points are that we didn't explore Shawn choosing to go to college, and that Rachel's entire presentation this episode seems like it was written by a 14 year old boy. Seasons 4 and 5 had such strong openings, showing us everything to look forward to, but what the hell do we have to look forward to now?

Thanks for reading, see you Wednesday. 

All images used under Fair Use.

Special Event: Trojan War

Before we begin, I just want to point out that Trojan War was Will's first foray into the movie business, in September 1997, just before the fifth season of Boy Meets World began to air. His second was a made-for-tv Disney movie called "My Date with the President's Daughter" in 1998, and that one I definitely watched as a kid. I don't remember hating it, but it's probably pretty bad. And for some disgusting, inexplicable twist of cruel fate, I can vividly remember the song they wrote to advertise that movie...

♫ My date! With the President's daaaughter
♫ My date! With the President's daaaugther ohhh yeahh~

The whole movie is on Youtube, and you can hear the song at 7:29 in part 9 of 9. The next two lines in the song are "my date with her, so good, so young" which... I don't think I'm very comfortable with... Here's the link. I know you want it, it's okay to look.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Um0iVIb8LKU&t=7m29s

The actress playing the President's daughter, Elisabeth Harnois, is exceptionally good looking though. You know who else she played? Missy Robinson in The Last Temptation of Cory, SEASON 3 EPISODE 9.

FULL FUCKIN CIRCLE, BABY. She may very well be the only woman alive who has smooched both Ben Savage and Will Friedle. Well played.

All of what I just wrote happened live. I went to Wikipedia to get the poster for Trojan War, and then all of that unfolded, just as you read it. I can't tell you how cool it is to be able to share that chain of events with people who can appreciate it. Thank you for joining me tonight. Hello, I'm KBM.

But that's not why we're here, is it.

We're here for something far more sinister.

I'm honestly a little scared to start this. As I mentioned in the review of And Then There Was Shawn, this movie was produced for $15 million, but only played in a single movie theatre and was pulled after a week, netting exactly $309 in ticket sales. That is a cataclysmic disaster, I've never heard of such a failure before. I suppose we all have to die eventually... I've got my Sam Adams here, but I just don't think it's gonna be enough. Let's get started then.

Oh good I got the torrent with the dual audio, so I can switch over to the fucking Hindi dub of Trojan War if I need to. I won't, but it's sure nice to know that I can. God, who could have possibly been involved in that project... The Hindi dub of fucking Trojan War, how does that even exist...

You're right, I'm stalling.

Will's character, Brad Kimble, is narrating the opening scene to explain how he's deeply in love with this girl, here,

Brooke Kingsley. Yes that's right, their outfits from the very first scene are the same outfits from the promo poster. So we can already see where that $15 million budget is going.

Absolutely fuckin nowhere. Maybe this whole film was just a money laundering scheme, they just needed to filter out fifteen million dollars so they threw this piece of shit together. I'm stalling again.

To no surprise, that first scene was just Brad's daydream during chemistry. The teacher brings out a jar of condoms for the students to take, since graduation is in a week and I guess that connection made sense to the writers. Like I said, money laundering scheme. Brooke's current boyfriend makes a real douche of himself, and I know I recognize this guy, could he be from Boy Meets World too? SURE ENOUGH, it's Eric Balfour, who played the jock, Tommy, that confronts Griff at the end of Pop Quiz two years before this movie. It's all coming together! The web! The pattern! The truth...

Holy fuck, I am never going to finish this writeup.

Outside, we bear witness to a true miracle.

Jason Marsden and Danny Masterson are in the same movie. The voice of Maximillian Goof is taking notes on dating from Hyde from That 70's Show. 

Read that sentence again. 

I TAKE IT ALL BACK! THIS IS AMAZING. If absolutely nothing else (which seems likely), thank you, Trojan War, for giving us this truly incredible moment.

Brad and his female friend Leah, played by Jennifer Love Hewitt, join the men pictured above, who I'm going to be calling Max and Hyde since these characters' names don't matter. Leah thinks Brooke is unworthy of Brad's affection, and then Brooke herself comes up asking Brad to tutor her in biology. For perhaps the only time ever, Will Friedle is playing the "smart" guy. Brad agrees, and then everybody makes some terrible jokes.

