Episode 5x07 "I Love You Donna Karan (Part 1)"

Donna Karan is apparently a fashion designer. She must be the designer of Angela's purse, otherwise I have no idea what the title means.

Back in 5x02, we met a student named Angela in "Mister Feeny's film class", who pointed out that Cory's project looked a lot like The Real World. I don't think we've seen her since then, so that was odd timing, but here she is again on a Chubbie's date with Shawn Hunter. Cory and Topanga watch from the sidelines, which should probably make them uncomfortable. Topanga mentions how great Shangela are, but Cory reminds her of Shawn's Two Week Rule. Apparently Shawn only ever dates a girl for two weeks, and that time has come with Angela. Angela's being extremely pragmatic about the whole thing, to Shawn's surprise, and it seems like he's having a harder time letting go than she is. Topanga thinks Shawn's Two Week Rule is stupid, and claims that Shawn is afraid of commitment.

Ahh the bromance. Love love love it. I'll ship Cory and Shawn over Shawn and Angela any day of the week.

Topanga reads Shawn the Riot Act, explaining how he'll spend the rest of his life alone, which is nonsense on its own since they're seventeen, but Shawn's already kissing some new girl off to the side.

At school, the boys find a purse that's been left in the hallway. They ask Mr. Feeny who runs the lost and found and, of course, he does. It's self aware though, as he points out that he also teaches history, english, and film. So that's funny. Not wishing to burden Feeny any further, the boys decide to just put up a notice for the purse, and then Shawn starts digging through it for a wallet or ID. What he finds instead is a book of sonnets with a ticket stub for a Van Damme movie. Shawn comments that he would "give her two weeks," and honestly, I've dated for less.

In The Backyard, Eric's looking for help with his studying from Mister Feeny, but the old man thinks it's time for Eric to do these sorts of things on his own.

Eric thinks it's "Kevin McDougal, the kid from the other side," which is hilarious, and also sort of self aware in the sense that we've always ignored the existence of their other neighbors.

Back at The Apartment, Eric's freaking out trying to study, and he's got Jack quizzing him about the Louisiana Purchase.

I am IN LOVE with that joke. Is that just me? This has stuck with me since the very first time I saw it. It's hard to put my finger on why exactly, but it's absolutely hysterical to me.

 Jack abandons Eric to study on his own. Our boy can't remember the name Marco Polo, and keeps saying "Marco..." for way longer than is necessary until an imaginary Feeny appears and says "Polo". Jack wanders back in since Eric's talking to nobody, and they spend like six hours on this bit where Eric tries to explain who he's talking to. If nothing else, we get one of the most important lines in the series.

We would be lost in the darkness without that line. Eric's only sayin what we were all thinkin. But now we know. Meanwhile, Jack mostly just makes this face and makes sure everyone at home knows what a crazy guy Eric is.

I think that's the perfect picture to describe Jack's function in season 5.

In the background they've still got that same piece of paper taped to the computer screen as in the Witches episode. Anyway Imagi-Feeny takes Eric to the library to study.

At Chubbie's, Cory finds Shawn reading that book of sonnets from The Purse. Cory wants to fix Shawn up with Topanga's friend Debbie, because he and Topanga want Shawn to experience the "warm feeling of meeting someone special". I think Shawn realizes how silly that notion is, but Corpanga are well known for tearing down the walls of Relationship Reality, so he goes along with it.

In the living room at Cory's house, Shawn is rocking out to some classical music that he found in The Purse. Cory points out that Shawn hates classical music, but Shawn explains that he just never gave it a chance. THE TRANSFORMATION HAS BEGUN.

I knew I recognized the music, and it took me a few minutes, but it's Vivaldi's Spring, at this part http://youtu.be/8eJoydTJDio?t=1m56s. And it does rock.

So let's talk about this. How do we feel about this changing Shawn? I definitely like this classical music part. Classical music obviously isn't something we associate with Shawn, but his response is still totally believable. He's not appreciating the, I don't know, the finer points of composition, he's just rocking out. I mean that's exactly what I do when I hear this song. If the goal is to make Shawn more mature or broaden his horizons, that is how they should do it, where they retain his goofiness.

Cory suggests that Shawn ditch all the air-violin, assuming it won't go over well with this Debbie person. Debbie and Topanga arrive, and Debbie... is an airhead. An airhead with no time for sonnets or Vivaldi. Even though everyone should love Vivaldi solely because of his name.

