Episode 1x07 "Grandma Was a Rolling Stone"

Mr. Feeny, the sly fox that he is, has tricked Cory and Shawn into cleaning snails out of his garden but Alan rescues them. They all talk about fishing and Mr. Feeny tells a boring old story, prompting an interesting insight into Alan's character:

This is the sort of thing you only see in hindsight, and there's no way the writers were thinking far enough ahead, but there are a solid amount of episodes further in the series in which Alan struggles with getting older and with his children moving on. And those are fantastic episodes. So this clip gave us a little precursor to some of the trials Alan will be facing as time goes on. It's fun to see things like that, even if they're not deliberate. Alan really is one of the stronger characters in the early episodes and William Russ is a great actor. He's guest starred on The Mentalist, Leverage, and Criminal Minds (among other things), which I love, so it was exciting to see him pop up on those shows. 

The titular Grandma (Alan's mother) arrives at the Matthews house and we're treated to the worst thing you can ever do in a sitcom ever. 

                                      

That's THIRTEEN seconds of clapping while the actors look around at each other without saying anything. That is what I would do if I were trying to parody a bad sitcom. Poe's Law, I guess. I don't even know who this actress is. Let's look it up. Oh okay, her name is Rue McClanahan and she had a lead role on Golden Girls which concluded the year before this episode aired. I guess that's a pretty big deal. Still, this is an obnoxious thing to do. 

So Grandma Matthews gives everyone gifts and promises to buy Morgan more clothes than she'll know what to do with. Morgan's unusually eloquent response is that she'll "wear them and then throw them on the floor." That is far and away the most brilliant thing Morgan has ever said and I don't think she'll be able to top it. I'd like to put the video here but my software is incapable of dealing with clips that short. 

Yes that's right folks, I'm test driving the actual text tool in Paint instead of writing them with the paintbrush. The paintbrush adds a layer of silliness to the reviews, but hopefully I can convey the silliness through tone and diction, allowing pictures such as this to give off a sort of mock-seriousness. If that makes any sense, congratulations. Moving on. 

Corey makes plans with his Grandma that weekend, bailing on the fishing trip with Shawn and his father. 

Mr. Feeny's niece is coming to town so he asks Eric what girls in his age group do for fun. This is the first time I've laughed in this episode (9 minutes in) and both Will Friedle and William Daniels show their aptitude for timing and facial expressions so it's worth showing the clip.  If you watch the bite marks on Eric's pizza, it looks like they had to do some of these shots multiple times and/or in a weird order.

                                       

Eric hits on Feeny's niece. I wouldn't, but it's 1993 and people like big hair for some reason. Grandma Matthews is MIA so Cory's stuck at home while Shawn and his dad are being manly ass men on the fishing trip. Eric pretty much owns the spotlight until Shawn and Alan get back. I'm going to award a Humor_Eric Badge (read: humor-sub-Eric badge) now because he's carrying this episode on his back. I think the writers have a stockpile of high quality Eric jokes that they're only allowed to bust out when everything else in an episode is doodoo. They probably spent the whole budget for this episode on Rue McClanahan's 4 or 5 lines and couldn't afford to do anything interesting.

Eric seals the deal despite his jeans+jean jacket and tucked in shirt, a quite serious faux pas, and claims that she's the most incredible girl he's ever kissed. This is absurd since Heather was a red-haired Aphrodite, but again it's the early 90's so no one knows what they're talking about.

You know, she actually kind of looks like the girl from the music video for Mr. Brightside. Compare her face/hair at the beginning of the gif to this:

They are not the same person, but it turns out that Feeny's niece, played by Keri Russell, has had a pretty decent career. The only role that I know of though is on Scrubs, where she played Elliot's sorority sister Melody, who showed up when Elliot was about to marry Keith. (I love Scrubs.) So J.D. and Eric Matthews are Eskimo brothers, sort of, which is awesome. YOU'RE NOT GONNA GET THIS LEVEL OF INSIGHT ANYWHERE ELSE, FOLKS. 