At home, (can I write a post without saying that?) Brad is entrusted with his father's Jaguar for the night, and since we've all seen at least one movie in our lives, we know what's going to happen to that car. Leah comes over to help Brad prepare for his big tutoring session, and it's abundantly clear that she has romantic feelings for him (the childhood best friend trope). He's oblivious, though, which is just the most creative male-female dynamic I have ever seen.

Later, Brooke snubs her boyfriend in favor of being tutored, which proceeds exactly how you would expect.

Brooke is played by Marley Shelton, who has had a lot of work since this movie but nothing amazing. She was on an episode of Mad Men though, which seems to be a recurring theme.

Will Friedle --> Marley Shelton --> Mad Men
Rider Strong --> Larisa Oleynik --> Mad Men
Ben Savage --> Linda Cardellini --> Mad Men
And that Arthur guy from Stormy Weather (3x16) is on Mad Men as well.
You can't make this stuff up, folks. But then, maybe I'm the only one who cares.

(Beginning beer number 2, the Budweiser Black Crown. I've got a thing for amber lager right now)

I just put on the Hindi dub for a little bit, it actually sounds pretty professional. I'm sorry, I can't let that go, it's too funny.

Brooke gets a call from her douchey boyfriend who wants her to join him at a party. He gives her the whole "you're pretty why do you need to study" thing, which upsets her. Brooke actually seems like a sympathetic character at this point. I'll be honest, this movie is not even that bad yet. Every joke is a flop and JLH hasn't quite learned how to act yet, but the actors are great and the dialogue (except the jokes) is good too. This could be a lot worse.

Anyway, Brooke and Brad start to get intimate, but our boy doesn't have a condom (take notes, Prom-ises Prom-ises) so he runs out to get one. I'm assuming this is the part where the movie becomes insufferable, what I like to refer to as "antics".

What the hell is on her ceiling?

The next scene is Brad trying to find and then trying to buy condoms at some supermarket and I actually laughed at a joke, but mostly because Will's delivery is so perfect. He left his wallet in his car though, and we see somebody stealing his (dad's) car just as he exits. So he has no car and no money to buy the condoms. Honestly I would just steal the condoms at this point. Brad files a police report, and calls Leah to pick him up (since he doesn't remember Brooke's phone number). He says he'll meet her half way and hops on a bus, the driver of which is Brian from The Breakfast Club.

He is also crazy.

Brad doesn't have money for the fare, so Brian from The Breakfast Club essentially kidnaps him and starts road-rage-ing around town. This gag quickly wears out any slight bit of humor it may have had (thanks to the comedic chops of two skilled actors) and eventually Brad (I almost write "Eric" every single time) gets dropped off in the middle of shadyscaryville. He wanders into a predominantly Hispanic bar and ends up dancing with an older woman who thinks he looks like Hasselhoff on Baywatch. I swear, every show and movie in the 90's was required by law to reference Baywatch at least once. Boy Meets World sure as hell followed that law.

Danny Trejo is in this scene, by the way.

This cast is honestly unbelievable.

There was apparently a cash prize for... dancing... really well..? So now Brad's up 100 bucks, but we're only 30 minutes in, so what's gonna happen? Is he gonna drop it down a storm drain? Get mugged? I'll be surprised if it's neither of those.

(Beer number 3. And some leftover pizza.)

Fearing for his life, Brad breaks out of the bathroom window and runs away, into a shadyscary alleyway. A Jag just like his father's drives up and the thugs inside the car decide to take Brad on their thuggy adventures. It's pretty fucking stupid. Brad and the thugs start to bond when he compliments the graffiti they did at his high school. But when the thugs learn that their graffiti got cleaned up by the janitor, they decide to take action.

Let's be honest, Harley, Frankie, and Joey could totally take these guys.

These guys take Brad to his high school and do some more tagging and then ditch him. Don't worry it's all very well explained. Brad breaks into the school to get a condom from that jar his chem teacher put out earlier,so he's up a hundred bucks and now a condom. Pretty successful night so far. Until the janitor attacks him with a firehose.

I'm not shirking you on the details here, that's what happened. Somehow the janitor thinks that completely destroying the school is worth catching this intruder. Who does he think is going to have to clean this up? Next the janitor attacks Brad with a mop, but Brad is able to defeat him using a metal bucket. Yeah you read that right. It may sound exciting, and I would make a gif if it were actually exciting, but it it's not, I promise.

It cuts to Brad walking down the street where he is quickly found by some people from the bar (not including Danny Trejo, unfortunately). He runs away and manages to find Leah in her car, who somehow hasn't reached their meeting point yet. She drives him back to Brooke's, and she's really not happy about it.