What a pleasant surprise though, that Debbie is played by Maggie Lawson, who I know as Juliet O'Hara on Psych.

Shawn and Debbie aren't getting along, so Shawn pulls some chocolate out of The Purse because he's a stress eater, apparently. Almost all of you know how this ends, that it's Angela's purse, so I'm confused why Topanga doesn't recognize it here. Probably just an oversight by the staff. Anyway Shawn is unhappy so he storms out of the house with The Purse. The point of this scene was that Debbie is the exact kind of girl Shawn was looking for in previous seasons, and now we're seeing firsthand that he's starting to want something more. And to turn down Maggie Lawson he's gotta be seriously caught up on this mystery girl.

At school the next day, Shawn is the bubbliest we've ever seen him. His best friend is perplexed, and Shawn claims to have that special tingly feeling that Cory gets with Topanga, and he feels it for the owner of The Purse.

Okay throw on the breaks, this train has reached its final destination in Crazytown. Fortunately, Cory isn't a dumbass in this episode. Even though he and Topanga did a totally bullcrap love thing in season 4, he thinks that Shawn's totally bullcrap love thing in this episode is nonsense. Shawn won't listen though.

At The Apartment, Eric's riding the elevator with Invisi-Feeny and we learn that Eric managed a B on the test, which is absolutely stunning. He gets home, and it turns out that Jack did worse than Eric on this test. Jack tries to talk to Fake-Feeny in probably the least funny scene with Jack to date. The camera is way too wide, Matthew Lawrence isn't into it at all, and the writing is lazy.

Shawn shows up at Cory's kitchen just as Cory completes a composite sketch of The Purse's owner, based on its contents.

I guess it does sort of look like Angela, with the brown curly hair. I'm not sure if they were trying to be cute there or not. Doesn't matter though, since The Purse's owner left a message at Shawn's apartment saying to meet her at Chubbie's so she can get it back.

Shawn's terrified of losing this tingly feeling. He doesn't want to look behind the curtain, so he says he's not gonna go to Chubbie's.

Shawn's hair looks fucking amazing right now... Hm? Oh, right, yeah, I wasn't expecting something so emotional here. That's pretty powerful stuff. We are fully aware of Shawn's abandonment issues, which we now know are only made worse by people abandoning his father as well. So he keeps his Two Week Rule to avoid reaching the point where he can be abandoned. And I think that's a great direction to take this. Shawn's abandonment issues are firmly grounded, we've seen them being built up from the very beginning. And now he's afraid of being abandoned by this girl he idolizes. Good stuff.

Topanga shows up, and still doesn't recognize the purse. You would think that Angela would have at least mentioned to Topanga that she lost her purse. Cory makes a speech about love and shit, and Shawn looks prepared to go to Chubbie's. It's extremely annoying how high Cory's high horse is when it comes to love. DON'T YOU WANT THIS SHAWN? THIS IS REAL LOVE. WE'RE SO HAPPY BLAH BLAH BLAH.

At The Apartment, Eric is abandoned by Feeny-Geist. He's leaving Eric on his own now, apparently heading out to Nevada. It's actually heart-breaking to watch.

That's Eric saying that second line, if you can't see it. He says it to himself, it's a real tear jerker.

Now we're at Chubbie's for the fateful meeting. Shawn puts on Vivaldi's Spring on the fucking jukebox, which I don't even need to comment on. A leg-tastic stunner of a woman walks down the stairs into Chubbie's, and it looks like she's here for The Purse. Her boyfriend comes in shortly after, and Shawn is still under the impression that she is the owner of The Purse, so he makes a bee line for the exit. Miss Legs picks up The Purse as the scene fades out.

At school, Shawn pretty much screams at Cory for telling him to put his heart on the line, now that he's completely crushed and in pain. All Cory can do is try to apologize, but Shawn storms off. Somebody with a lot of time should go back and count how many times I've said that Shawn storms off. At least twenty by now, surely.

...Oh. Well. It's not Angela's purse. That shows what the fuck I know about Boy Meets World. It was actually Legs's purse. That also explains why Topanga didn't recognize it. I'll own up to it and not go back and change what I wrote, but... crap... My memory failed me. Regardless, all of the contents of the purse were indeed Angela's, as we learn here in this last scene. And that's really what was important.