Alan consoles his son by explaining that Grandma Matthews has always been a huge flake, but when she does follow through, she does so in spectacular fashion. Interestingly enough, this describes 95% of the women I've dated in the last few years. Is Alan telling us that that's acceptable behavior? Or just that sometimes you have to deal with it? It's not very clear. Then Granny Maffyoos shows up because what else was going to happen. She tries apologizing to Cory and makes an empty promise about "next time", but words are wind folks, and it doesn't sound like Cory buys it. Good for you Cory, that's a genuinely important lesson to learn, that flakes are gonna flake. That's pretty much the end, but I want you guys to look at Mr. Feeny's outfit here for a second, does it look familiar? 

He looks like Walter White! Walt was always wearing his beige jacket and beige pants, which I only remember because it looks so stupid. 

Irrefutable proof that Walt's wardrobe is based on Feeny's. 

So yeah. I wish I could give negative points for plot. I liked that part at the beginning with Alan, and Eric is becoming more of a ladies' man, so .5 for character development. 1 for humor_Eric, and .25 for life lesson since Cory might not expect things from flaky people anymore.

1.75/4 with a Humor_Eric Badge. Pretty awesome badge, honestly. 

Thanks for reading, see you Wednesday.

All clips and images used under Fair Use.

Episode 1x06 "Boys II Mensa"

Rider Strong did an interview earlier this week about how the Cory+Good-Hair friendship wasn't really established before they filmed a few episodes. The interview gives some possible answers to the question of why no one has said his character's name yet in the show, and also why Black-Hair was only around for a few episodes. Good read. http://www.cnn.com/2013/11/06/showbiz/tv/boy-meets-world-rider-strong/index.html?hpt=en_c2

This episode's title is a play on the R&B group Boyz II Men and the organization which currently holds the record for scamming the largest number of smart people, Mensa.

The most thorough way to describe the pre-credits scene is "not funny". Cory is wearing a clown nose in class, which is supposed to be funny somehow. Looks like the guy behind Cory knows how dumb this is. To put it in perspective, the hip-hop skeleton in the background ISN'T the dumbest thing about this scene. I just checked Wikipedia and don't worry friends, the person who wrote this episode only wrote one other episode for the rest of the series.

Is it a reference? Why is Cory surprised when Mr. Feeny gets annoyed? I just have no idea. Topanga and Black-Hair aren't in class, Bad-Hair is here though. That's fun.

That afternoon Cory and Good-Hair finish their respective detentions and find "answers to a test" in a garbage can. Good-Hair gets a mischievous look on his face, but oh darn, they're just the answers for "that stupid IQ exam we're taking tomorrow". Good-Hair wants to throw the answers back in the trash, but Cory decides to keep and memorize them. Do I even need to explain how impossible this setup is? This episode is... not off to a good start...

Predictably, Cory gets a perfect score, Minkus is sad, and Feeny makes a way-too-big deal out of it so anyone who's seen the past  5 episodes knows that the old man is trolling Cory right now. Cory and Good-Hair think Feeny is serious, which almost makes them as dumb as the plot. At the Matthews house Morgan wants to get her Halloween costume and Eric is willing to go with her because he's a cool guy, I guess. Good-Hair and Cory show up just in time to suspiciously rush past everyone prompting the abridged version of this review from the minor Matthews characters: 

Also Amy is apparently in the real-estate business, we'll see how long that keeps up. So Mr. Feeny wants to have dinner with Cory's parents to talk about how their child is a genius. Cory decides his best option is to start acting like a genius around the house so that his parents might actually believe the whole con. What happens next is not pretty. I apologize for putting you through this but you need to understand what I'm working with here. 

Back at school, Cor- OH SHIT. 

LIGHT. 

THE FUCKING. 

BEACONS.

Cory finally calls Good-Hair by his name, which I'm sure you all know is Shawn. Cory says it with such emphasis too. What a triumph. I'm glad that's settled, I was tired of ranting about it. 