Brooke isn't answering her door, I think there's loud music playing? It's unclear if it's just movie-background-music or if it's coming from inside. Either way, Brad decides to climb a tree to get to her window on the second floor. Alright, I'm gonna try to explain this the best that I can. Brad is an idiot, so he decides to hold the condom with his teeth as he's climbing, rather than keep it in his pocket, and then he sneezes the condom out of his mouth and out into the street where it falls down a storm drain.

Well I was half right about the storm drain. Fuck you, for a wild guess that is close enough, dammit. Meanwhile the janitor is telling the police about the incident from earlier.

Metal bucket? Surprisingly effective. This is the same cop that filed the police report with Brad earlier, so that's probably relevant. And the graffiti in the background is the thugs made just now. Brad added the nipples himself, and it kind of looks like Brooke, which might be important later. ...I'm using "important" in a very relative sense.

Through some mechanism that we do not observe, Brad falls through a window into Brooke's house, where he finds a note explaining that she went to that party her boyfriend wanted her to go to. Makes sense. The cops show up in response to the break-in, in perhaps the fastest response time ever, so Brad decides to run away. Once again, the same cop is on the scene.

God, this is the epitome of antics, how is there another half hour of this shit? I'm so done..

(Beer number 4, and a third slice of pizza.)

Brad steals a golf cart from a country club (where his parents happen to be) and drives it into a dumpset, you know, normal shit. And it cuts to Leah with Max and Hyde, getting ready to go to that same party that I've mentioned a couple times already.

Alright, yeah, I'm getting tipsy. I am such a lightweight.

I need to pee.

Max and Hyde are seriously the best thing about this movie. If I ever become stupid rich, I'm going to produce a buddy comedy with Marsden and Masterson.

Do I seriously have the hiccups?! Am I a fucking cartoon character?! Jesus Christ... Okay, anyway, a homeless guy that we saw earlier but I didn't mention it finds Eric in the dumpster, and sells him some new clothes... Somehow... I don't... Guys, come on, gimme a break here. Eric pays for his new clothes with that $100 he won earlier. Brian from The Breakfast Club pulls up in his bus again, and this time Brad's got the money for a ride. Brad cusses him out for that shit he pulled earlier, and it's refreshingly funny to hear Will Friedle using profanity. Profanity is funny, at least, I think I so, that's why I use it, so this is a rare treat.

Brad arrives at that party, thanks to the bus driver, but then he remembers that he still doesn't have a condom. So he tries to buy some from literally Kathy Griffin at a nearby convenience store.

This cast. Seriously.

He doesn't have enough money left over from buying his new clothes though. Fortunately for him, the same thugs he met earlier show up to rob the store, and his old pals get him the condoms. They're really just philanthropists, at heart, honestly. Of course, it's not that simple, since the same cop we've seen the entire movie is once again able to pull off the world's fastest response time. The thugs pretend to take Brad hostage, and he plays along, so the police let them make their escape. The thugs want to go to "the party", which I guess Brad mentioned earlier, I honestly don't remember, so that's where they're headed now, followed by like fifty police cars and a helicopter.

Back at the party, Leah decides to leave. I have no idea why she even decided to go in the first place, but Max and Hyde are staying so they can try to get laid.

Please leave a comment if you are as moved by this as I am. This is the kind of shit you dream about... Marsden and Masterson... it's too perfect.

The car chase proceeds right past the party house, and a fucking sniper shoots out one of the thugs' tires. It fades in at the police station where Eric is doing a montage of recounting his experiences that night, and hey, it's pretty funny, I guess. Since he is, in fact, innocent in all this business, The Cop gives him a phone call and a condom. 

Okay, first of all, it's night time, and second,

WHAAAAAAAAAATTTTT?!!??!?

WHAAAAAAAAAAAA

Wow, okay, well, that happened. I guess uh, *cough* I guess we just have to live with that, fuckin, Horatio Caine thing.

Brad uses his phone call to call Leah, I guess she made it home already? Otherwise Brad would have been fucked. Whatever. Back at the party, Brooke's douchey boyfriend swears revenge on Brad, while Max and Hyde make another attempt at getting laid. 

I seriously can't get enough of this. They are an amazing team. Their jokes aren't even particularly funny, there's just so much emotion on my part, seeing these two together.