That's Legs McGee there on the right. I'll be saying this 90% of the time, but I have no idea what Angela's doing with her hair.

Much more important than all that is Topanga's expression during these events.

Yeah there's your new desktop background.

So Cory and Topanga are all excited now that they know Shawn's been falling in love with Angela's stuff, and we'll see how that plays out in Part 2.

During the credits, Jack is still trying to talk to Genie-Feeny. Eric says he'll help Jack study, and asks him a quiz question about Poe's The Raven.

That little head turn is perfect.

Plot: 0.5 - IIIIIII dunno what to give it, honestly. Am I biased because I already knew how it would turn out? On the other hand, is there anyone on Earth who wasn't able to figure out that it would be Angela? The beginning made it too obvious. I dunno. My feelings might be a lot different if I were seeing this for the first time.

Character Development: 1.0  - Just for "every time a woman walks out because he's not good enough." That's some serious crap right there. And Eric finally moving on from Feeny's assistance is pretty significant.

Humor: 1.0 - Even with Jack's short comings, the whole thing was still really funny. I've talked about this Cory/Shawn dynamic before, where Shawn is dealing with emotional stuff and Cory gets to be silly in the background. As usual, it worked wonderfully.

Life Lesson: 0 - Don't fall in love with a purse.

2.5 out of 4.0. Definitely better than I remember, but not great. Maybe it's the next one that's annoying.

Thanks for reading, see you Friday for Part 2.

All images used under Fair Use.

Episode 2x17 "On the Air" Revisited

While I was reviewing "No Guts No Cory" I realized that I can survive a review of anything. And I won't feel satisfied with this blog unless I've actually reviewed every episode. So let's do a real review of On the Air this time. Plus, the next episode of season 5 is annoying and I don't want to watch it.

Mister Feeny is at some sort of radio console in what appears to be a supply closet, along with a student wearing a sweater vest. He looks like his name is Melvin, which reminds me that it's actually Alvin. Feeny announces over the radio that they're re-booting the high school's radio program after ten years, and accidentally hits a button that starts producing pig noises, and the audience eats up that terrible humor like, well, pigs. Feeny starts playing some Michael Bolton, which really isn't that bad, but we cut to the lunchroom where Shawn is trying to cut through the room's loudspeaker's wire with a plastic knife. Turner puts a stop to their shenanigans, and offers some useful advice.

That speaks to a greater issue of people (especially adolescents) mindlessly complaining about shit without actually doing any work to try to change it. Shawn starts off as one of those types of people, initially resistant to Cory's excitement at Turner's suggestion. "I don't wanna do nothin'," he explains, and it really has some of that Boy Meets World essence that we love, where Cory is hatching a scheme and Shawn's tagging along for the ride. The difference between this and the Eric/Jack dynamic is that Cory's plans actually make sense, and Shawn generally provides input, and participates, rather than heckling from the sidelines the whole time.

 The next morning at breakfast, Eric tries to weasel some money out of his parents.

Either I'm losing my edge or Morgan actually says her lines pretty well in this scene. Regardless, Eric doesn't end up needing money because he gets a package from what is essentially Publishers Clearing House, saying he's won 10 million dollars and has to sign up for some magazine subscriptions or whatever. Eric falls for the scam and his parents don't try too hard to convince him otherwise. Sometimes it's just not worth the effort. Maybe this also serves to show the target audience how these scams work.

For reasons I cannot understand, Mister Feeny has allowed Cory and Shawn to do their little radio show, which is where we cut to next. They're interviewing a girl named Sarah from the student council about the bake sale to raise money for the school dance.

That's basically every first date I've ever had. Except Shawn Hunter isn't usually there.

Sarah is played by Hillary Tuck, who showed up again in the Disney World episode as a different character who totally could have just been the same character. She's also in episode 2x22 of House, and I love House, so I might have to watch that one. Okay I just watched the first few minutes, she's the main patient and it looks like a good episode. I don't actually remember how it ends.