His hair is still good though. Look at that shit. Is that worth a character development badge? Naming the show's lieutenant? Let's go with a "Good-Hair's Name is Shawn" Bonus Badge instead. Anywho, Mr. Feeny takes Cory out of class to the lunchroom for a private chat, presumably because the cafeteria is the only other set they've built for the school. The master troll informs Cory that he'll be transferred to a special school for geniuses, a place where fun does not exist. Cory and Shawn (God that feels good to say) are in Cory's room and the curly hair blames the wavy hair for getting him into this whole mess. 

It's not even remotely Shawn's fault, but I'll take any excuse to make that gif. Now some stuck up woman with a fake posh-British accent has come over to evaluate Cory's IQ in person. Cory convinces his parents and the 60 year old Mary Poppins that he's not a genius by admitting to having cheated on the original test. Alan and Amy never actually believed Cory was a genius, they just wanted Cory to confess or tell the truth or whatever. Amy also tells Cory that he "never has to try to be something [he's] not". It's like they're just cramming these morals in at the end here, but they have nothing to do with the actual story. It's all an unusual take on the lie-that-gets-out-of-control formula. Usually telling the truth is hard because the lie is beneficial and the truth detrimental, but here Cory saves his own ass by telling the truth. There was no point to anything that happened. We do get a meaningful exchange between Mr. Feeny and Cory at the end though.

I know what you're thinking, and no, that is unfortunately not the last sleeveless hoodie we're going to see on Boy Meets World.

Also Mr. Feeny gives out rulers on Halloween instead of candy. 

ISN'T THAT FUNNY??!?!!?

0 points for humor, 0 for plot, 0 for life lesson, .75 for character development since we learned Shawn's name and we got to see a little more of Feeny's philosophy on teaching. 

.75/4 with a "Shawn's Name" Bonus Badge.

This was the worst episode so far. I would much rather not be harsh since harshness is less fun to read (and write), but you can watch it for yourselves and see there really isn't anything here. 

It's hard to write words with the paintbrush in Paint.

Seeeeeeeeee you Monday.

All clips and images used under Fair Use.

Episode 1x05 "Killer Bees"

Guess what? Stuart Awesome Minkus got the highest score in the class on the geography exam. Cory Matthews got a C. Cory claims to have studied, and Mr. Feeny points out that the textbook is outdated, as it still has Germany separated by the Berlin Wall. That is some serious BS, folks. It's not Cory's fault. You're a dick, Feeny.

I'm going to assume that the airing order for the first handful of episodes was somewhat arbitrary because Topanga isn't in her seat. It's also odd, now that I think about it, that she appeared out of nowhere in episode 4, yet everyone acted like she'd always been there.

It's time for the Regional Geography Tournament. That might sound like a completely made up plot device but we had a Geography Bee at my middle school, so I'm okay with it. Black-Hair is sitting behind Minkus in this scene, supporting the notion that the episodes aired in a different order than they were filmed. Mr. Feeny has chosen the school's chief badass, Stuart Minkus, to be their representative. But wouldn'tcha just know it, the grand prize of the tournament is something Cory wants, which is to be the bat boy at the World Series. That's pretty fucking ridiculous. Cory tries a little brown-nosing, but Mama Feeny ain't raise no fool.

Later at the Matthews house, the side story begins. Eric is taking his girl Heather on a date to see Aerosmith, but incidentally his parents are going too. I don't know why this bothers Eric, there's almost no chance they'll be anywhere near each other at the concert, but let's go with it. Side note, Boy Meets World makes some bizarre wardrobe choices. Eric's shirt might fit someone twice his size. And that spot on his neck makes one's imagination wander. 

 Morgan does some things that are almost funny, which is astonishing. Cory, Good-Hair, and Black-Hair have kidnapped Minkus and brought him up to Cory's room. The guys try to get Minkus to give up his position in the Geography Tournament by explaining that being a nerd is dumb. It's a funny scene, but more important is that this scene shows why Cory, Good-Hair, and Minkus are permanent characters while Black-Hair gets shown the door. Acting is more than just saying your lines out loud, Black-Hair. 