Leah drops Brad back at the party, and she's about to leave, but some fuckin monster truck has blocked her in, so it looks like she's staying. The Hispanics from the bar have somehow found their way to the party, and now the woman Brad danced with earlier thinks that Max and Hyde look like "Chandler and Ross from friends" (they don't) so I imagine this threesome happened some point.

The guy on the left is her brother, by the way. I uh.. I don't know why he's here.

Brad finds Brooke at the party, and she takes him upstairs to make THE MAGIC happen, at which point we learn that she's really only interested in a one night stand, and that she intends to keep dating her douchey boyfriend. I don't know, she was a genuinely sympathetic character earlier, I think we were supposed to like her, and now we're supposed to immediately abandon it. But I guess that's the same way Brad is feeling, so we're sort of in his shoes, but I might be giving the writers way too much credit.

Either way, Brad backs out and explains that he wants his first time to be with someone "who's like his best friend". It's literally the worst scene you've ever seen in your life, but I've come this far and I'm four beers in, so let's power on through:

It just plays a bunch of clips of JLH that we've seen throughout the movie, and then Brad bails back downstairs, looking for Leah, but instead he finds Brooke's douchey boyfriend, who's still out for blood.

I'm not gonna flair this one up, I'm just gonna call it like I see it. Brad is about to get his face punched in by Douchey Boyfriend, when he spies a dog outside the front door. This dog chased Brad earlier in the movie when he ran from the police at Brooke's place. Now the dog runs in and starts chewing on Douchey Boyfriend's crotch. Just... chewin away.

You're right, it's not funny, it's fucking stupid and it makes me angry. I don't really understand how this movie was written. Some of the dialogue is really witty, and there are some genuinely funny moments, and then other times, like this, it's just HAHA HIS DICK HURTS. I'm very confused about the writing process for this movie. Like, one of out of four guys in the writing room was actually funny. Maybe the funny parts were just due to Will exerting his influence. We'll never know.

That guy in the picture was also in Six Feet Under, if you've seen that. It's a good show.

Brad finds Leah outside and they kiss. I think it's supposed to mirror that first scene, the dream sequence, but I sure as hell ain't goin back to check. They kiss some more and then the credits roll.

After the credits, Brad's parents see what's become of their Jaguar as a tow truck brings it back.

So let's pull out the Shitty 90's Coming-Of-Age Movie Checklist.

Sexy blonde the protagonist never actually gets with? Checky check.
Humble side character that the protag does end up with? Super check
Slapstick and/or guys getting hit in the balls? Very check
Protag destroys his dad's car? Checkaroo
Likeable sidekick characters that don't matter? You know that's a check.
Entire movie could have been solved with cell phones? ChuchuchuchuchuCHECK.

I could go on, but it's totally by the numbers, no risks taken whatsoever. That being said, it's absolutely not the worst movie I've ever seen. Look at the fucking cast again. Friedle, JLH, Masterson, Marsden, DANNY TREJO, Kathy Griffin, Brian from The Breakfast Club, I mean how did this even happen? If you had read that cast to me, I would have watched this in a heartbeat. They all ended up really successful, but somehow they all got together and made this stupid ass movie.

Is it bad? Yeah, it's bad. Obviously it's bad. But it could have been so much worse. Honestly, if you're anything like me, I think you should actually try to get your hands on this movie, just because it's always a treat to watch Will Friedle, and Marsden/Masterson are awesome together. Anyone else on the earth, though, stay as far away from this movie as they can. You're supposed to get cheap thrills from the "aww he was so close!" moments that litter the entire script, but since none of us are thirteen, it doesn't land at all.

I don't know what to say. Obviously it's a piece of shit, but for a piece of shit it's not that bad. If they had done any real advertising for this movie, they absolutely could have made more money. I mean, it's not Adam Sandler bad, not even close. And it's definitely better than My Date With The President's Daughter.

How the hell do you end something like this? Thanks for reading? I'm sorry I did this to you? I hope you enjoyed some part of this?




...Forgive me?

When was the last time I started drinking this early... I'm a victim, you see! A VICTIM!

One more time, MASTERSON AND MARSDEN! WOOOOOOOO

Episode 5x24 "Graduation"

It's the end of the year and Cory wants to get his yearbook signed by everyone who passes by, but they all silently ignore his advances. Need I remind you, this is the guy who won Prom King a few episodes ago, and now nobody will give him the time of day. You might almost suggest that Cory winning Prom King was total fucking nonsense. Almost.