So yeah this radio show is a piece of crap and nobody cares. Some kid calls in and starts speaking German, but Cory informs him that the German hour isn't until the next hour. A crushing disappointment. But then! A guy named Spencer calls in and tries to ask out Sarah. Cory wants to focus on the bake sale, but Shawn seizes the opportunity for some gossip radio. HOPEFULLY Sarah actually knows who this guy is, because she agrees to go out with him. Cory, ever the pragmatist, thinks the show is going to devolve into a bunch of lonely, thirsty guys trying to hit on girls (he is correct) but since this is a TV show, that's not what happens.

Sister you do not need to go on the radio to talk to boys. You could... sit at a ham radio and every guy in school would start learning Morse Code.

Cory declares the name of the show to be "Lunchtime Lust", and I'm honestly surprised they can say the word lust on this show. I think the girl in front there has the same acting coach as Candace Cameron with these eyebrows.

What is wrong with these people? Literally all she says in that gif is her name (Jasmine Fontana), and she raises her eyebrows four times. Well Sarah didn't do those eyebrow acrobatics, and that's why she got to be on House.

Anyway, Mister Feeny, shocked that Cory and Shawn aren't taking their responsibilities seriously, brings down the hammer.

He hasn't brought down a lot of hammers in season 5 so far. I hope that changes.

Later, Feeny's class ends and he announces that the next lesson will be on the Bill of Rights. Holy shit, Feeny's actually teaching history. The boys take this opportunity to try to assert their first amendment rights, and I'm honestly impressed they know what the first amendment is.

Oh Season 2 Shawn. You are a truly magnificent creature and I miss you.

Feeny doesn't give a great explanation for why Cory and Shawn are wrong, but I'm pretty sure it's because the first amendment only prevents the government from restricting your speech. Like you can't just go into Wal Mart and start yelling the N word and expect to get away with it, but you won't go to jail for it. It's the same with that Duck Dynasty guy and Donald Sterling. They're allowed by law to say whatever they want, but the TV network and the NBA can (and did) dole out whatever punishment they want.

In the hallway, Jasmine Fontana tells the boys that she and all the other girls "in the locker room" want them back on the air, and they resolve to do just that. They look to Mister Turner to help them achieve their goal.

He thinks they screwed up their earlier opportunity, and is reluctant to help. But they wear him down on the condition that they promise not to go near the radio station while he tries to smooth things over with Feeny. Turner walks off and the boys immediately dismiss everything he said. Classic. They see Alvin in the hallway and grab him to go steal some radio equipment. Alvin claims to have put the station together, but that's a lie because Feeny said it had been there for ten years.

Turner goes to talk to Feeny, and manages to get a second chance for Shawn and Cory using the same sort of awesome teacher mentality that we talked about in 5x04 with Schopenhauer.

Also Feeny makes a joke about banging Turner's aunt. Unfortunately, just as Feeny says he'll think about it, the intercom blasts some electric guitar as Cory and Shawn resurrect their show. The extras in the hallway are super excited about this radio show for some reason. Cory and Shawn play a little dance music and everybody starts dancing in their faded blue jeans.

I wonder what that guy's up to nowadays. I hope this was his big break.

Feeny and Turner maneuver their way through the mosh pit hallways searching for the boys, but can't find them (they checked the radio room first, obviously). But Shawn is dumb and makes a comment about a bucket, so Feeny ultimately finds them and a kidnapped Alvin in the janitor's closet.

Season 2 Shawnnnnnnnnn. Come back to meeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Feeny takes them to Mister Turner, who's waiting in the radio room for some reason. He makes another attempt at explaining the 1st amendment, but it's still not great. He says "the 1st amendment does not give you the right to turn the school into a rave", which is true, but doesn't really hit that core idea I was talking about earlier. He asks the boys why they wanted to be on the radio so badly and sneakily flips on the radio microphones. Cory talks about how they were just trying to find their place since everyone else seems to have their identities figured out. They go on to explain that they feel lost, and these ideas really resonate with the extras in the hallways, indicated by them standing up and looking at the loudspeakers.

They get a bunch of callers, and even Feeny calls in commending Turner on his expert handling of a difficult situation. Recall that Feeny's solution was to just kick them off the air, but Turner channeled their passion for working the radio into something productive.

THOUGHT I FORGOT, DIDN'T YA?

Guess that makes Turner the winner. They didn't really do any opposing philosophy stuff in season 3, and Turner was barely in season 4. If I'm missing anything though, definitely leave a comment.