Poor Minkus caves to peer pressure and drops out. Cory and Feeny banter and eventually Feeny caves to Cory pressure. We're about halfway now, and honestly guys this episode is boring as balls. 

Cory's studying pretty hard and starting to act nerdy. In the poorly-delivered words of Black-Hair, "he's mutating, man." And he's not the only one. Even if the rest of the episode is terrible, at least we get to see this. 

It's time for the Geography Tournament and Mr. Feeny shows Cory how to relax his shoulders.

That is the best gif I have ever made. 

Cory knows nothing and ultra-loses. Back at home, we finally get to see Heather. Game reco'nize game boys and girls, and Eric Matthews has got game. 

Eric and his parents sort things out but who gives a shit because look at Heather. Pretty Redhead Bonus Badge. She sort of looks like Van Pelt from The Mentalist. She's played by an actress named Nikki Cox who clearly got some unfortunate plastic surgery some number of years after filming this scene. Google image search if you dare, but I recommend against it.

Back at school, Minkus has returned to being a nerd and Feeny's not too upset about Cory losing the Geography Tournament. Turns out that Cory aced the most recent geography exam since he learned all that stuff preparing for the tournament. I guess they have a geography exam every week or something. Is that the lesson this episode? That hard work has unintended benefits? Pretty underwhelming. There was a chance for Minkus to do some growing, maybe learn about himself and realize that being smart is worth getting picked on a little bit. Heck, I'm sure a speech from Mr. Feeny about that could have jerked a tear or two from me. Instead, Minkus just decides he's done with his giant pants. Not a whole lot to praise here. And they still haven't said Good-Hair's name.

0 for plot, 0 for life lesson, .75 for humor, and 0 for character development. 

.75/4 with a Heather Badge.

Clips and images used under Fair Use.

Episode 1x04 "Cory's Alternative Friends"

It's week two. Let's jam.

The students in Mr. Feeny's class have paired up to give presentations on environmental issues. Cory and his best pal Good-Hair give a pretty hilarious presentation, but it's also pretty nonsensical so Feeny's not happy.

Mr. Feeny blames himself for allowing the school's worst students to pair up and thus lets them try again with different partners. He pairs Good-Hair with Minkus, and Cory with a character we haven't met before, Topanga Lawrence (we hear her first and last names in this scene). This doesn't make sense. Wouldn't Minkus and Topanga already have partners/already have done their presentations? I don't like it. It's like they don't WANT a plot badge. Anyway, in this process Mr. Feeny calls Good-Hair "Mr. Hunter", but we still don't know his first name. 

Maybe the writers were still trying to decide what to name him? The characters' names aren't in the credits either, so... I should tweet at Rider Strong and see if he knows.

Regardless, we learn that Topanga's gimmick (at least for the time being) is that she's weird. She asks to check Cory's energies to see if they're compatible partners. Topanga is essentially a second Morgan here. Her "weird" lines get a lot of laughs the way that Morgan's "cute" lines get laughs, but the only times I'm laughing are when Cory is sarcastic toward her (as with Morgan). 

Cory is pretty funny. I think that my own sense of humor was influenced heavily by this show. It's awesome that Ben Savage nailed this kind of delivery and timing at such a young age.

It turns out that some girls don't want an unnamed "brillo head" (a hair based name! I could have been a writer for this show) to come to their party. Cory overhears, and we all assume they're talking about him. If it turns out that they were talking about someone else, I'm going to redact my Not Being a Predictable, Shitty Sitcom Badge from episode 2. Well that sets the stage for this episode, Cory is insecure about his hair. Cory and Good-Hair chat about their projects, and Good-Hair has his most insightful line so far in the series.

Now we're at the Matthews house and Morgan does a bit. The crowd goes "hahaha" then "awww" then "hahahah". It hurts. 

Cory and Topanga are working on their project. Topanga wants Cory to read poetry while she does an interpretive dance. This bit is actually really relevant like 5 seasons from now, so remember this image. 