Doesn't matter though, because this just became one of the best episodes in the season. It's FRANKIE AND JOEYYYYYY. Last time we saw Joey was in the marathon billiards match, all the way back in season 3. We saw Frankie a few more times after that, last of which was Turkey Day in season 4. But they're back for their final final appearance now, asking Cory and Shawn to sign their (stolen) yearbooks. They're definitely a few years older than Cory and Shawn, but Cory makes a point of saying that it took the thugs eight years to get through high school. I barely recognized Joey at first.

So yeah, this is just a fun way to give our favorite thugs a proper sendoff. Love it, A+, don't really need to see any more, but let's keep going.

Okay I'm glad we kept going. IT'S MINKUS O'CLOCK, my favorite time of the day. He says that for the "last four years" it hasn't felt like he's been at the school. So we've got re-confirmation that seasons 2 through 5 were four years, and not the five years it would take to go from beginning of 8th grade to end of 12th grade.

That shit don't matter tho.

Cuz it's fuckin Minkus.

Our favorite nerd explains that he's been "over there" the whole time, pointing toward the studio audience. Cory explains "We don't go over there," and Shawn continues that you may never come back if you do go over there.

Hey look, Minkus is holding his notebooks in that way all the girls hold their notebooks.

You see that!? THEY'RE BRINGIN BACK CHARACTERS FROM OLD SEASONS

SO I BROUGHT BACK COMMENTARY FROM OLD SEASONS

FUCKIN AMAZING BEST BLOG EVERRRRRRRRR

I'd like to know why they couldn't get Turner for a reappearance. He was a much more significant character than Minkus or the thugs, I'd definitely like to see him again.

Shawn doesn't really care about signing Cory's yearbook, and he also thinks the class rings that Topanga and Cory are so excited about are stupid and meaningless. And hey, I agree with you Shawny boy. I always wrote "See you tomorrow" in my friends' yearbooks. But I guess it's a lot different now with Facebook and everything. Anyway yeah, Shawn is the Grinch of the last week of school. Topanga tells her boyfriend that she's going to Pennbrook over Yale, but he insists she read the "information I got off the internet last night" on Yale before she makes her decision. ...Cory knows how to use the internet? Should I be as surprised as I am?

Shawn calls out his best friend on faking his supportiveness for Topanga.  Real Grinchy Grinch behavior here today.

In class, Feeny gives everyone an optional assignment to write about "what's in your heart during this last week of school." Feeny makes it very clear that he wants Shawn to do the assignment, and perhaps he's created this assignment solely to hear from Shawn.

Topanga literally threatens Mister Feeny into giving her an A, since she has "699 As" and wants 700. Afraid for his life, the old man complies. As usual, we, the viewer, don't care.

Shawn returns to The Apartment to find some sort of celebration set up by Jack to congratulate Shawn on graduating. It's odd, since Shawn isn't actually graduating for another two days. Either way, the gesture isn't well received by the angstier Hunter boy, so the two end up wrestling and arguing like always. Shawn is being a real jackass today. Jack went to a lot of trouble here!

Eric emerges from his bedroom clad in spy gear, heading off to stop Mr. Feeny from retiring. This man truly is the Master of Shenanigans.

Aaand that's the last interaction between the Hunter boys. Their problem remains unresolved, so that was pointless. Honestly, this is exactly where they started at the beginning of the season. That's uh... That's an interesting writing choice. Back at school, Cory's let loose a few chickens in the hallway as a senior prank. The joke is that no one cares about the chickens, not even Feeny, but Cory thinks it's the greatest prank of all time. It's cute. I like the way Cory keeps yelling "chickens!" More importantly though, we have another meeting between Feeny and Shawn. Feeny urges Shawn to work on the assignment, but Shawn still doesn't want to since it's not required.

I really appreciate that line, it really reflects everything Feeny's been about in this series. It resonates with what I've been talking about in If You Can't Be and Prom-ises, where the characters aren't following orders or rules, they make the decisions for themselves. And that's always been Feeny's philosophy, to point out what page we're on, to give everyone the information they need to make their own decisions and choices.

Topanga shows up and asks they boys if they want to hear her valedictorian speech. Shaking his head, Shawn walks away without saying anything at all. I'm going to have to agree with Shawn here. Minkus reappears off to the side, and challenges Topanga's claim to valedictorian. Unfortunately for our favorite nerd, the A that Topanga extorted out of Feeny brought her to victory. You'll recall that Topinkus argue about this same grade crap in episode 7 of GMW. It was pretty forced and nonsensical, and most importantly anyone who didn't see this episode of BMW wouldn't understand what was going on.