During the credits, the Publishers Clearing House guys, led by Robin Leach (who isn't actually the guy who does that) show up at the door with the ten million dollar check. The joke is that the check is actually for their neighbor. Leach hosted "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous", and talks about the Matthews home like he's doing that show, which was culturally funny in 1994, but it's sort of lost now.

*Edit* That episode of House WAS really good. The second season is probably my favorite.

Plot: 0.75 - It's solid. Eric's story is pretty dumb, but it doesn't take up much time. I'm so glad they gave Eric an actual story arc in seasons 3 and 4, these little nothings got old quick. The notion of a radio station at a school (outside of like, morning announcements) seems pretty strange to me, but who cares. It was fun.

Character Development: 0.5 - Not much to speak of, but we got to see some conflicting philosophy between our favorite teachers. And the vulnerability/lostness of Cory and Shawn is interesting but not exactly new.

Humor: 0.75 - Season 2 Shawn, yo.

Life Lesson: 0.5 - I appreciate the decision to deal with the 1st amendment, but they reaaaaaaaaally could have explained it better.

2.5 out of 4.0. I must have had a bee in my bonnet the first time I tried to tackle this episode. It's definitely not that bad. I enjoyed the whole thing. And we can all finally pretend that that abomination I wrote the first time doesn't exist. But I'll keep it up, because I'm an artist, and you gotta own up to that sort of thing.

No badges, but that's fine, it was still a good episode.

Thanks for reading, see you Wednesday for the one where Shawn digs through Angela's purse.

All images used under Fair Use.

Episode 5x06 "No Guts, No Cory"

Nahhh, let's just skip this one.

Quick history/context lesson, feel free to skip: so, this episode aired on November 7th, 1997. The TGIF lineup at the time was Sabrina -> Boy Meets World -> You Wish -> Teen Angel. I have no idea what those last two are. Apparently You Wish was like a watered down, family-oriented remake of I Dream of Jeannie. TV Guide called it "Hammy, artificial, and altogether excruciating," and it was taken off the air after its seventh episode.  Teen Angel was created by two writers/producers from The Simpsons, but it still sucked really bad and was cancelled after 17 episodes. The point is, these four series tried to be cute together on November 7th 1997. In the Sabrina episode, her cat Salem swallows a "time ball" and sends Sabrina back to Mad Men times. Then on Boy Meets World, Salem is wandering the halls of John Adams High, Cory picks him up, and they go back to early 1940's just after the US joined WWII. It makes even less sense if you didn't know about the Sabrina episode, so that's why I wrote all this. And just for completeness, You Wish went back to the 50's, and Teen Angel to 1976. Lesson over.

So Feeny's wrapping up a lesson about Pearl Harbor, and then Cory and Topanga walk out to the hallway together. Apparently Topanga's grandparents got engaged on Pearl Harbor day (December 7th 1941), and they were about Cory and Topanga's age. Shawn does this unfunny bit about actually paying attention in class. Salem the cat wanders over and Cory picks him up, musing "I wonder what it was like during World War II."  So now we're there.

I guess we already saw in 5x05 that Boy Meets World and Sabrina exist in the same universe, so we've at least slightly built up to the idea of Salem being here. But I guess they also share a universe with Teen Angel and You Wish. We already knew we had a god from Cult Fiction, and Teen Angel confirms that, but also witches and genies. Very rich lore, here in the Boy Meets World universe. 

 But I'm the only one who cares about that shit, so let's move on. Apparently it is exactly Pearl Harbor day as Feeny walks into the hall and announces from, I guess it's a telegram, that the US has entered the war, although without mention of Pearl Harbor being attacked. Shawn strolls up and announces that he's going to go enlist in the army and asks Cory to come with him. Don't worry Cory, you probably would have been drafted anyway. ...Then the theme song plays, which is... weird timing.... 

At home, everything has been 50's-ified. We learn that Cory did indeed enlist and Eric, well, he tried.

 Topanga arrives, and is horrified to learn that Cory's going to war. At Chubbie's (or whatever it is right now) there's a bunch of army guys in their uniforms having a grand ol time, and some women are singing Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy, a song that I actually know because we danced to it fairly often at my high school's Swing Club. We see that our boys have the Big Red One of the 1st Infantry Division, who were ultimately the first to land on Omaha Beach in Normandy on D-Day. So that's pretty cool.