Cory is a little bitch about the whole thing and Topanga gives the "you shouldn't care what people think" speech. Yawn. 

Good-Hair arrives and forces Topanga out the door. How is she supposed to get home, Good-Hair? It's 1993, she doesn't have a cell phone. That was a dick move. Now Topanga has to wander home looking like a mental patient.

Good-Hair has come over to chemically straighten Cory's hair, having obtained the product from his alleged sister Stacy. Naturally, they don't follow the instructions and Cory looks ridiculous. Stacy doesn't actually exist outside of this one episode, so I'm going to conclude that Good-Hair made her up from the beginning and is just masterfully trolling Cory because it's funny. 

This whole scene is pretty funny, thanks in large part to Will Friedle, who plays Eric. He's got some great timing and facial expressions here. I would really like to see more of him in the early seasons. Imagine if they cut Morgan out and gave all of that screen time to Eric. Alas.

Now it's time to give the presentation and Cory still looks silly. Everyone laughs at him except Topanga, prompting that touching clarinet music. 

Cory sits with the "losers" at lunch since Good-Hair and someone else who honestly might be Bad-Hair are making fun of him, and the losers aren't laughing. 

I fucking love this kid playing the keyboard. That's literally all he does in this scene. Doesn't say a word, just plays his keyboard like a boss. 2nd favorite behind Minkus. The losers are trying to get a petition signed to help save the job of some teacher we'll never hear about again. Cory gets the idea to make a human chain blocking what must be the only exit in the entire school in order to force people to sign their petition. It works. Topanga is very grateful for Cory's efforts, and thinks it would be fun and enlightening for Cory's first kiss to be at a time when he looks ridiculous. 

Cory is handcuffed from being part of the human chain, not because Topanga is kinky. Or maybe it's both, I don't know. Look at that bad ass water fountain. 

The kiss setup is actually really well done. Cory's awkward about it but Topanga's pretty damn smooth. I definitely wasn't sold on the "appearance isn't a big deal" theme of this episode until this kiss. It wasn't sappy, it wasn't corny, it wasn't uncomfortable. A well placed kiss in a sitcom is frustratingly difficult to find, but they pulled it off here. This scene also moves Topanga much further away from Morgan and much closer to Minkus on the character scale, and the relationship between Cory and Topanga is central to the series, so I'm willing to throw down a Character Development Badge. 

During the end credits, we find out that the girls from earlier were not in fact talking about Cory when they said "brillo head". Godddddddddd dammmmmmmitttttttt Boy Meets World. You almost made it.

Big fat zero for plot, .5 for humor (thank you Will Friedle), 1 for character development, .25 for life lesson. 

1.75/4

This episode was kinda crap, but Cory and Topanga's first kiss is a big deal, so it's probably worth watching.

 I learned how to make gifs in a quick way, so we'll definitely see more of those. If anyone's curious, I've been using Format Factory for this stuff. It's the VLC player of video conversions. Free, any format to any format (including gifs), and you can tell it to only extract certain time ranges. So I'm pulling a 5 second gif out of a 20 minute mkv in one step, for free. That's fucking impressive.

Thanks for reading, see you Wednesday.

Clips and images used under Fair Use for the sole purpose of review.

Episode 1x03 "Father Knows Less"

This episode opens with Cory and his father preparing some manly-ass bag-lunches for their afternoon of watching the Navy's Blue Angels "do formations".

That sounds rad, but they didn't invite me. Morgan tries to invite herself, but is unsuccessful, thank goodness. Eric mentions that he gave some girl named Heather a hickey, presumably the same Heather he went out with in the first episode. It's never very well established whether or not Season-One-Eric is good with women. Sometimes he cries over train-wreck dates, other times he thinks he's the wet dream of every woman on Earth.
...Honestly that sounds a lot like me... I need to take five...