Once again, Cory encourages his girlfriend to go to Yale, but she's still not sure so she goes to Feeny's office that evening for advice. It's really difficult to get invested in this when you already know what happens. Or maybe it's just that we're all wishing for Topanga to go to Yale. I just don't care about her struggle, I really don't. Eric saves us from the monotony though, by grappling-hook-ing his way in through Feeny's window.

The tune of "Good Lookin Guy" from 4x02 plays while Eric is climbing (and ultimately falling) out the window, which is a beautiful flourish on the end of an already hysterical bit.

There's a touching scene up next when our three heroes stay after class to talk to Feeny. They ask if all their antics have driven him to retiring, but it turns out to be quite the opposite. Watching the three of them grow has given him enough gratification to close out his career with total satisfaction. Very touching.

These words leave Shawn thinking about the thing he complains most about, which is school. Tie that in with the optional paper about what school means to him, and we're set up for an epic conclusion.

We're at the graduation ceremony now, and it's time for the valedictorian speech. Topanga defers to "somebody who could give a much better speech than I ever could." This is, of course, Shawn. The point of his speech is that he dicked around too much in school and now... he really wishes that he hadn't.

And The Grinch's heart grew three sizes that day.

So this is the conclusion of the Shawn-Feeny arc that took us from City Slackers to the Eskimo to now. Shawn's spent his whole life thinking he's defined by his upbringing, that he's a failure no matter what, but now... "I coulda done better." Shawn is realizing his own potential, admitting that his previous failures are his own fault. We don't learn his plans for the future in this episode, but I like to think that he's already made up his mind to go to Pennbrook at this point, because he wants to prove to himself and everyone else that he still can do better. Good stuff. The Shawn-Feeny arc is definitely more subtle than Eric-Feeny or Cory-Shawn or Cory-Topanga, or even Shawn-Turner which ended back in Cult Fiction. Even so, it's got two of my favorite episodes, Eskimo and City Slackers, so once you've picked up on it, it really is a great story.

Eric jumps up out of the graduating students to stop the proceedings, trying to delay Feeny's impending retirement. He grabs the microphone and starts singing To Sir With Love by Lulu, directed at Feeny. It's funny at first, but it drags on wayyyyy too long. What's worse though is that it completely undermines the ending from the last episode. We saw that moment of seriousness between mentor and student, but now Eric is just acting like an idiot. I really wish this hadn't happened, and they'd just let the end of 5x23 be this season's last scene with Eric and Feeny. Especially since this contributes nothing to anything. He just keeps singing and eventually it cuts to Feeny reading off the names of the students to come get their diplomas. Again, it is funny, but it's still not worth it.

Our heroes give Minkus a big hug after his name is called, which, in my opinion, was absolutely necessary. A very, very sweet gesture from the writers to include this in the memory of our season 1 pal.

Last but not least, Topanga proposes to Cory right there during the name-calling ceremony. Cory is left speechless and it's just that fun guitar music during the credits. I didn't ask for this. Why.

Plot: 0.5 - It's a lot of fluff. Lots of wrapping-up going on, and the scenes with Minkus and the thugs were just fanservice. Appreciated, certainly, but still fanservice. Shawn's little story with the paper is where the points are coming from. Shame they didn't address whether or not Shawn's going to college in this episode. They really teased that in the previous episode and it never came up here.

Character Development: 1.0 - "I coulda done better" and Topanga proposed.

Humor: 1.0 - Eric's spy gear bit was fantastic, so was Cory and his chickens. Topanga was thoroughly anti-funny, but whatever.

Life Lesson: 1.0 - "I coulda done better" either hits you really hard or doesn't mean anything. It hit me really hard when I first saw this, and this is my blog, so I'm giving the point.

3.5 out of 4.0. At the end of the day, watching this episode is just necessary. We have a sendoff for Frankie, Joey, and Minkus, Topanga proposes, Shawn does his thing, it's all very important. It's not amazing, but it's fun and it's important. I think that's all I've got to say.

Thanks everybody for sticking with me through another season. It's dark days ahead, my friends, very dark. But maybe some episodes will surprise me. I'm gonna take my end-of-season break next week, but for Friday I'm planning to review that stupid Trojan War movie with Friedle and JLH. It'll be my first time watching it, and it's only 80 minutes, so it should be fun. I hope. Maybe. See you then!