Jack shows up, he is also in the 1st. So everybody's going except Feeny and Eric. There really isn't a whole lot to talk about here. Feeny wishes them all good luck or whatever, and tells them to write an essay on their "summer in Europe", even though it's December. It's time to leave and it looks like Alan is leading the Big Red One, but Topanga arrives on the scene and Cory wants a quick word with her.

Those lips were made for the 40's. He proposes and she says yes.

At The War, everybody's hanging up mementos of their loved ones and Jack's got a giant framed picture of Eric. It's funny on its own, but they milk the "everyone thinks he's gay" thing way too hard. Like, yeah, we get the implication, you don't need to throw it in our faces. It would have been way more funny if they kept it subtle. Mail arrives and Cory gets a perfumey letter from Topanga, and it's just some romancey stuff. Yawn. The sound effects of combat begin, and before they rush out to fight Cory tells Shawn to marry Topanga in his stead if he dies. It's really overly dramatic, this whole thing is trying really hard to be dramatic, like the worst thing that happened in World War 2 was that some guys didn't make it back to their girlfriends. 

Well it was only a matter of time until they made that joke. Amy is sad about missing her kids, but it's hard to give a shit since none of this actually matters. At least we get to see Eric do this thing.

Inside the house, Salem is trying to call Sabrina on the phone, but she doesn't answer.

Back at The War, we're in a foxhole with the soldiers and we're supposed to feel bad for Cory some more. They turn on the radio and learn that the war in Europe has ended, which happened in April and early May of 1945. I guess Salem's been trying to call Sabrina for several years now. So Shawn, Cory, and Alan all survived the Normandy invasion (which is obviously not mentioned). Cory is an idiot so he rushes out of the foxhole to go back to Philly and is promptly blown up by a low budget explosion. The audience doesn't laugh, so once again we're going for heavy handed drama and it's just boringggggggg. I understand that we're in a war here, but I mean M.A.S.H was funny and interesting and set in a war, so it's definitely possible.

At home, everyone's having trouble with the lack of a Cory, and Shawn decides it's time to propose to Topanga like he promised. She slaps him, but then accepts when he says it's what Cory wanted. But he's still getting some disapproving glares from everyone else.

Woah now, that's a little racy for ABC. But it's also very Shawn. It's one of the very few funny moments in this episode.

Amy is certain that Cory's still out there, and asks Eric to go to Europe to find him. Once again, the audience doesn't laugh when I feel like they should. Now we're in Paris, where a beatnik looking Cory is making out with some "French" woman in a restaurant. He's got amnesia. 

Apparently Cory has a dream every night about some girl, but he doesn't remember who she is. This is really boring. Shawn and Topanga are about to get married, Eric and Jack find Cory here in Paris, and the French girl wants to marry Cory.

I'm not leaving anything out here, Topanga literally just shows up at the restaurant in France in her wedding dress, and awakens Cory's memory with a big ol kiss. Even though the entire duration of World War II has passed, the characters are all back at high school during the credits. 40's Cory is about to propose to 40's Topanga again for some reason, and then we jump back to 1997 and I still understand nothing.

Plot: 0 - Garbage.

Character Development: 0 -  Garbage.

Humor: 0.5 - A recycling bin.

Life Lesson: 0 - A garbage truck.

0.5 out of 4.0. Don't even think of wasting your time with this monstrosity. MAYBE if Sabrina showed up at some point it could have been at least remotely enjoyable, but that didn't happen. This might be the worst episode in the entire series. And not even the good kind of bad, like the one with the cherry bomb. I can't even get mad about how bad this is, I'm just depressed and disappointed. Not bad like a Michael Bay film where at least there's explosions and shit, just mindlessly empty and bland. This episode is an unsalted, stale cracker.

Thanks for reading I guess. See you Monday.

All images used under Fair Use.

Episode 5x05 "The Witches of Pennbrook"

This aired on October 31st, it's a Halloween episode. I don't have great memories of this one, but it can't be worse than Who's Afraid of Cory Wolf.

Eric is trying to drag Jack out to a club to meet women, and Eric's got his "I'm a real wacky guy" face on, so it's business as usual. Except when Jack claims that he's "uncomfortable picking up girls". Is that so, Jacky boy? Your beach-chair-in-the-hallway from last episode with the sole purpose of picking up girls says otherwise.  At the 1:20 mark, we're presented with Candace Cameron, who we all know as DJ Tanner from Full House. What the hell is she doing on my show? Eric tries to hit on her, but she's much more interested in Jack and introduces herself as "Millie from 3b".