Anyway the doorbell rings and we meet a new character! Leonard Spinelli, second in command at the grocery store owned by Mr. Matthews. Lenny is played by Willie Garson, a fantastic actor who deserves a quick tangent. Garson landed a recurring role on Sex and the City in 1998, five years after this episode aired, which lasted until 2004. Then in 2009 he began his current role as Mozzie on the best cop show to ever air on television, White Collar. (If I were to start a second review blog, it would be for White Collar. Damn good show.)

As you can see, Mr. Garson ages backward. This is an age gap of at least 16 years, folks. Fuck it, I'm awarding this episode the "Willie Garson is Awesome" Bonus Badge.

Lenny brought bad news to our heroes, unfortunately, so Cory's dad has to bail on their plans and go clean up some lame ass mess at the grocery store. I smell guilt-induced irresponsibility! 

After the opening credits, it's late at night and Mr. Matthews (who I will call Alan from now on, since we've heard his name at least once) wakes Cory up to come watch the Phillies try to pull off a no-hitter. The two men bond and the audience goes "awww". The next day Mr. Feeny gives an exam, and I like how this scene starts so I'm going to try putting a video clip in here.

 

That's right boys and girls, Minkus is still a boss. Cory did not fare quite so well as our boy Minkus, however; he fell asleep after answering only one question. Cory and Feeny exchange some quips about Cory's failing grade and we're back at the Matthews house. Honestly this whole plot is pretty cookie-cutter, it's been in every show since the invention of the laugh track, and Boy Meets World hasn't done anything special with it. Aside from a few laughs and Minkus's badassery, I'm pretty bored so far. 

Cory spills the beans to his mom, whose name is Amy. Now Alan is in the doghouse and tries to sort things out with Mr. Feeny. 

Mr. Feeny, the crotchety curmudgeon (or "butt", according to Cory) that he is, won't allow Cory to retake the test. Alan quite harshly points out that Feeny has never had children and therefore cannot fully understand this situation, prompting Feeny to end the conversation. Here's the clip:

Alan was genuinely trying to hurt Mr. Feeny when he said that. It was a low blow, but also very  human. Television father figures are generally shining role models and beacons of wisdom, but we see here that Alan is flawed. Not only does this scene add depth to his character, it also provides room for growth. Mr. Feeny also gains depth here as this is the first time we're told that he's never had children, and he's visibly affected by Alan's criticism. This exchange is the highlight of this episode so far, and it deserves a Character Development Badge. 

Alan talks the situation over with his wife and realizes that he should be angry at himself rather than at Feeny. Shocking. Alan attempts to explain this revelation to Cory, but Cory doesn't really understand since he's 11. Yawn, yawn, snore, boring. 

It's night time now, and Cory incidentally meets up with Mr. Feeny in their shared backyard. Feeny starts to tell the story of a similar situation he went through as a kid, underscoring this episode's worn out theme about the value of educa-

HOLD THE GOD DAMN PHONE.

Wait wait wait wait wait wait. Excuse me? What? What did you just say, George Feeny? Just watch this.

"I have no idea what you learned that day."

"Neither do I."

Did you HEAR that shit?! That is genuine, meaningful wisdom! And the part about education being the result of absorption over time... Are you guys freaking out as hard as I am? I did NOT see this coming. The writers could have very easily decided to pander to the "school is God" mentality pervasive in television shows of the 90's, but they didn't. They chose to give us a message that actually matters. 

LIFE. LESSON. BADGE.

The episode is pretty much over now. Feeny and Alan make up in a pretty touching way, and Cory goes to bed. Eric isn't there, which is weird, maybe he's off sucking Heather's neck again.

0 points for plot, maybe like 0.25 points for humor, 1 point for character development, and infinitely many points for the life lesson. That's a Character Development Badge, a "Willie Garson is Awesome" Bonus Badge, and a Life Lesson Badge with some exciting red lines around it because holy shit.

I wasn't feeling good about this review at first, but wow. What a finish. 

Enjoy your weekend, Happy Halloween, see you Monday, and thanks for reading.

All clips used under Fair Use for the sole purpose of review.  