THAT AIN'T FULL HOUSE. There are more hormones in this one scene than in Full House's entire run.

It cuts to Eric returning from the club later (alone, of course) and he immediately takes off his pants and heads over to his computer. ...Yeah, that sounds about right. But when he pulls up the blinds on the window (you know, like everyone does right before they JERK IT), he spies Jack and Millie rounding first base on the balcony. DEFINITELY NOT FULL HOUSE.

I think they just taped a piece of paper over that computer screen.

Eric, oblivious to social cues, decides to go out to the balcony to say hi to Millie. This is a great example of what a terrible actress Candace Cameron is. She's another of what I like to call "Eyebrow Actors." Do you see these eyebrows? I cut out the rest of the scene there, just look at that shit. SIX eyebrow-raises in TWO sentences. WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS NIGHTMARE.

If you can't read those over-acting lips, she's saying "It's very important for me to have Jack. Don't get in my way."

The next day, Eric and Jack are doing some stretching exercises in their living room when Millie shows up. She claims that she was up all night thinking about Jack, and he isn't terrified by that for some reason. She wants to eat breakfast with Jack on the balcony, but the boys were about to go for a run. Jack puts ho before bro, and we remember that Shawn also lives here when he comes out to give them "Rocky hats" for their jog. Eric heads out on his own, and Millie expresses interest in the fact that Shawn is "another Hunter".

Anybody watch Supernatural? Witches and Hunters? That's kinda funny. Anyway.

Millie has invited her gothy friends over to see the balcony, and no one has a problem with that. Later, Eric is watching a scary movie by himself when Millie comes into the apartment with a set of keys Jack made for her. Is there an implied time skip there or is Jack just insane? Either way, Eric can smell the trouble but Jack's thinking with the wrong head, if you know what I mean.

Yeah see these guys know how to use their eyebrows properly. Especially Will Friedle, he's got that single brow raise on LOCK, at the very end there. Eric's character development is practically nonexistent this season, but they definitely still know how to write his humor... except for the last episode... Anyway Jack's still not listening.

Back at home, Cory and Topanga are discussing their weekend trip to Pittsburgh, to visit Topanga's parents. It's like a five hour drive from Philly to Pittsburgh, but Cory decided to buy plane tickets instead. Topanga is apparently terrified of flying and Cory sort of makes fun of her for that. It is not exciting.

It's Candace Cameron o'clock again, and she's chanting some stupid spell on Jack's balcony with candles and scarves and shit. I just can't take her seriously.

Why do they have a potted tree growing on their balcony?

Eric overhears Millie literally talking to Satan, and confronts her, but just then Jack comes home with "the pizza". Millie slaps Eric and now any one of us can write the rest of this scene. "He came onto me!" "How could you do that man!" "She's evil man!" "You're just jealous man! We're not friends anymore!"

Yeah that was a pretty spot on prediction, but Eric is able to make it pretty funny.

Eric makes Jack choose between them, and of course Jack chooses the one with the boobs. Will does a fantastic job of carrying an otherwise cringe-tastic scene, it's actually really funny. At the end though, Millie states that she is moving in to the apartment. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Oh, "she's only staying for a few days, she's having trouble with her roommates." Fine. Eric makes one last (hilarious) attempt at convincing Jack, but to no avail. Shawn tries his hand as well.

That's such a Shawn thing to say, you know? Like "Oh, there's a witch staying in our apartment. Huh. I wonder what Cory's up to..."

This second opinion convinces Jack to confront Millie, and she admits to being a witch, but plays it off like it's no big deal. Like if you meet someone who claimed to be Wiccan or whatever, and they're like "oh it's just a belief system~". Anyway it looks like Millie has cast some sort of spell on Jack as he's all wide eyed and expressionless as she tells him they'll be hosting a party the next night.

It is now the next night, All Hallow's Eve. But it's not time for the party just yet. Cory and Topanga board their airplane, one of those reeeeeeeeeal small mini planes, but Cory claims it's a real airline.

Their pilot is named Dexter Jorgensen, who recognizes Cory's name and comments that he went to school with Eric. In fact, Eric tutored Dexter, so this guy's a real dumb dumb. It's all a mish mash of things for Topanga to be afraid of, all they need is a gremlin on the wing.

In The Backyard, Feeny gives pocket thesauruses instead of candy to Morgan and her pals. Hell, I'd take a pocket thesaurus. That's awesome. Eric shows up asking Mister Feeny if he can sleep at his place. He immediately says no, but he is curious why Eric is asking.

Feeny advises Eric to find a way to make Jack "hear him", but it hardly matters at this point since Jack is well aware that Millie is a witch.

On the plane, Cory uses an extremely archaic cell phone to call Feeny asking about Jorgensen (since he was a classmate of Eric's). Feeny tells him not to get on the plane, but ends the call by saying he'll probably be fine. WHICH IS IT, OLD MAN?

And now Topanga is flying the plane.

Yeah that's Dexter Jorgensen. You wouldn't want him flying your plane either.

This whole flying thing feels really uninspred and by-the-book. Topanga was afraid? Now Cory's afraid! What a twist! At least Cory is still funny. The Matthews brothers are on fire today.

NOW it's time for that occult party Millie was talking about.

As soon as this scene started, I had to pause the video and just laugh hysterically for a good 30 seconds. You have to hear it to really understand, but I mean, it looks fucking ridiculous, for starters, but all the extras are making this "wooOOooo" sound, and it's so unenthusiastic and phoned-in, so absolutely terrible that I just broke down and laughed. Please try to watch this part. What's great is that the audience isn't laughing, so it's not intentionally terrible.

That was the best thing I've ever seen. Holy shit. That's an Emmy. Emmys everywhere.

Shawn is having a grand ol' time at this shindig though, because that's what Shawn does. And that's why we love him.

You can't NOT love him.

Jack tries to break up with Millie, but she is apparently now Ushkar, Queen of Malevolence, Daughter of Evil. Ushkar and the extras tie up Shawn and Jack. Allegedly they need some star to shine into their special crystal, and the apartment's balcony is the perfect place for that to happen. The crystal will reflect the light onto Shawn and Jack and kill them as a sacrifice to Satan or Hades or whoever. BUT WAIT!

Eric searches the book for a "counter-spell", but the ritual completes just as he says "ah here it is". The light beam from the crystal hits Eric and does nothing because (according to Eric) he's wearing SPF 50. I can't really tell if that's what the book says is the counterspell, to just wear sunscreen, but that's funnier than Eric lucking into it so let's go with that.

What was the point of Feeny's advice though? Seriously, all Feeny said was to "make him hear you", and that's not what Eric did. At all. That's unusual.

SHE JUST CAN'T CONTROL HER EYEBROWS.

Jack has actually made me laugh a few times this episode, so that's new and exciting. The witches all leave, Eric and Jack reconcile, due mostly to Eric's big ol heart, and they go off searching for a new party.

During the credits, Eric and Melissa Joan Hart are hanging out on the balcony and eventually go out for a bite to eat. It's "funny" because, as we all know, Melissa played Sabrina the Teenage Witch, which was in its third season (read as: it wasn't garbage yet) on ABC when this episode aired. For anyone wondering, it was the fifth season of Sabrina where she went to college and nobody cared anymore. Also, it's very obvious how much better Melissa Joan Hart is at acting than Candace Cameron.

I definitely had a big ol' crush on Sabrina. I think everybody did. We never see Cory and Topanga and Dexter Jorgensen again, so it's implied that they all died because Topanga doesn't know how to fly a plane.

Plot: 0.75 - It's obviously not, like, the Breaking Bad kind of good plot, but they were looking for a silly holiday themed story, and in that respect it works. It works a lot better than Cory Wolf. Or maybe it's just because Sabrina was in it.

Character Development: 0.75 - Jack and Eric have their friendship tested, and they end up even stronger friends than before.

Humor: 1.0 - Yeah it's definitely really funny. Watch it just for the humor. Even Cory's side story has its moments.

Life Lesson: 0 - Nothin really to take away from this one, it was just for fun. And that's perfectly fine.

2.5 out of 4.0. Like I said, watch it for the humor. It's an easy watch from start to finish and I thoroughly enjoyed it. And that "woOOooo" part, oh my god. Definitely watch that.

Thanks for reading, see you Friday.

All images used under Fair Use.