Episode 1x02 "On The Fence"

*Preface* In an effort to transition from "general synopsis" to "review", I'm introducing an evaluation system out of four points. There is one point available for plot, humor, character development, and a sparkling Boy Meets World life lesson. If an episode earns a full point in a category, it will also receive a shiny Badge, all of which are pictured below. I made them in like 3 minutes in Paint, give me a break. There are also possibilities for bonus Badges, which will be defined as their circumstances arise. This is a test run and thus subject to great change and tweaking. *End Preface*

This episode opens in the cafeteria again and Bad-Hair from the Pilot has been replaced by Black-Hair. There's much discussion to be had about super heroes as parents (Cory wants Superman) and water guns. Good-Hair points out that the show's nerd character, Stuart Minkus (it's fascinating that Minkus is named before ever appearing on camera, and yet Good-Hair still has not been called by name), is seated nearby, and is subjected to water gun based bullying from Good-Hair.

 The viewer's first reaction is to roll their eyes, "Ugh, typical nerds-being-bullied cheap laughs". But this is somewhere that Boy Meets World truly distinguishes itself from other series. Minkus responds by busting out his own water gun, a far more imposing model than Good-Hair's, forcing Good-Hair to back off. You see, Minkus is a strong nerd. He is often the butt of jokes and insults, but he retaliates! His strengths are emphasized just as often as his weaknesses. I'll be pointing these moments out as we go through the series because he's really the best nerd character I've ever seen on television. If even ONE of the male characters on Big Bang Theory were written as well as Minkus, I wouldn't hate it quite so much. So right away Minkus earns this episode the Character Development Badge. In addition, the whole scene is pretty funny, so we're well on our way to the Humor Badge as well.

We're at the Matthews House next, and Cory attempts to convince his parents to buy him an expensive water gun. The writers definitely went for quantity over quality on jokes for about seven straight minutes here. I laughed a few times, but the laugh track played much more frequently, which is annoying. Even more annoying is Cory's dumb sister Morgan whose every sentence is received with laughter. Fortunately, Cory is as annoyed by her as I am and parries her unfunnyness with semi-funny harshness.

We're at about the 10 minute mark now, and the only real plot so far is that Cory wants a water gun for the "Water War", because no pre-teen wants to miss out on an alliterated event. That's just a fact.  Anyway, Cory goes to Mr. Feeny, who you'll recall is his neighbor, and offers to work for money. Mr. Feeny is funny, cancelling out Morgan from earlier. Cory paints Feeny's window shutters and does a great job of it, entirely contrary to what you would expect from a sitcom. I think that earns a bonus badge of "Not Being a Predictable, Shitty Sitcom". Cory isn't quite in the clear though, somehow he got paint on his fence which quite frankly I don't understand. How did he mess up the entire fence without noticing? Any hope of the plot badge is now dead.

Cory must now paint his fence before he can go to the Water War. He recruits his friends with some of the money he got from Feeny. Minkus makes a brilliant Tom Sawyer reference, which makes everyone else look like an idiot for not understanding it. Rock on, Minkus. The scene is written so that Minkus looks smart for having read Tom Sawyer, and everyone else looks like an idiot! He's cool for being smart! It's just so unheard of in television. Seriously guys, I love Minkus. 

Cory's friends abandon him, he has a funny exchange with Feeny, and then Mr. Matthews shows up and relieves Cory from painting. "Your responsibility is to stay eleven years old, for as long as you can." Cory runs off to the Water War. When he gets home, he discovers that his dad is painting the rest of the fence for him, even after tirelessly working all day. Cory's older brother Eric comments that he doesn't know how their father can work so hard every day. Cory grins, saying "It's like he's Superman. Superman's my dad," and some touching clarinet music plays. It ties a nice sentiment into the super hero conversation from the opening segment, and the part about Cory appreciating his youth is always valid, so I'm gonna go ahead and throw down a Life Lesson Badge for this episode. The episode ends with some funny water gun antics at the dinner table, but also a lot of unfunnyness from Morgan, so no Humor Badge today.

So we still don't know Good-Hair's name, we probably won't see Black-Hair again, Minkus is awesome, and Pavlov would be interested in how the "studio audience" reacts to Morgan's lines.

0 points for plot, 0.5 points for humor, 1 point for character development, and 1 point for the life lesson. That's 2.5/4 with the Character Development and Life Lesson Badges, as well as the Not Being a Predictable, Shitty Sitcom Bonus Badge. 

Thanks for reading, see you Friday. #MinkusLyfe

Episode 1x01 "Pilot"

*Edit* This review is not representative of the others. The quality improves drastically.

The series opens with some sort of pre-school gathering in the cafeteria and almost immediately we're treated to witty banter between the hero Cory Matthews and his teacher Mr. Feeny, which establishes their archetypes of not-so-serious student and oh-so-serious teacher. Cory sits with his two yet unnamed pals, and as such I will refer to them as Good-Hair and Bad-Hair.

Good-Hair spies Feeny in the company of a blonde female faculty member. They do a slightly-too-long bit wherein they describe how late they stayed up the night before by referencing progressively later segments of a talk-show. Bad-Hair emerges victorious and the title sequence rolls.

Now we're in Feeny's classroom where we see Bad-Hair and a female student acting out the suicide scene from Romeo and Juliet with a plastic dagger, which seems a little heavy for 11 year old students. Cory is listening to the Phillies game via an extremely high tech pocket radio and earbud, and giving the play-by-play to Good-Hair. Shockingly, Cory is caught by Mr. Feeny while a student behind him looks offstage to make eye contact with his mom. "This is my big break", he tells himself.

Cory gets detention. Back at home, we're introduced to the ladies-man incarnation of Cory's older brother Eric. Unfortunately, Eric has decided to take a girl to the next Phillies game instead of Cory. Cory complains to his parents about it, they side with Eric, Cory is sad, and his little sister Morgan "The Punchline Dispenser" Matthews dispenses a punchline. 

We jump ahead to lunch at school the next day where Cory and the two Hairs make some jokes. Cory tries to persuade Feeny to let him out of detention, but Feeny tells him to back that shit up outta here because he wants to have lunch with his booty call (the blonde teacher he ate with previously). 

Later that night, Cory has moved into his treehouse, Morgan "The Punchline Dispenser" Matthews dispenses a punchline, and Cory is privy to Mr. Feeny (who lives next door) eating a dinner for two by himself after receiving a phone call; sad music plays. 

Now Cory is in detention. Cory and Feeny banter. The destructive effects of love presented so far- namely Romeo and Juliet, Eric ditching Cory, and Feeny eating alone- come together as Feeny explains that love isn't actually the pile of bull shit that Cory thinks it is. This lesson might actually be the primary cause of Cory's warped and unhealthy view of love as he gets older. Thanks, Feeny. Side note, that typing diagram on the wall is super badass.

Back at home, Cory reconciles with his parents, Morgan "The Punchline Dispenser" Matthews dispenses a punchline, and then Cory plays video games in a pink three-quarters shirt and boxers. I cannot explain this to you. I do not know why Ben Savage agreed to wear this, I do not know why ABC agreed to air this on television, but it happened and we have to accept it.

Eric laments his awkwardness on the date, Cory explains what he's learned about love, and they're bros again. Cory and Morgan "The Punchline Dispenser" Matthews have imaginary tea together, punchlines are dispensed, and Cory tells his mom that he'll put his little sister to bed. Mrs. Matthews asks her son why he would volunteer to do something that no 11 year old boy has ever done in the history of Western civilization, and he responds with the entire basis of this series. "Because I don't understand anything about my entire life." 

The during-the-credits outro bit starts with Cory and the two Hairs (that needs to be a band name) eavesdropping on Mr. Feeny asking the same blonde teacher from before on a date, to which she readily agrees. Wouldn't you? It turns out that it was Feeny's sister who cancelled dinner with him the other night. The pilot ends with an exchange which presents another important theme of this show. 

"Confused, Mr. Matthews?"

"Yes I am, sir."

"....As it should be."